Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Benefits Of Being A Victim
What if the mind’s “savings plan” is quietly bankrupting your future? We unpack the false economy of victimhood...the way the primal brain seeks comfort, avoids pain, and conserves energy by recycling old stories and calling them wins. From “I can’t lose weight” to “I’ll never get promoted” to “I was betrayed; I can’t move on,” we trace how these narratives deliver quick relief while costing health, intimacy, confidence, and possibility. With warmth and clarity, we de-shame the pull of familiarity, reveal the counterfeit rewards that feel good now, and show how to choose stories that actually pay dividends over time.
Drawing on coaching experience with women navigating identity, faith, and ambition, we walk through examples across health, love, work, money, and forgiveness. We examine how labels and diagnoses can be both lifelines and traps, and we reframe them as tools for tailored progress rather than ceilings. You’ll hear simple, compassionate practices to loosen stuck patterns: naming the benefits your brain is chasing, counting hidden costs, and designing low-friction actions that your nervous system can accept.
Expect practical reflection prompts, language you can use with yourself today, and a gentle plan to re-allocate mental energy from short-term comfort to long-term freedom.
Welcome to Islamic Life Code School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, Dr. Damal After.
SPEAKER_01:Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you. Today I'm going to be talking about the benefits of being a victim. Now superficially it might sound like it's not even possible. How can anyone benefit from being a victim? But what I'm going to tell you is that the primal brain runs on a false economy. It tells you there are certain benefits of being a victim and we're going to explore what those are today. In my coaching, I see women put so much heart and effort into noticing their limiting patterns and working on them. That effort is super liberating. It's powerful to watch these women invest in themselves at that level with honesty and courage. But sometimes, despite of their best efforts, their brain gets stuck in the same story, the story of victimhood. And it happens very unintentionally and under the radar. The brain continues to say I'm a victim of betrayal, I'm a victim of poor parenting, I'm a victim of the economy, victim of my weight, victim of my skin color. What's interesting is that even when women recognize that story, even when they know it's the very reason that they've come to coaching, the lower brain keeps them in the same story creating the same reasons over and over again, despite of this rational knowledge. And this lower brain is extremely creative in an effort to keep benefiting from that victimhood story, these quote unquote benefits that we're still going to explore, this lower brain continues to keep decorating the same story and presents it over and over again like it's new. It adds new details, spins the story over and over again with sometimes slightly new details or sometimes completely new. The three currencies that the primal brain works with is seek comfort, avoid pain, conserve energy. So in order to remain in that beneficial currency, it's going to spin the same story of victimhood, although for the most part women are able to heal around it. But if the story keeps going back, don't be surprised. And this is the paradox of growth. You can be totally committed to change and sometimes still find yourself pulled back into the comfort of this old narrative. It's not because you're weak, it's not because you're failing or the method isn't working. It's just because the primal brain is designed to conserve energy, and telling a new story feels like work. So this is one of the most fascinating findings in my work. Why does the brain tell the same story in so many different ways, recycle the same narrative just dressed up in new words? Because in the economy of the primal mind, it's trying to build survival, conserve energy, and provide immediate relief. The primal mind says there are benefits to keeping this victim story alive, and those benefits include avoiding effort, again saving energy, protecting yourself from disappointment of growth or failure, and clinging to familiarity. It's as if the subconscious continues to say stay here, it's safer, it costs less. In those efforts it asks the rational brain to continue to tell the same story, and the rational brain complies. So in all clarity, I am not victim blaming. This is not about weakness or failure. It's not happening in your highest conscious mind. The conscious mind that signed up for coaching, the one that joined my program, the one that's showing up and doing the work. The stories aren't being recycled there. They are being recycled in the primal subconscious mind. The one that doesn't really care about growth, it only cares about keeping you safe at the most basic, energy efficient way possible. And this dichotomy and paradox feels extremely strange, especially once it comes to your awareness. Part of you is fully committed to change, and another part is paid to run on old programming. So as you can see, there are benefits to recycling the limiting beliefs. They're not benefits to you in the obvious sense, like you're not putting$100 into an investment account and getting back$120. It's not the clear profit, not an obvious return on investment payoff, not an outcome you're trying to proudly show off, but that primal brain doesn't operate on logic and long-term gains. It runs on shortcuts, immediate relief, energy conservation. So even when a story keeps you stuck, takes away from your relationship success, from your financial independence, from your long-term goals and visions, your primal brain sneaks that stuckness into the benefit folder. It says, aha, this feels good right now, it saves me effort, it lets me avoid failure, and then it stamps that folder with a reward signal, and that's why it becomes so sticky and so hard to work with. These quote unquote benefits of victimhood aren't real benefits, they aren't real progress that you can measure yourself against. They're like counterfeit money. They trick the brain into believing it has gained something when it has only escaped an effort or pain of movement. Because just like avoiding the gym saves sweat and hard work, blaming the economy saves you from facing risk. Believing your child is impossible saves you from experimenting with new parenting strategies. None of these make your life richer, but the brain counts them as wins because they feel safer, easier, and more predictable. That's the primal brain at work. It's the false economy of the lower mind. It saves pennies of energy while losing millions of dollars in possibility. Let's go over some of the possible victim stories that you might be telling and some of the benefits that your primal mind is gaining that you currently don't see as a benefit. Um story of I can't lose weight. Benefit of I don't have to give up eating my favorite foods. I get to avoid the discomfort of changing any routine. I don't risk failing because that way I've never tried. Or the victim story of there are no good men left to marry, or currently men are not emotionally intelligent. Continuing to tell that story has the benefit of you not facing rejection, you not having to take risks of being vulnerable with an open heart. The benefit of saving energy of not putting yourself out there. Or the victim story of economy is bad, it's hard to open a business. The benefit is I don't have to take risks or learn new skills. I can totally avoid the pressure of entrepreneurship or creating a side hustle. I get to stay in familiarity, avoid frustration altogether. Victim story of I was betrayed, I can't move on. Benefit of you keep the spotlight on your pain. You keep rehearsing something that's familiar, even though it's painful. You keep validating yourself with new stories over and over again. And also a benefit is that you don't have to risk trusting anyone ever again. You save a lot of energy that way. Or the victim story of I'm too old to change, too old to learn, too old to try anything new. This way the benefit is that you don't have to step into any uncertainty. You get to use your age as a shield against failure. You get to conserve a lot of energy by staying exactly where you are. And again, the most ironic thing here is that your logical, higher, soulful intelligence mind knows that these are not real benefits, but they are real benefits to your primal mind. All of the identities that you're creating, like I can't eat healthy or I can't work out, or I'll never get promoted at work, they all save you work because chocolate tastes so good. Of course you can't eat healthy. The sweetness, the texture, it lights up your brain like fireworks. The dopamine reward is phenomenal and feels amazing in your body. So your rational mind might file that under guilt and a bad choice, but the primal mind files it under happiness. It says more of this please, and the story of I can't eat healthy gets reinforced. If you don't work out, you don't have to spend any energy finding time in your schedule. You don't have to psych yourself up for the discomfort of lifting weights, you don't have to sweat, you don't have to budget for a gym membership, you don't have to create space in your gym for dumbbells, resistant bands, or yoga mads. By saying the story of I can't work out, you get to avoid all of the mental and physical effort, and to the primal brain that is a win. If I haven't been abundantly clear, I do want to say that I'm not calling these benefits out with sarcasm. These are actual benefits that your brain is enjoying. These are real rewards you're gaining in the moment by not committing to what you say your bigger goal is. The immediate benefits are always louder, easier, and much more accessible. The long-term benefits of health, energy, confidence, strong relationships require much more effort, much more patience, much more willingness to tolerate discomfort. That's why the brain always chooses the short-term benefit of victimhood over the long-term benefit of growth. So to you, what's the benefit of saying I'll never get promoted at work? The benefit is that it doesn't have to deal with the risk of applying. It doesn't have to ask for a raise and feel discomfort. It doesn't have to try and put any extra effort. By holding on to the story that I'll never get promoted because of my hijab, because of my qualifications, because I'm a woman, the brain gets to relax into mediocracy. It saves energy. So to you, what's the benefit of saying I'm not good with money? The benefit is that you don't have to learn budgeting, investing. You don't have to change any spending habits. To the primal brain, any change requires energy, and it would much rather continue to sell you the victim story of I'm not good with money than change any habits. So it keeps telling the same story. So you never have to face the reality of you're already in your twenties, thirties, forties, and you're not as financially literate as you would have liked to be. Even though when there is no such thing as too late for financial literacy, you can literally start today. To you, what's the benefit of saying I can never forgive them? The benefit is the brain gets to stay in the righteous anger that's familiar. It does not have to attempt compassion, which takes energy, especially if it's new in this situation. It doesn't have to try understanding. By holding on to a grudge, which obviously is very metabolically expensive, the brain gets to feel powerful in its own pain. It gets to keep a sense of high moral ground without risking any healing, because healing comes with a change. To you, what's the benefit of saying I'm just unlucky in life? The benefit is that the brain does not have to take accountability for choices it might have made unconsciously. It does not have to look at patterns or rethink strategies. It does not have to explore uncomfortable truths about where effort might be lacking. Again, this is not a blame, it is responsibility, which are two completely different energies. By telling this victim story, it gets to outsource responsibility to fate, to other, to luck, to universe, and that saves the brain the pain of honest self reflection. In my opinion, it's completely okay to benefit from your victimhood. It's okay to benefit from blaming the world. I mean it is a currency that your brain is enjoying. I will totally not judge you for it, and you don't need to judge yourself for it. Because also consider when you remove shame and blame from this process, you open the door to curiosity, and curiosity is what allows you to gently start changing your story that you've been carrying for years. So I invite you to give yourself permission to uncover the benefits of your victimhood. Let them come to surface without labeling them as wrong or weak, or as a moral inadequacy on your part. Because the story you think is so factual about your past, about your circumstances, about who you are, may not be as factual as you believe. It might just be a version of the truth that your primal brain has been repeating to conserve energy, to protect you, to keep you safe. When you see this design for what it is, without guilt and shame and judgment, you create the possibility of telling yourself a different story. And that's where the shift begins. We are not fighting it, we're just noticing it, honoring the design that keeps us here, and then choosing something new if you want to. So find out. What's the benefit of you telling yourself I have a diagnosis, I have a frozen shoulder, I have ADD, I'm neurodivergent, I might be on the spectrum, I have all of these certain characteristics that limit me. The benefit here is that it can give your brain a reason to stop searching for other explanation. It will feel like a relief when you have a label, because then you don't have to keep experimenting, keep digging. There is a win in getting a diagnosis, in getting resources, in getting help, but the victimhood to this diagnosis feels like closure. That's what keeps you stuck. All of this also acts as protection. Because if you say this is who I am because of my diagnosis, then you don't have to risk failing when you try something new. You don't have to change the discomfort of change. And how you approach your change might look different compared to somebody who does not have a diagnosis. But the diagnosis does not mean that you can't succeed. It just means that your path to success might look different. If you continue to tell this victim story, the benefit is that you get to outsource responsibility to the label and you get to let it carry the weight for you. I am not asking you to deny your reality, I am not asking you to dismiss your medical or psychological truths, I am just asking you to notice the subtle ways that the brain may use these truths to stop you from exploring any new possibility. And these ideas spawn internally. When you stay in curiosity, your therapists, your medical doctors, your friends, families, your best advisors and mentors might be telling you to look outside, but you're not going to be able to hear these possibilities unless you're curious. Here I've only shared some of the answers that might be the benefits of your brain, but you get to come up with and figure out what your benefit is in your victim story. And yours may be completely different. That's why the invitation here is for you to explore your own reasons, trust your own authority and find out what your opinion on your matters are. And please, by no means am I asking you to make this into a painful exercise. Do not let it become a shameful inquiry, which is why I've given you so much de shaming and affirming language around it. This is only going to work if you let it with curiosity, gently noticing how your primal mind paints these stories as benefits. Asking yourself, what kind of currency am I chasing by this story? Do I want to invest in a different story? Like victim story of my marriage is failing. The benefit is I don't risk the vulnerability of trying. I don't have to stretch my brain to learn new ways of connecting. Victim story of immigration was hard. I don't have to push myself to adapt fully to this new environment. I get to explain my struggles to the lens of hardship. Victim story of there's so much Islamophobia. Benefit is that I don't have to put myself out there in uncertain spaces. These are all benefits that your primal mind is counting on, and there is no shame in that. This is how the human mind is designed. Allow it, be curious about it, and then give yourself grace to move past it. With that I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah, guide me to see the stories I hold on to. Help me recognize the false benefits my mind clings to, and replace them with the highest truths, replace them with strength and the peace that you have allowed in my life. Ya Allah, remove from my heart the weight of blame and shame, and fill me with the courage to choose the healthier, different story. Amin Ya Rabul Almin. Please keep me in your draas. I will talk to you guys next time.