Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Part 1: Microaggressions, Protection Against Silent Disrespect
This is Part 1 of a 4-part series on microaggressions, framed through the lens of spiritual purification in preparation for Ramadan.
Microaggressions may seem subtle and harmless, but they are anything but. These small, everyday slights accumulate into patterns that erode confidence, distort self-worth, and set the stage for bigger harms, whether in relationships, communities, or even within ourselves.
This episode explores:
What microaggressions are and how they differ from overt discrimination.
The spectrum of awareness—from calculated subtle attacks to unintentional biases.
How microaggressions shape the brain and train us to tolerate disrespect.
Why these behaviors are not “just jokes” or “small annoyances” but the early signs of emotional harm.
The impact of microaggressions in marriage, community, and personal relationships.
How to recognize, name, and interrupt microaggressions before they become the foundation for toxic dynamics.
You’ll walk away with a clear understanding of why microaggressions matter, how they impact you long-term, and the power of awareness to break the cycle.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:I've been meaning to talk about this topic for many, many weeks, and it turns out that I just couldn't condense it into a 20-minute podcast. But, alhamdulillah, liberation from my confusion came as an answer to my dua. I asked Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, to guide me through this particular concept, which is extremely powerful and life-changing. So, instead of squeezing this concept into one podcast, I made it into pieces of four and, keeping with the welcoming of Ramadan, this is about spiritual purification. I'm going to go through these four podcasts through the month of Ramadan, inshallah, with the intention of purifying our psyche, our emotional well-being, just like our intention is physical and spiritual purification in this month.
Speaker 1:So the topic I'm talking about has to do with microaggressions. Microaggressions are behaviors verbal, non-verbal that are subtle, sometimes unintentional, sometimes intentional. They can be statements or actions that convey prejudice towards a marginalized group or to assert dominance over somebody in a relationship. Microaggressions are different from overt discrimination because they're typically expressed through everyday interactions and they may look harmless, but they carry a very deep impact. Microaggressions, like I say, verbal, non-verbal, behavioral they all communicate negative messages related to a person's race, gender, religion, socioeconomic status or any other aspect of their identity. For a Muslim woman, it could be prejudice towards working outside of her house, prejudice towards her as a mother, her religious identity, how she dresses and the like. Psychologist David Wing Su at Columbia University is one of the leading experts on this topic. He defines microaggressions as everyday verbal, nonverbal and environmental slights, snubs or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory or negative message to the target person, based solely on their marginalized group membership. And while the research and the studies that I'm quoting might seem like it only applies to the race in general or a bigger population overall, this topic totally applies to you as it relates to your life as an individual in each specific moment, and this podcast series is designed to help you identify where microaggressions are happening against you, how to identify them and how to deal with them.
Speaker 1:Then there's a study by Williams et al, published in 2021, built on this definition of Daryl Wingsu, that emphasizes that microaggressions are not just innocent mistakes, but they are part of a larger pattern of aggression rooted in social dominance, power dynamics, and this research found that individuals who engage in microaggressions are more likely to exhibit aggressive tendencies. This is the connection that we need to make between the subtle acts of prejudice, discrimination, need of control and more overt forms of aggression. So now trying to narrow it down and how to apply it in your life. For example, as a Muslim woman, if somebody says to you you're so articulate, implying that your ability to speak well is unusual for someone of your background, this is a microaggression. Another one is, let's say, a successful woman has a good position and saying things like did you get in through diversity scholarship? Were there minority seats available? Again, if you're not paying attention, they're not going to look overtly malicious. These comments are going to look very harmless, but they carry this hidden message that reinforce more harmful stereotypes.
Speaker 1:All of these types of comments establish dominance in the subconscious mind of the perpetrator. So all of these microaggressions exist on a spectrum of awareness ranging from highly deliberate and calculated to completely unconscious patterns that people engage in without realizing their impact. At one end of the spectrum, there are those who carefully craft these words and they undermine you or diminish you while maintaining complete, plausible deniability. These are highly intentional microaggressions designed to exert control, reinforce power or dismiss you in a way that allows the perpetrator to avoid accountability. Examples of such microaggressions are passive-aggressive comments that are clothed in politeness, Like I'm just joking. Why do you have to be so sensitive about this? They are strategically placed at a criticism meant to destabilize your confidence, but they're. They are meant to hurt, but done in a way that leaves the recipient second-guessing their own experience.
Speaker 1:And then, on the other hand of the spectrum, you have unintentional microaggressions, behaviors and comments that stem from unconscious biases, cultural conditioning and personal blind spots. I've seen that very commonly in marriages for Muslim women. I've seen that very commonly in marriages for Muslim women because husbands who are otherwise good fathers, good providers, overall caring, fall into this trap, very commonly trying to establish their dominance in the hierarchy of this relationship, when marriage is supposed to be a partnership. So these types of microaggressions aren't necessarily rooted in malice, but in a lack of awareness. Again, this is not a get out of jail free card. Lack of awareness is not going to get you out of questioning on the day of judgment, which is why this awareness is very important.
Speaker 1:But for you as a woman, if you are in this type of relationship, it is extremely important for you to start to recognize it so that you can figure out if there's malintent or this is out of ignorance and you can decide what steps to take. Further, some of these examples might be a well-meaning comment about your body, about your parenting style, about what cultural and religious practices you adopt and practice, and again, they might seem harmless to the speaker, but they land very hurtfully and they invalidate you as a human being, as a person, as a wife, as a mother, and it's your responsibility to correctly identify it as a microaggression and label it as such, because if there's any repair to happen in a relationship, it's going to be through this recognition. So what makes this intentional versus unintentional spectrum very complex is that intent doesn't always align with impact. Even when microaggressions are unconscious, they still create harm. The emotional toll is what builds over time. This is why focusing on the impact rather than the intention is extremely important. If you only measure harm by what somebody meant, you can always continue to excuse their behavior and leave yourself as a receiver to carry the burden alone for a very long time, which is why most of the women in these relationships are burnt out and completely spent. But the beauty of the recognition of this spectrum is that it creates space for nuance and growth. And you also come to realize that not every microaggression deserves the same response. Some require firm boundaries and others might invite gentle correction and education, depending on how you want to nurture that relationship. Understanding where the comments or the behavior falls on this spectrum allows you to respond with clarity and intention, rather than reacting out of primal emotions. And this is not about policing every word of every human being. It's about creating a culture of reflection within yourself and within your relationships, and being intentional about how to move forward. It's about creating accountability and healing.
Speaker 1:The main thing to remember is microaggressions are not harmless, even though they are disguised as such. They are early signs of something bigger and that's how usually most abuse starts. And if there are seemingly harmless comments, you've been home all day. What have you done? Well, you're too sensitive. I was just joking. You'd look better in that dress if you lost a little weight. Joking, you'd look better in that dress if you lost a little weight. If they're hurting you, they are seeds, and these seeds, if they go unchecked, grow into patterns, patterns that are subtly teaching your brain what is acceptable and what you should ignore, and eventually, what you learn to tolerate.
Speaker 1:Tolerating microaggressions is not about putting up with small annoyances. It's about training your brain to get comfortable with disrespect. And the more you do it, the more brain allows disrespect as normal and the more your brain will learn to accept subtle harm. And that way, overall, over time, it becomes easier for your brain to overlook bigger harms when they show up, especially in abusive situations. And I always have told you guys that the brain learns what it lives. It is incredibly adaptive. It builds habits based on what it experiences repeatedly.
Speaker 1:And if microaggressions seem small at first, every time you dismiss them the brain takes notes and adapts that habitually. If you say yourself that comment wasn't nice, but it wasn't a big deal, I could just let it go, or maybe I'm too sensitive, I could learn to take a joke, and that's just how they talk. I need to stop overthinking it. Each dismissal teaches your brain that this kind of treatment is acceptable. It builds tolerance, not resilience, tolerance for being dismissed, invalidated and slowly disrespected over time. And that's where I say it's so important to not tolerate microaggressions, because they always grow into accepting more harmful dynamics in relationships. And if you're already there. It's never too late to start breaking this pattern Because before long, the line between what's small and insignificant and what's gone too far gets blurry. And what's gone too far gets blurry, your mental patterns will start to pave the way of larger forms of emotional harm and bigger abuse is going to start sneaking into your life unnoticed. If currently it feels overwhelming for you to confront these microaggressions, it might be because they've been building on for very long, and that's okay. Again, it's never too late to start.
Speaker 1:Part of the series of these four podcasts is we're going to recognize how these microaggressions are dealt and how you're going to delineate where you want to deal with them assertively and where you want to deal with them gently. One thing to remember and it's coming from the most loving place in my heart for you it is that abuse grows in environments where boundaries are eroded. One tiny comment at a time. It thrives where discomfort is normalized. If microaggressions are allowed, they create an internal emotional landscape in you where bigger harm, emotional abuse, manipulation and control feels less shocking and more familiar. But there is power and awareness, and this is the best news, because the moment you become aware of these patterns, you can interrupt them. You have the power to stop the habit of tolerating microaggressions before they become tolerance for abuse. And this is not going to be about self-blame for allowing what's already happening. It's not about victim blaming. It's about stepping into a place of strength and clarity and not allowing any space where any potential abuse can grow and start with small steps.
Speaker 1:Notice when someone's words feel dismissive or cutting. Trust that little voice of yours inside that says that didn't feel right. Speak up when someone crosses the line, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. When you name microaggressions for what they are, you break the cycle. You start to teach your brain a new habit, a new pattern to follow, and this is the pattern of self-respect and protection. Those moments when something feels off, they're not your weakness as a woman, they're your wisdom. That's your inner healing intelligence trying to protect you. You're not too sensitive. You're incredibly wise. Don't dismiss these subtle voices. Honor them. When you stop tolerating microaggressions, you're not just protecting yourself from small harms, but you're creating a higher standard that protects you from bigger harm down the road. And where your real power lies is not fighting every comment or policing every word, but in recognizing what deserves a response from you and what deserves to be removed from your life entirely. Your boundaries are sacred, your peace is sacred, and the first step towards guarding both is seeing the small things for what they really are.
Speaker 1:Repeated exposure to microaggressions has been linked to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, decreased life satisfaction. In the context of relationships, especially in marriages, microaggressions erode intimacy, they take away from trust and mutual respect. While microaggressions in Muslim communities and marriages are unique in their own ways, they are very intertwined with cultural expectations, gender roles, religious interpretations. And while on surface level again, they might seem subtle, they reinforce power imbalances, diminish emotional safety that a marriage is supposed to offer and they create an environment where one partner feels invalidated. And if they're coming from unexamined biases, if they're coming from adapting cultural norms or misunderstanding of religious principles, then they absolutely need boundaries. They are your healthy boundaries. If you're a highly ambitious person but you're in a culture where a woman's role is narrowly defined as managing the home, then even if you're successfully managing home and career at the same time, then microaggressions can be disguised as traditional teachings of a real woman wouldn't need help with kids, like you're supposed to be able to do it all. These might be cultural contexts that you want to look out for, and in religious contexts.
Speaker 1:Microaggressions happen when religious teachings are taken out of context and weaponized, like the concept of gawam men as protectors or the concept of allowance of polygyny. Turns something sacred into a tool of control and manipulation. This distorts the true meaning of deen, but also creates emotional and spiritual harm in one of the most sacred relationships in Islam, and that is the relationship of marriage. What begins as small comments can become a pattern of chronic emotional disconnection, and this is what creates cycles of withdrawal, resentment and growing distance. Cycles of withdrawal, resentment and growing distance. Emotional safety for both partners is extremely important for a healthy marriage, and in face of microaggressions, a healthy marriage is replaced by defensiveness and mistrust.
Speaker 1:When you notice something that hurts, trust that instinct, follow that wisdom. Allow the discomfort to alert you that something isn't right. You don't have to overanalyze it, you don't have to justify why it hurt, just acknowledge, because that's the first step to undoing the conditioning that has made you constantly second-guess yourself. So now, since I've introduced this topic of microaggressions and why they matter, so now since I've introduced this topic of microaggressions and why they matter, the next step is to recognize where exactly they show up in your life, and in part two I will break down the different types of microaggressions so you can spot them clearly, whether they come from others or even, unknowingly, from you. So look out for the next episode, for part two of microaggressions.
Speaker 1:With that, I pray to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. O Allah, you are all-knowing, the most merciful. Grant me the clarity to see what is unseen and wisdom to recognize the words and actions that cause harm, whether the harm is to me or through me. Protect my heart from accepting disrespect, no matter how small. O Allah, fill me with the strength to honor my boundaries you've given me. Make me a person of truth, compassion and integrity in every interaction. Ya Allah, guide my tongue towards the words that heal and protect me from the words that cause harm. Ameen, ya Rabbul Alameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.