Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Defiance Part I
Defiance carries complex meanings in our tradition. While Islam emphasizes submission to Allah and respect for authority, it simultaneously commands us to stand firm for justice, even against ourselves or loved ones. This tension creates a profound question: when does saying "no" honor your faith rather than contradict it?
Through exploring both Quranic guidance and prophetic teachings, we discover that healthy defiance, refusing what harms your spiritual, physical, or mental wellbeing...isn't just permitted but sometimes required.
The challenge lies in discernment—distinguishing between ego-driven rebellion and principled resistance. When feeling pressured to conform, ask yourself: Does this please Allah? Does this protect my heart and body? Your answers illuminate the path forward.
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Wisdom Wednesdays is your chance to apply what you learn in this podcast. It is my weekly coaching program that will create real time change based on everything you learn here.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to be exploring the topic of defiance, a very, very commonly used word when it relates to toddler tantrums or social movements. Defiance, according to dictionaries, is defined by open resistance or bold disobedience. This is what carries the image of rebellion, opposition and non-compliance. But right now, in modern culture, we celebrate resistance as a noble courage, especially when it's practiced that way, but expectedly, we frown on it when it's open disobedience. How can the same action become suddenly negative when you don't like the cause? Think about it. When a child refuses to go to bed, we call it defiance, but when a nation refuses unjust laws, we call it freedom, movement and we celebrate it. For you guys, as Muslim women, the word can be loaded, because our faith emphasizes obedience to God, respect for parents, service to community and living in harmony. But that does not mean that all forms of resistance is bad. In harmony, but that does not mean that all forms of resistance is bad. There's a world of difference between a reckless act and principled stand.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be talking about defiance in two podcasts, and today we'll explore how to harness this energy of defiance in a way that aligns with Islamic teachings, and it enriches your life, helps you accomplish your goals, get you treated respectfully and it keeps you grounded. So Islam has very prominent set of rules, but it is also a complete way of life. The commandments of Allah SWT are designed to bring happiness to individuals and societies in general, and the strength of a Muslim is determined by faith in Allah SWT and obedience to him, and this is the obedience that embodies peace, security and submission. All of that is important in Islam. This is why you, as a believer, are encouraged to follow guidance, even when, and especially when, it doesn't align with your immediate desires. Every rule in Islam has wisdom behind it, even if we don't see it right away. So this is not where defiance fits in. There's no room for defiance when it comes to submission in Islam. So I don't want you guys to think that I'm being contradictory. You follow the path of peace and you can still embrace a concept associated with rebellion and, of course, as always, the key is understanding the context and your intention behind it Defiance against God or harmful behavior towards others is destructive.
Speaker 1:But defiance of injustice, oppression or harm is a part of a moral code of Islam and, of course, it's possible to be both devout and discerning. You obey Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, yet you have minds and hearts to recognize when something violates your right and your well-being, how to stand up against it. So let's imagine you volunteer at a community event where everyone naturally assumes that you'll be doing the bulk of cooking because that's what a good woman's supposed to do. But if you don't want to do that, refusing and insisting on sharing different responsibilities can seem defiant to others. So this is where your discernment comes in. Are you being defiant or are you exercising your right to enjoy an activity that you enjoy as a human? It might ruffle feathers, especially if they've already made plans and they're relying on your cooking, but you upholding your preferences, that is your self-respect towards you. That is not necessarily defiant behavior. So this defiance in a healthy sense that I want to explain it and I want you guys to adopt it is not about being a difficult person, somebody who's difficult to get along with.
Speaker 1:Defiance is refusing to comply with what's harmful to you or others in general or otherwise unjust. In the Quran, surah 4, part of ayah 135, it says Stand firm for justice, even if it is against yourself or your parents or close relatives. This reminds you that loyalty to justice comes before pleasing others. In a hadith, prophet peace be upon him said Do not cause harm or return harm. If something threatens your spiritual, physical or mental well-being, islam does not require you to endure it. Other people who are inconvenienced by your defiance might put it that way. They will insist that your cooperation is part of the rules of Islam. When it's not, it's purely cultural, healthy defiance looks like setting boundaries. If your relatives press you to overextend yourself for family events, you can decline what drains you. If workplace demands that you compromise your hijab or modesty, assert your right to dress according to your faith, the way you want, to what you value.
Speaker 1:These acts of refusal might seem rebellious and defiant, but they're not sinful. They're acts of self-respect, especially when they preserve your faith. If you were raised your entire life with the value of monogamy and your nervous system is not ready for polygyny, it is acceptable to say so. It's not defying Islam, it's exercising your right. Right, yes, men have a right to take four wives, but you also have a right to stipulate in your nikah contract that that doesn't happen.
Speaker 1:Your defiance will be uncomfortable for those who benefit from your submission. It could be family members. It could be members, people that are expecting unpaid labor. It could be societal norms that limit your potential. This discomfort does not mean you're wrong. It means that you're challenging status quo. It means that it might be difficult for you, especially if it's new to you, but it does not mean that it's wrong.
Speaker 1:Islam emphasizes justice and prohibits harm. That includes harm against yourself. Standing up for your rights is an act of faith. If you have to do defiance, then that's what it needs to be. Defiance can include all behavior that is unexpected of you, that gives you a positive outcome in your life. Khadija may Allah be pleased with her defied social expectations by proposing to the Prophet and running her own business. All of that was against societal norms. In your own life, defiance might look like declining gossip, insisting on your right to higher education and saying no to unhealthy relationships. It might mean challenging harmful cultural practices that are otherwise mislabeled as Islamic but have no basis in the religion.
Speaker 1:The goal of healthy defiance is not for you to be combative. It's for you to align your life with righteousness and your well-being. So how do you make this defiance meaningful? You do it by aligning it with your faith and your values. Defiance cannot be an ego trip. It should be a tool for justice, mercy and personal evolution. When you're faced with pressure to conform to something that's personally harmful to you, ask yourself does this please Allah? Does this protect my heart and my body? If the answer is no, then it's time for you to stand your ground.
Speaker 1:As a Muslim woman, you carry a heritage of resilience. Your mother's grandmothers lived through complex societies. They embraced their faith and they were able to stand up against injustice. Your defiance is a part of that legacy. Use it to nurture yourself spiritually, safeguard your mental and physical health, elevate yourself and your community and your faith. Healthy defiance is protecting your religious boundaries in all settings. After a successful project, if your work team plans a visit to the bar for happy hour, defiance in this case with confidence is going to help you protect your job and your relationships and your networking connections, and it will also preserve your faith values. If your in-laws ask you to host a large party, that's last minute, you can respectfully decline, propose another date or say you don't have resources to host a party altogether. You do have the responsibility to not cause reciprocal harm. But your defiance does not automatically mean that it's going to be harmful to others, because it's very much about how you carry that defiance out and that practice of saying no in a way that maintains these family ties, especially if that's of value to you. This is what we practice in my coaching program.
Speaker 1:Unhealthy defiance, on the other hand, is a rebellion that undermines others. If you're frustrated by a male colleague always getting more recognition and you start to arrive late to meetings just to teach them a lesson, this is a form of defiance that you're embodying that violates workplace ethics, since it breaks the trustworthiness that your work places on you. Or unhealthy defiance is if you reject your husband's rights in the name of independence. If you dismiss your husband's valid concerns about finances, insisting that you know how to spend your money, your husband's valid concerns about finances, insisting that you know how to spend your money. Islam gives you financial independence in a marriage, but it does not give you permission to disrespect In the name of defiance. You cannot deliberately harm your spouse's interests, especially the household or the family's interests.
Speaker 1:Coaching helps you differentiate between asserting rightful boundaries and when you're acting out of ego. Coaching helps you differentiate between asserting rightful boundaries and when you're acting out of ego. Coaching helps you see how certain actions harm your reputation and contradict the obligations that you otherwise have. I see it a lot of times when, in pursuit of autonomy, women these days celebrate defiance. That is outright unhealthy, labeling all advice as control. If you're doing that and refusing to listen to respectable scholars, then your defiance might need a check.
Speaker 1:Healthy defiance is difficult for Muslim women sometimes because we grow up with the message that a good daughter is an obedient one. From a young age you hear things like listen to your elders, do what you're told. While it is extremely important for us to instill respect for parents and elders in girls and in boys, because it has basis in our faith, this well-intentioned training goes to an extreme. Parents, community elders expect unquestioning compliance, equating that with good character and piety, especially for women. As a Muslim therapist observed on muslimmattersorg, we raise our children to be unconditionally obedient. We tell them you have to listen to your elders and you do what you're told. This becomes problematic because our children are not trained from early on about inappropriate behavior. When children encounter inappropriate behavior from elders. The only thing they know is obligation to obey and be submissive. You can see how this is so dangerous. A child, even as an adult, may never learn where to draw the line. They don't learn to say this is not okay. They never learn to be comfortable with their discomfort and speak up when something's wrong. This obedient daughter, qualification of polite, quiet and agreeable these are all qualities that are admirable, but only in moderation, when this healthy defiance is entirely lost. The same girl who never dared to say I don't like this or this isn't right is going to grow up to be a woman who struggles to assert any kind of boundary. She will also be conditioned to avoid any defiance that is even about voicing a mild disagreement, because to her that's going to feel like a moral transgression. So if you're a girl who's earned their PhD in yes, mom, or whatever you say, auntie, if you've been practicing obedience since kindergarten, this is an invite for you to start practicing healthy defiance.
Speaker 1:Islam does not demand blind obedience to others at the cost of justice or personal well-being. But this is exactly what blind obedience to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, gets translated as. Obedience to parents is always within the bounds of what is good and permissible. The Prophet taught there is no obedience in matters involving disobedience to Allah. Obedience is only in what is good. Agreed upon. Hadith by Imam Bukhari and Imam Muslim. This means that saying no or speaking up is not just allowed, but required when someone in authority asks for something wrong. Besides all of this evidence, cultural norms are powerful. If you grew up learning that a good Muslim girl does not talk back, you might carry that mindset into every area of your life. The cost of this upbringing becomes obvious later, in adulthood, when that suppressed voice begins to manifest in unhealthy ways. If you're at that point, I will invite you to get coaching with me. I will leave the link in the show notes on exactly how to do that With that. I will leave the link in the show notes on exactly how to do that With that.
Speaker 1:I pray to Allah SWT. Ya Allah, grant me the strength to stand for truth. Fill my heart with wisdom to know when to speak and when to stay silent. Make my resistance a shield to protect me and my faith, not a sword to harm others. Make my defiance a means of protecting my faith and dignity. Help me say no to where you have placed boundaries and help me say yes to where you have placed growth for me. Let my defiance be only enrooted in love for you, ya Allah, not ego, not anger. Not fear, ya Adil, make me a woman who upholds justice, ameen. Ya Rabbul Alameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.