Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
How to Communicate Successfully
Most people think communication is about controlling how others respond to your request. That's a mistake.
The real outcome you should be measuring? Your own reaction.
In this episode, we’re redefining what it means to “communicate successfully.” It’s not about whether the other person listens, agrees, or changes their behavior. It’s about how you handle their response
...because that’s the only thing you truly control.
You'll learn:
✔️ Why outcome-based communication is actually superior—when defined correctly
✔️ How shifting your focus to your reaction makes every conversation a win
✔️ The #1 belief blocking Muslim women from asking clearly for what they need
✔️ A two-step process to communicate with clarity, confidence, and persistence
✔️ How to stay composed and effective—even when they push back or resist
This episode will completely change how you approach communication. You’ll leave with a framework that ensures you always walk away from a conversation feeling powerful, heard, and in control, no matter what the other person does.
Listen now and start winning at communication.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:In this episode, I want to talk to you guys about successful communication. Communication is at the heart of all of your daily work-life balance. It's at the heart of your parenting, of your married life, of your professional life. What I want to tell you about communication is a method called outcome-based communication, when we're making a request of somebody and we judge the success of that request based on if the other person's response meets your expectation. This is rooted in your belief that your efforts, your words, your tone, your intention should directly control or dictate the other person's reaction. And when that expected outcome doesn't happen, then you're left with frustration, disappointment, resentment. But this is a flawed way of measuring success of your communication, because it assumes that the other person's actions are within your influence, when in reality, their response is shaped by their thoughts, something that is not in your control. When you're looking for an outcome based communication, the outcome that you're measuring needs to be your response to their response, and I'm going to elaborate on this more. What outcome you measure in your communication is extremely important. It's important because if you're defining your communication by previous standards the one I just described then it'll be very easy to deem your communication unsuccessful. For you to be expecting a specific response, like an agreement or an immediate action, from their part, it sets you up for disappointment, especially when the other person reacts differently. If this is what's making you feel unheard or invalidated, then it's time that you adopt this approach that I'm going to talk about in this podcast.
Speaker 1:First of all, you have to shift your focus away from their role. Yes, the success in communication absolutely lies in clarity, respect and persistence. You have to move more and more towards what your reaction is to their response. When you focus on their reaction, it diminishes the importance of how you show up in the conversation and it breeds resentment, because when their response doesn't align with your hopes, you'll feel like your efforts were wasted, and this is a huge emotional burden distancing you in your relationship. And this whole ideology ignores the process of collaboration, because when you're hyper-focusing solely on the outcome of their response, you miss opportunities to explore alternatives. And this is what we're going to be doing today. We're going to be exploring important alternatives. So in this outcome-based communication, the outcome you need to be focusing on is first identifying with clarity what it is that you want to ask. Be very specific and clear about what you want. Avoid assumptions. Don't give vague hints. So, instead of saying things like you never help out, say things like it would mean a lot to me if you could handle the dishes tonight.
Speaker 1:The thought behind this change of verbiage is you trying to be as clear in your communication as possible on your part, and the next step here is to detach from the immediate outcome, because the immediate outcome is going to be their reaction. Accept their response as influenced by factors that are outside of your control. It doesn't matter if they agree or decline. It doesn't matter if they react completely unexpectedly. Your role is to remain focused on how you're going to engage in that conversation, moving forward. The next step is to continue the conversation until a resolution is reached. If the initial outcome isn't what you hoped for, don't give up. Stay persistent, stay open to alternatives, keep asking different ways, keep being open to curiosity. What can we do instead that works both of us? Keep asking questions and, at the foundation of all of this, focus on your response alone.
Speaker 1:The success of your communication lies in your reaction to their response. Do you respond with curiosity, trying to seek an understanding, or with frustration which shuts down the dialogue? This outcome-based communication is much less about controlling the other person. It's more about creating a connection, collaboration, and you may not always get the outcome you want, especially immediately or even in the long term. But what matters is how you show up, how you stand up for your values, how persistent you are in expressing your values, because that almost guarantees an ongoing fertile ground for future dialogue and mutual respect.
Speaker 1:So let's say you want to ask your spouse to help more around household chores, but they respond by saying I'm too busy. You will have a lot of choices in that moment, most of them taking you back to your previous experiences and shutting conversations down thoughts like he never cares about what I need, and you're allowed to think that I'm not the thought police that will tell you what you should and shouldn't think. But what happens as a response to that is that you've already shut off pathways of communication. Your job in response to their response is figuring out if you expressed your needs clearly, persistently. Are you continuing to respond thoughtfully, having some flexibility in your response, all the while reinforcing the importance of your request. Because while I'm asking you to maintain this approach, I'm not asking you to undermine the relationship or undermine your importance of your values. I'm not asking you to give in as your response to their response. I'm just asking you to stay flexible and be open to how you are responding.
Speaker 1:And if you have never done this before, just ask yourself how do you usually measure the success of your communication? Most of the time, answer is going to be it depends on if the person listened or not, and you are not alone. This is a very common misconception, but the truth here is that measuring communication success by somebody else's reaction is measuring, if you're a successful gardener, by the amount of traffic lights you have in your city. They're completely unrelated. They're two independent variables. One has nothing to do with the other. Their response to your communication stems from their own thoughts and beliefs, entirely out of your control, an otherwise traditional notion of communication. Focus on controlling just this outcome how to make them do something, how to make somebody meet your expectation. The only success of your communication I want you to measure from now on is how you handle their response. Continuing to work on the process of expressing yourself clearly and responding with emotional maturity, regardless of whatever outcome they come with. And if you don't have the outcome that you want, then you continue your communication until that agreement is reached.
Speaker 1:Three basic steps Asking, focusing on your response and continuing the two steps until you reach an agreement. That's it. Mastering these three steps is all you need to master your communication, need to master your communication. So asking clearly includes leaving no room for ambiguity, no passive-aggressive comments, no leaving vague hints. Articulate your thoughts clearly, and for that you have to know your thoughts clearly yourself.
Speaker 1:And this is where Muslim women struggle a lot, because you will already be in a space where you've disregarded the possibility that the other party will ever take you seriously, and you're already working on previous experiences, previous evidences, where they didn't listen to you. So you've disregarded your opinion so much that you've completely lost touch with it. Now you don't even know what's important to you anymore. All you know is frustration. You're so used to your opinion being ignored, and when you do that long enough, you forget what you want. So this first step is a big responsibility and a lot of times it's about gaining the skill of understanding what it is that you actually want and then, when you're clear with it, asking for it with clear words, making it as clear as possible, as foundational and as detailed as possible. Whatever you need, do not assume that the other person knows the details of what you want because you know them very well, or because they're supposed to know it, or because they're in a close relationship with you so they should know it. Assume that they don't know and ask clearly. So that takes care of the first step.
Speaker 1:And the second step here was responding thoughtfully and respectfully to their reaction. So technically, you can respond any way you want to their reaction and if your reaction is shutting down, then that will automatically shut down the conversation and the communication. So there are no surprises there. But since we've determined that the success of your communication will depend on your response, then why not adopt thoughtfulness, respectfulness, curiosity, because your beliefs about their reaction are going to shape your communication moving forward and, by extension, they shape your relationship. If you carry resentment, anger, disdain about their response, this method will absolutely fail, and this is why a majority of our communication fails. And if you do find yourself in those emotions, don't judge yourself for them, just give yourself time and space.
Speaker 1:Your beliefs act as a lens through which you view interactions. If your internal narrative is negative, it will manifest in your tone, in your body language, in your choice of words, and the same way, positive beliefs will create an environment that will open up more communication, understanding and cooperation. Example of a negative belief will be he is lazy, he doesn't care about me, my boss doesn't see how hard I work, my kids are too distracted. When these types of beliefs dominate, your words and actions will reflect frustration, impatience, judgment, and nonverbal cues will be defensive tone, lack of eye contact, closed off posture, and all of that will signal your negativity, even if your words seem to be neutral. And then, of course, naturally the outcome will be that the other person picks up on these signals and they respond defensively, which in turn will just reinforce your belief that they're lazy or uninterested or distracted. As a part of working towards how you're going to react, just be curious if you have other things available to you, like he's learning about me or they're capable of making an effort. Small shifts in your thoughts over time shift your beliefs, which in turn shift your energy, which will make your communication more inviting and encouraging, especially including your nonverbal cues.
Speaker 1:Any kind of respectful communication is always always rooted first of all in self-respect. When you honor your needs. If you don't dismiss your needs because they weren't met the first time around, you're going to grow stronger in your connection with yourself, respecting yourself more and more, and that gives you the capacity to have respect for the other person. If you approach your boss with the carefully prepared case for why you deserve a promotion, you list your achievements, you tell them all of your added responsibilities, show them evidence of your commitment to the company, but in the end they decline your request, then chances are, based on what you've been taught about communication so far, you will think that this was an unsuccessful attempt. If you measure the success of your communication based on this outcome whether you got the promotion or not you will walk away feeling like you failed. But this conclusion ignores one important truth their decision is influenced by factors beyond your control, some things that you might not even know. What is within your control is the clarity and the professionalism of your ongoing requests.
Speaker 1:Successful communication is based on your persistence, your curiosity, your efforts. It's not based on their decision. Or let's say, you're trying to set boundaries with a friend, a friend who frequently cancels plans at the last minute, and you decide to have an honest conversation with her expressing how their behavior affects you, and you request more consistency, more time. If they apologize and they adjust their behavior, you will have a tendency to feel like your communication was success. But what if they dismiss your feelings or if they continue canceling the plans? Does that mean that you failed? No, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you. Their response comes from their priorities, their values. What matters is did you remain composed and true to your values even if they didn't react as you hoped? Success here is measured by your ability to express yourself and maintain your boundaries, regardless of how they choose to respond. And, like I've already mentioned, non-verbal communication is extremely powerful. 80 to 90 percent of communication is non-verbal. The way you'll be expressing yourself from negative beliefs is going to be completely different than when you are, at least, in neutral or positive beliefs.
Speaker 1:And the steps I've told you here are extremely simple, but they're not easy. They require persistence, they require constant adjustment on your part, especially if you're trying to implement it on your own. Communication only comes to a halt if you think so, if you choose to not communicate any further because you've accepted defeat. Continuing communication means staying solution-focused, the solution being you. If your husband declines to pick up groceries, if your child declines to go to bed on time, if your employees refuse to follow company policy, in all of these case scenarios, the only thing that matters is how you respond, because that's going to continue the communication. The difference is persistence and perspective. The difference is also in conveying your needs without guilt or shame, without external blame. So focus on these three steps. Ask clearly, focus on your response to their response and continue to repeat just these two steps until you reach an agreement that's acceptable to both of you.
Speaker 1:With that, I pray to Allah SWT. Ya Allah, grant me the clarity in expressing myself, in expressing my needs. Grant me the wisdom to respond to others with respect. Help me remain persistent and patient. Help me seek understanding and resolution without resentment. O Allah, remove from my heart the urge to control others and replace it with trust in you alone. Ya Allah, allow my words and actions to reflect sincerity, love and truth of my values. Guide me to maintain emotional maturity and connection in my interactions. Ameen, ya Rabbul Aalameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.