Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Part 3: Microaggressions. How to Deal With Them
Recognizing microaggressions is one thing—responding to them is another. In this episode, we break down the art of addressing microaggressions with assertiveness, wisdom, and emotional control. Whether you gently correct someone (call-in) or firmly set a boundary (call-out), the goal isn’t to prove a point—it’s to protect your peace.
The 3-Step Framework for Responding to Microaggressions:
Emotional Regulation – How to ground yourself before responding
Choosing Your Approach – The difference between calling in and calling out
Holding Your Ground – Maintaining dignity, self-respect, and clarity
Every response you give teaches people how to treat you. The way you hold yourself in these moments determines whether you stay in cycles of silent harm or step into self-respect and empowerment.
This isn’t easy work. You’ll have moments of doubt, but your voice matters, and your boundaries are valid. In this episode, we share real-life examples of firm yet compassionate responses and explore the balance between strength and empathy.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Alhamdulillah, this is part three of the four-part series about microaggressions, and we are well into our Ramadan schedules. Insha'allah, you guys are benefiting from this blessed month. This episode, like every other, is about creating a change in your life that benefits you, and every change in your life starts with a change in you. And while that sounds beautiful in theory, it's not always available to you in the moment. And while that sounds beautiful in theory, it's not always available to you in the moment. You might be wiped out, physically and emotionally spent, where your nervous system is in overdrive and you're constantly managing crises, big or small. So the thought of lovingly turning inwards and trying to correct your own microaggressions will feel like asking for too much. To correct your own microaggressions will feel like asking for too much, and that's okay, because my next invitation to you as a part of this podcast is to turn inward, to see where you are responsible for microaggressions towards others and self-correct in the most gentle and self-loving way If this process is not available to you right now. That's completely okay. But this whole process also isn't linear. It's not a checklist that's supposed to be completed in a specific order. If you're in survival mode after a microaggression and you responded with a microaggression, or you were the perpetrator of it by mistake, being in survival mode means that you're not having the capability of turning inwards and gently correcting yourself. That's not the right moment to do that. So give yourself space and time and come back to it later. But do come back to it and find out where you might have been responsible for microaggressions.
Speaker 1:And I placed this topic as a part of this series here because, in my own journey, this is where it naturally fell. I started recognizing microaggressions around me and during learning how to spot them coming at me. The next step was for me to turn inwards, and I noticed that once I began looking at how I was contributing to this dynamic especially looking without shame, without self-blame it opened up a whole new layer of growth and healing for me. And that was my path, but you're welcome to yours. The reason I emphasize turning inwards and looking for where you might be contributing towards microaggressions, towards others, is because through this process, you develop a solid foundation of unconditional self-acceptance and self-love.
Speaker 1:You can't begin to gently address your own microaggressions until you believe deep down in your bones that you're still lovable even when you fall short, and you will fall short because you're a human. The beauty of this work is that it draws you into a more compassionate relationship with yourself, a relationship that reflects Allah's boundless mercy on you. His mercy isn't abstract or distant. It's for you specifically and it's very near to you in every messy, complicated part of your journey, even when you might have been responsible for microaggressions. When you approach this self-correction process with love instead of judgment, everything shifts. It stops being about self-criticism and becomes about self-clarity. And without that self-acceptance, without that gentle, honest love for yourself, you'll continue to disregard microaggressions, both the ones you give to the world and the ones you receive. You'll disregard them as it's not a big deal. That's not what happened. But once you believe you're worthy of living a life free of harm, internally and externally, you'll realize that every microaggression, no matter how small, matters. And in yourself, it's not because you're aiming for perfection, but because you're choosing to honor yourself at a higher standard every day, and this choice will transform everything.
Speaker 1:So in the beginning of this podcast, I wanted to invite you to turn inwards to create the change, because once you become aware of these dynamics, you will have the opportunity to change both yourself and your relationships. You start by noticing your own language and reflecting on whether your words uplift others or harm. If you catch yourself in a microaggression, pause, apologize, rephrase with more intention and love, and if apology to another person is not warranted or you're too dysregulated to provide it, then just internally apologize. All of this is a part of a greater spiritual refinement that Islam calls us to embody. It's not surface-level exercise about being polite and avoiding hurt feelings. It's the purification of the heart, a commitment to pruning away the behaviors that quietly chip away at your connections. It's choosing to honor yourself and the people around you by aligning your words and actions with the values of compassion, mercy, justice that Islam so beautifully teaches.
Speaker 1:And Ramadan is the perfect time to begin this work. While in this month we're abstaining from food and drink, and it's a sacred reset, it's also a time to reflect on how you show up in the world, in your families, with your friends, in your communities. It's an invitation to clear out any harmful patterns you've picked up along the way, consciously or subconsciously. Ramadan reset is about pruning away harmful, obvious sins, but it also means becoming aware of the subtle ways you might be causing harm to others with your words or actions, especially when you don't intend to. Whenever you give yourself permission to reflect on your words with loving kindness, just ask yourself does this comment bring light into my relationship? Does this act reflect the kindness and mercy that I want to embody? Does this build connection or create a distance? This is a deeply spiritual practice, because every word is an opportunity to choose connection, to choose love, to choose sincerity, and when you consistently choose those things, you strengthen your relationships personally and your relationship with Allah SWT, and this draws you into a state of emotional clarity and a spiritual presence where your connections with both people around you and the creator himself feel stronger. It feels lighter and more aligned. Ramadan offers you a rare opportunity to do this work intentionally and with focus. Every moment is an invitation for a chance to reflect, to soften, to replace the sharp edges with gentle grace, and when you commit to this level of refinement, inshallah, you're purifying your heart and your soul in a way that transforms your life, and it happens one conversation at a time, During this four-part series about microaggressions, we've come to a good understanding of what microaggressions are, how to define them, how to recognize them.
Speaker 1:But so microaggressions are how to define them, how to recognize them, but so far we have not covered how to actually deal with them. And in this podcast so far, I wanted to give you a foundation of how to empathically deal with microaggressions, if that's what you choose to do. But I'm going to exactly describe to you what the stepwise process is. I introduced compassionate self-inquiry about microaggressions just so you know that it's available to you and you can turn it outwards to people in your life if the time and the place calls for it. There are two ways I'm going to describe to deal with microaggressions, and I do that for simplicity's sake, because I believe that we live in a world of complex knowledge. Starting with simplicity moves the needle for the most impactful change. So, for simplicity's sake, I will say there are two ways to deal with microaggressions Assertively, in a no-nonsense, strength-based way, approaching with aggressiveness if that's what the situation requires for self-defense, or the other way is empathically, gently, compassionately.
Speaker 1:But, as always, no situation will transpire around you where either one of these is used, in seclusion in purity. There always will be a combination of the two. There will be one more than the other. Be a combination of the two. There will be one more than the other. When calling out microaggressions, the goal will be to combine a firm yet respectful, direct and aggressive, or direct yet not aggressive, and clear approach without being defensive. Assertiveness in this sense is protecting your boundaries and values, but in relationships close to you, you might want to leave space for the other person to reflect and grow and approach the situation with compassion. Whatever combination you choose is your call, and how you get better at this art is what this episode is about Pick and choose the combination, an approach that helps you, that helps maintain your dignity, power without shaming or escalating the situation. So this is a three-step process, a paradigm that's rooted in clarity, emotional intelligence, emotional regulation and language that centers your experience while also challenging harmful behavior. Step one of this approach is going to be awareness and emotional regulation.
Speaker 1:Before you respond, after you've recognized a microaggression, is take a breath, create some mental, physical space or time-bound space to ground yourself. If you are activated, it is very easy to slip into reactivity and in reactivity you will not see a choice of assertive combinations versus compassionate response. In reactivity, you will become aggressive or retreat into silence by default, and neither one will help the situation. Reactivity does not let you choose aggression. If you choose aggression as your response, it's not the same as reacting from it.
Speaker 1:So, as a part of grounding, ask yourself these reflective questions, especially after the situation what was the impact or this comment on me? What was the effect of this action on me? What do I want to achieve with my response? What actually did I achieve with my response? Did I speak from hurt or anger or did I speak from clarity and truth? And these sound like post-incident reflection questions that you have to wait for a microaggression to happen for you to engage in this step. But trust me, you have a lot of experience with microaggressions and a big database to engage in this step. But trust me, you have a lot of experience with microaggressions and a big database already built in your mind so you can tap into any of those incidences and trace back and look at that situation through the lens of these questions.
Speaker 1:So the first step is about awareness and emotional regulation around the microaggression. Step is about awareness and emotional regulation around the microaggression, staying grounded in your response. The second step is to decide if you want to use the call-in or call-out approach and, depending on the situation, like we discussed before, you can choose gentle correction that is, calling in or direct confrontation, and assertiveness, which is calling out. Both are valid and your choice will depend on the context. It will depend on what relationship you're calling the microaggression out in and what your emotional safety demands. The calling in, gentle correction approach is what you use when your relationship is important to you and you believe that the person is open to learning. Calling out or a direct confrontation is when the behavior is repeatedly harmful and it's very important to set a firm boundary in close or acquaintance type of relationships or with complete strangers. I'm going to give you some examples of this step and, inshallah, it will be more clear. I'm going to give you some examples of this step and, inshallah, it will be more clear.
Speaker 1:Some gentle correction approach would be if somebody says you've been home all day, what have you done? You reply back it felt dismissive of my work. I know that might not have been your intention, but it hurt. I want us to acknowledge each other's contributions more intentionally. Or direct, confrontational approach is what you're saying is hurtful. It reduces our sacred relationship to a power play. I expect our conversations to honor our values, not distort them. But here's the ironic thing about what you say you can be saying the same thing and it will feel to you as if you're calling in or calling somebody out, depending on your intention to do so. And that's how they will receive it too. What I mean by that is your actions are bound by your thoughts and your feelings. So, depending on what you're thinking and feeling when you say, these words will lay the groundwork for an aggressive response to a microaggression or a gentle response to it. It's not so much the words you say, because your intention will reflect in the tone and the nonverbal cues.
Speaker 1:So, overall, the breakdown of this step, the paradigm of responding to microaggressions, is simple. It's you state the behavior. Microaggressions is simple. It's you state the behavior, you describe the impact on you, you clarify your expectations and boundaries and you invite a dialogue or reflection. The last part is if you want the communication to be gentle. So what it looks like is when you commented on my weight, stating the behavior I felt, judged and self-conscious, describing the impact on you. I expect our conversations to focus on encouragement and not criticism, your expectation and your boundary, and I'd like us to talk about how we can communicate more supportively in the future. Invitation to dialogue and reflect. The last part is optional, depending on the situation, and if you insert that part or not will depend on if you're choosing assertiveness or empathy, based on what the situation calls for.
Speaker 1:As the most important point to this step, I want you guys to reflect on how you feel before you address the microaggression. The words you choose are not going to be as important as how you're feeling, because how you're feeling is going to reflect of if you come off as aggressive or gentle. So some examples here are going to include, let's say, the microaggression is you're overreacting, it's no big deal. Your response might be when you say I'm overreacting, it feels like my feelings are being dismissed. I need you to listen without judgment when I share something that's important to me. Or if your husband says I have the right to take another wife, your response might be the way you're framing it feels like a threat. Our marriage is built on trust and not power play. I will not accept any conversation that distort the beauty of our deen and switch it for control.
Speaker 1:Or, let's say, a friend passive, aggressively, says must be nice that you're busy, you can't even return a text. Your response could be I notice a passive tone. My schedule's been hectic lately, but I do care about our friendship and let's find time to reconnect. You're stating the behavior, you're describing the impact on you, you're clarifying your expectation and boundary and, as a last, optional step, you're inviting future dialogue and reflection. Depending on if you're using a call-in or call-out approach, a gentle or an aggressive approach, whatever your intention is is exactly how your communication is going to come off.
Speaker 1:Okay, and then step number three self-validation and strength towards emotional recovery. You're going to have to hold your ground with empathy and strength, while responding to microaggressions means a balance of choice between strength and compression, with varying percentages of each. After you have stated your boundary or you've corrected the microaggression, hold space for reflection, microcorrections for the future, if that's what it needs. If the other person responds dismissively or defensively, you will use a broken record repetition technique. I've shared how this comment affected me. I'm asking for it to stop. I understand you might not have met harm, but the impact was harmful. I need this to be acknowledged. The other person's response has no bearing on how you continue to show up. You can lather, rinse and repeat the same steps over and over again until you've accomplished the goal of deflecting that microaggression.
Speaker 1:But the third step mostly includes this post-interaction reflection. Did I express myself with clarity and, if it's important to me, did I use kindness or was there more assertiveness than usual, or was there not enough assertiveness? Did I choose that intentionally or did I fall into anger, hurt and reactivity? Did I remain true to my values? What did I learn about myself in this situation? A very important post-interaction self-reflection includes that after the interaction you remind yourself that speaking up is an act of self-respect. It is not because you're trying to manage how the other person responds. That is not in your control. Whether they accept or reject your feedback, your boundary is valid and the self-validation is an extremely important part of the post-interaction reflection.
Speaker 1:With all of these three steps, this is a skill that you will refine over time. It's going to be an ongoing practice of aligning your words with your values. With all of these three steps, this is a skill that you will refine over time. It's going to be an ongoing practice of aligning your words with your values and in the context of microaggressions, especially in marriages. It's about holding the space for the relationship to a higher standard of love, trust, respect. The goal is not perfection, it's ongoing progress. Learn to enjoy the journey and you will do exactly that. You will enjoy the journey, incredibly, when you're self-correcting with self-love.
Speaker 1:Recognizing microaggressions is one thing. Addressing them is completely different altogether, and in this episode, we focused on the art of responding to microaggressions with a combination of assertiveness or gentleness, but always with wisdom and emotional control. Whether you choose a gentle correcting, calling in, or firmly setting a boundary, calling out approach, the goal is not to prove a point, but to protect your peace. We walked through a three-step framework for dealing with microaggressions effectively, because every response you give teaches people how to treat you. The way you hold yourself in these moments determines exactly whether you stay in the cycles of silent harm or step into a place of self-respect and growth. It is not easy, but it is simple. You'll have moments of doubt, moments where you wonder if your speaking up is worth it, but remember, your voice matters and your boundaries are valid. And as you're strengthening your ability to recognize and address microaggressions, something else happens. You start to see the hidden lessons within them, and the biggest hidden lesson is how you can learn to enjoy this journey most.
Speaker 1:In the next part, we'll take this conversation even deeper. We will learn how everything created by Allah SWT holds a lesson for us, and we will learn how microaggressions are valuable, how they reveal something about the other person or about yourself that could make you stronger, and that, to me, is one of the most impactful episodes. So please tune in next week, inshallah. With that, I pray to Allah SWT. O Allah, you are the source of strength and justice. Help me and all of us speak with clarity and courage. Have us rooted in kindness and truth when we need to. O Allah, when I need to protect myself, give me the words that heal and the strength to hold firm when I'm called to correct someone. Grant me the wisdom and gentleness, ya Allah, let my words reflect your mercy and my actions reflect your justice. Keep my heart soft and unshakable and make my boundaries a protection, not a wall. Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.