Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Part 2: Microaggressions, Categories
Microaggressions might seem small and insignificant in isolation, but they function as seeds of harm that, when left unchecked, will grow into deeper patterns of emotional distress and damaged relationships. This episode builds on our previous discussion by providing a comprehensive framework for identifying distinct categories of microaggressions that might be affecting your life.
The power of recognition cannot be overstated. When you develop awareness of these patterns, you begin to see where you've been allowing harm into your lives and relationships.
This episode offers specific examples within each category, from the invasive questioning so common in Muslim communities .
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Inshallah, this podcast finds you in good spirits through this Ramadan, and today we're continuing on the topic that we picked up on last week and that has to do with microaggressions. Last time we talked about the importance of recognition, awareness. Today we're going to talk about exact, specific examples to help you recognize it better in real time so you can create real change. Mostly, we're going to be talking about the categories of microaggressions and where you usually find them in your life. I'm going to label it for that reason to the best of my ability, so it's easy for you to recognize when it's actually transpiring around you, and then I'm going to give you examples.
Speaker 1:Okay, so the first category could be around emotional dismissal, where your emotions and feelings are downplayed, implying that you are overreacting, too sensitive, dramatic, or simply your feelings don't matter. And in this case, you as a person, if you're the victim of this microaggression, will feel unheard, invalidated and in the future you'll feel hesitant to express any emotions. For example, you might be told you're too sensitive. It was just a joke. Why are you overreacting? It's not a big deal. How come you're tired? You've been home all day. Why don't you want to go out and do something? It's not like you work really hard. You've sat on a computer all day. These are all examples of dismissal of your emotional experience. You feel small and that connection with the relationship starts to feel unsafe. One of the very classic and very common example of microaggression. Now, while I'm giving you a short list of examples, this is by no means all-inclusive, so your responsibility here is to find out, using these examples, where else you've been emotionally dismissed in your professional life, in your spiritual life, in your transactional relationship or in your family's relationships.
Speaker 1:The next one I'm going to talk about is your effort or competence being undermined. This type of microaggression questions your ability as a person, minimizing your work or dismissing your contribution, especially if it's traditionally undervalued role like a caregiving role or a creative work role. Some examples can be. I think you're overcomplicating it. Leave it to someone with more experience. It must be nice. You work part-time and still call it a career. You've been home all day. Why are you so tired? What have you done so how this would land on you is you feel like you need to constantly be defending your worth and your work, and then, over time, this type of microaggression creates exhaustion and self-doubt as a side note, but a very important side note is, when I talk about these microaggressions, the possibility of them landing on your nervous system. This way is entirely your call, and all of these microaggressions might be happening subconsciously around you, to you. But if, at any moment, you choose not to believe another person's opinion about you, you're welcome to do so, and I do have to say that for me personally, that's the method that works best and it is a very effective method. But that does not mean that we don't go on to recognize these microaggressions, which is exactly what we're doing through these podcast series.
Speaker 1:Okay, so the next example could be on your appearance or your choices, like comments on your physical appearance, weight, skin color, clothing choice, and then most of the time, they're disguised as compliments or concerns, but the impact these compliments have is that they feed insecurity and shame and guilt, especially if they're framed as trying to be helpful. So examples include wow, it looks like you've gotten some sun this weekend. Now, if you're a person with a fairer skin, this might not land as a microaggression. For you, this might actually feel like a compliment, and of course that's valid, also based on your experience. But for darker skinned people coming from cultures where there's a bias against that skin color, this is not going to land as a compliment. This will land as a microaggression. Another example could be about your weight, or somebody saying you're strong for a woman, and all of this will make you feel like you're strong for a woman and all of this will make you feel like you're under a magnifying glass where your body is constantly being evaluated and judged.
Speaker 1:The next example is around cultural and religious manipulation, and in this case, religious teachings or beneficial cultural practices are taken out of context just to control, criticize or manipulate people, and some examples could be Islam allows me to take four wives, I'm just reminding you. A real woman wouldn't need help with her kids or examples like it's just culture, it's not Islam that can be used to dismiss your personal practice, and in cases like this, it will feel like your faith is being weaponized against you and it creates fear and emotional confusion. All are a result of microaggressions. The next category is around public undermining or critique, where a form of microaggression happens in front of others and it's disguised as humor or being honest, but it's very subtly humiliating, like your husband saying to your children mom is too soft on you just to undermine your effort. Or somebody says at the dinner table wow, your cooking has improved since last time. Notice how it's disguised as a compliment, but it might not feel like that to you. And an invite while I'm giving you these specific examples, is that I want you to notice how it feels for you and validate that experience. Or some professional example is somebody says in a meeting that let's hear from somebody with more talent, or somebody who's been at the job longer. All of these can be microaggressions if they feel embarrassing and belittling towards you, especially if it catches you off guard and if you don't have a chance to respond.
Speaker 1:The next category is around controlling or dismissive language. Examples like just because I said no, trust me, I know what's best for you. Or this isn't up for discussion. It leaves you feeling disempowered. It reinforces the idea that your voice and your perspective does not matter. It shuts down conversation, creates an imbalance of power in relationships. The next category I want to mention is judgment in a form of concern which I've already kind of alluded to, but I want to expand on this more. These types of microaggressions sound like caring advice, but they carry hidden judgment and they aim to control or change your behavior without directly stating it. These types of microaggressions will feel like somebody's packaging a judgment in a box labeled love and concern.
Speaker 1:The next category has to do with tokenizing or stereotyping, and this is where somebody highlights your identity in a way that makes you feel an outsider or like a novelty, because it reduces your full humanity to a single trait or a stereotype. And how it would often feel is it would leave you feel objectified or seen through one dimension only. Examples like you're so articulate for somebody from your background, you're very articulate for a black woman, or I can't believe you're a Muslim. You're so peaceful and fun-loving. What that might feel like is you're being put on display, stripped of complexity and reduced to a stereotype. The next category is comparison, and that's comparison disguised as a praise. Examples like you're so much better at taking care of your household than your sister. Examples like this creates an otherness from you and the rest of the population you're being compared to, creates division, insecurity, makes you feel like you need to uphold an image that doesn't necessarily reflect who you are. It sounds complimentary on the surface but carries a deeper pain. It reinforces for your subconscious mind that it's normal to judge and create an unhealthy competition, because these types of microaggressions are using compliments at the expense of another.
Speaker 1:The next category is gaslighting, and this is a form of manipulation that makes you doubt your reality. It makes you doubt your feeling, your experience, your emotions. It involves denying or dismissing your truth, leaves you questioning yourself, leaves you in self-doubt. It erodes your confidence, emotional stability and self-trust. Examples like no, I never said that or that never happened. You're remembering it wrong or you're imagining things. You're just being dramatic. This is very disorienting, destabilizing. It leaves you questioning your own perception and your reality. Classic of gaslighting.
Speaker 1:The next one is conditional support or love. This is where someone's offering support and love, approval, but with strings attached. The message is I will respect you if you meet my expectations, and this creates an invisible pressure, a fear of rejection, and it limits an authentic self-expression. The examples might be I'll respect your work once it starts to make more money. I'll be more proud of you once you've taken care of the weight problem. I'll support your career, as long as it doesn't affect your home life. How it lands for you is that it will make you feel like you're never enough. You might be living with a constant sense of anxiety. If you're living under this type of microaggression, you will have a lot of performance anxiety and pressure towards performance. And this type of microaggression is especially harmful to children that are looking for unconditional acceptance because that's how they feel loved and connected. That are looking for unconditional acceptance because that's how they feel loved and connected.
Speaker 1:Next one is withholding acknowledgement or validation, and this type of microaggression is about what isn't said or done, like failing to acknowledge someone's effort, not recognizing contribution or somebody's success, and this can be especially difficult to notice because this is an error or omission, recognizing something that never existed, but some easy ways to recognize it that it might leave you feel unseen, undervalued or unworthy. Examples like everyone in the office congratulated you for a big achievement except for one person, or everyone else's success got acknowledged, but yours. The next category is one of my personal favorites is invasive or personal questioning, and a lot of times it's very common for older aunties in our cultures, especially since they think that it's their form of love and advice giving. This category is all about intrusive questions about personal matters that cross all sorts of boundaries, and again, it's presented to you as curiosity, but it's a form of control and judgment For you. It will create discomfort. It will feel like someone's poking around your personal life, ignoring your right to privacy. And examples like when are you having kids? You've been married two years, you don't have any children yet. Or if you're single, why aren't you married yet? Or how much do you make? Why do you work so little? Why do you work so much? Okay, so especially be mindful of this level of invasive and personal questioning, because it is extremely pervasive in Muslim cultures.
Speaker 1:And so is the next one, which is unsolidated advice, very, very common as well. Again, feels controlling, invalidating is usually followed by invasive and personal questioning, and it always implies that the other person knows what's best for you. It is a microaggression in a way that it diminishes your ability to make your own decisions, but it won't land as a microaggression if you are looking for advice and wisdom. If an advice leaves you feel disempowered and it frustrates you, then it was unsolicited. If you're actually seeking advice, then of course this is not a form of microaggression. Some examples that ring true to mothers is you should really sleep, train your baby this way, or you should focus on being a stay-at-home mom. It's better for the kids. Or if I was you, I would work this many hours because family should come first. It will make you feel like your choices are under scrutiny and, again, if you want to take some advice into consideration, then you're welcome to do that, but don't accept the judgment that comes with it.
Speaker 1:The next category has to do with sarcasm or passive-aggressive behavior. This microaggression communicates hostility indirectly. Examples like oh, you're finally on time for once. Oh, wow, look at who's in the kitchen tonight. Impressive, or must be nice to have time for self-care. The rest of us are so busy. A lot of times this is disguised as humor, but it is microaggression. I think I've said a lot about these verbal categories, but a lot more can be said about non-verbal behavior.
Speaker 1:Around microaggressions. That's like eye rolling or sighing or ignoring someone's presence, implying that your input, your existence isn't valuable. You don't belong here. Other nonverbal behaviors like interrupting or talking over someone or excluding somebody from your body language, or smirking or smiling condescendingly. Other very powerful form of microaggressions that are nonverbal is withholding physical affection as a form of punishment, or selective listening or closed off body language. Other very common nonverbal microaggressions include someone excluding you from their conversations, refusing to acknowledge your effort, someone else looking at their phone while you're speaking, exchanging glances or side looks with someone else while you're speaking to them and this might happen at parties, because it usually does is not making space for somebody to join a group, standing in a closed circle with body language that makes it physically difficult for you to join them, or just closing chairs in around a table A very subtle microaggression, but then again, all microaggressions are subtle, which is why they're called that.
Speaker 1:You will also notice microaggressions against yourself as a woman in general, and again, I cannot include all of it, but I do offer you these categories in hopes that it will help you as a listener. Inshallah, my hope is that you develop a sharper awareness and begin to see patterns in your daily interaction. But I also invite you to create more refined awareness around microaggressions in your life specifically, and I'll offer you these questions Ask yourself which of these categories show up in your life, in your marriage, in your friendships, in your spirituality, in your professional life, and ask yourself am I unintentionally engaging in these behaviors. I do have a future podcast dedicated to this question specifically, but until then, just be aware of how unintentionally you might be involved in these or ask yourself the question where do I experience emotional dismissal? We have two more podcasts left on this topic, so I will continue to offer you more and more solutions, but until then, I want you to recognize these questions and the categories I've offered you in your life.
Speaker 1:If you are allowing these small, subtle forms of harm in your relationships, you're unknowingly creating space for something bigger to grow. You're unknowingly creating space for something bigger to grow, because these microaggressions, like I've already told you, are seeds. When they are left unchecked, they grow into bigger and deeper patterns of emotional harm. And this is not about blaming you for letting happen whatever happened so far. It's about giving you awareness and tools to gently close the door on behavior that does not serve you. So abuse, whether it's subtle or overt, has nowhere to land.
Speaker 1:You have the power to shift this lovingly and assertively, and these shifts start with very small comments. No, that's okay, I don't need your help. No, that's okay, I don't need this advice. If you pause to breathe before responding, an honest conversation about how a comment affected. You will absolutely be life-changing, because these moments become your shield, not in a defensive way, but in a way that honors your worth, and then, over time, a cumulative effect of these small shifts will be that the space around you will be filled with respect. You'll find yourself in relationships that have connection, respect, kindness, where there's no harm being done. By becoming aware of these patterns, you start to see where you've been allowing harm in your life, where you've tolerated small insults, or maybe even where you've engaged in microaggressions yourself without realizing it. This is not about guilt about the past or about your behavior. It's about breaking the cycle, and awareness alone might not be enough.
Speaker 1:The next step that we're going to talk about in part 3 is learning how to call these microaggressions out with clarity and confidence without losing your emotional balance. Inshallah, with that I pray to Allah. Subhanahu wa ta'ala. O Allah, you're the most forgiving, the most loving. Help me and all of us turn inwards with kindness and curiosity. Grant us the courage to see our mistakes and the grace to correct them with love. Ya Allah, let us stand firm in the belief that your mercy is greater than any flaw that I or anyone else has. Teach me and all of us to accept ourselves fully, just as you have created us. Fill our hearts with compassion, allow us to recognize these microaggressions around us that are directed towards us. Help us protect against them, with a firm understanding of our worth and remembering the self-compassion that you've placed in all of us through your mercy alone. Please keep me in your doors. I will talk to you guys next time.