Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Filling a Relationship Void
Discover why relationships are not just physical connections but mental constructs shaped by your thoughts. In this episode, we unpack the science of "relationship folders" and how they define the emotional weight of our bonds. You'll learn why the end of a relationship creates a cognitive void, how negative thoughts deepen the pain, and how to transform that void into a fertile ground for personal growth.
With actionable strategies grounded in neurophysiology and Islamic principles, this episode helps you replace resentment with gratitude, rewire painful thought patterns, and turn emotional pain into an opportunity for resilience and healing.
Take control of your relationships—starting with the ones in your mind.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you. Today we're going to be talking about relationships, specifically how to take care of yourself and how to deal with a relationship that ended Filling a relationship void, if you will.
Speaker 1:So relationship at their core exists only as a construct within your mind. This is going to be a bit of an abstract concept, but stick with me. Relationships are your thoughts about other people. Every memory, perception, emotion tied to someone is a reflection of your mental engagement with them. Your relationship with them exists because you think it does. It's nothing solid, it's your thoughts about them. And just because I'm saying it's your thoughts does not mean it's any less important or less meaningful.
Speaker 1:Acknowledging that relationships are mental and energetic constructs does not make them less significant or less sacred. And, depending on the amount of time you spend consciously or subconsciously thinking how meaningful that relationship was, that's how much weight it will carry for you. And, of course, meaningfulness does not always mean a positive meaning. It also means a negative meaning, like holding grudges, being upset or angry at people. That is also a weighted relationship, as explained by this definition, but this is a self-harming meaning that you're giving to that relationship and, with this description, the more meaningful a relationship is to you, the more of your mental energy it occupies. So, just like your relationship with them exists in your mind, their relationship with you only exists in their mind, based on their thoughts about you. This fundamental asymmetry reveals an important truth you have no control over the relationship they perceive, just as they have no control over how you perceive them and their relationship. Each person's experience of the relationship is entirely their own. By redefining these relationships as thoughts that you hold about someone, you gain power. Instead of focusing on their actions or perceptions, you just slow down and examine your own. What do I think about this person? How do these thoughts make me feel? Are they aligned with my values? Are these thoughts contributing to my well-being or taking away from it? Do I want to continue investing my mental and emotional energy in this relationship? When you consciously shape your thoughts, you take control of the relationship. You don't take control of it by changing others. That never works, and this practice is what creates emotional freedom, resilience and a deeper sense of peace around people.
Speaker 1:I want to give you an example Example of a relationship folder that is in your mind. Every interaction you have with another person forms what you call a relationship folder in your mind. These folders are not, of course, tangible, but they represent the mental space and energy you allocate to each relationship. Every thought or memory or perception you have about someone gets filled into this metaphorical folder as a page, contributing to its size and weight. A small folder means brief interactions and some of these small folders are barely noticeable, like they only contain a fleeting thought, or two, one or two pages, if you will Like. If there was a stranger holding the door open for you at the coffee shop in that moment, you might have thought that was kind of them and that's the folder of that person. It's tiny, reflecting the minimal mental and emotional energy invested in that interaction, and by the time you leave the coffee shop that folder might already be closed and forgotten.
Speaker 1:But then there are larger folders for significant relationships, some of them being massive. They represent relationships you invest deeply in over time, even over years your parents, siblings, romantic relationship with your spouse, best friends, long-time colleagues, mentors, spouse, best friends, long-time colleagues, mentors. These folders grow thicker because they accumulate countless thoughts, experiences and body-based memories and, of course, these folders contain both positive and negative interactions. The more time, energy and attention you dedicate to someone, the thicker their folder becomes. The more you're ruminating over someone, the thicker their folder is in your head, and if you just take a quick mental account of how much time you spend thinking about someone, that will give you a rough idea of how big that relationship folder actually is. And, interestingly enough, there are some surprising folders in your mind too, and they can become quite large even if the person in the relationship only exists in your imagination, like you've never met them personally. Like celebrity admirations. When you know a great deal about a public figure or you deeply admire them, you feel connected to their work, even though they might have no idea you exist.
Speaker 1:And then there is fantasized relationship, a thick folder for someone you wish you were closer to. These relationship folders don't need any physical interactions to become thick and meaningful. Take, for example, the profound connection Muslims feel towards the Prophet Muhammad. Peace be upon him. This connection is created through reflections on his life, teachings and character, studying the seerah, being inspired by his way of living, by his message, even though no one alive today has met him. Every story of his compassion, every hadith detailing his wisdom and every moment spent in prayer and recitation of the Quran adds to this folder.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you this because relationships are not defined by shared time or experiences with this person. They're defined by the depth of thoughts and emotions you're investing with them. I'm laying this foundation because this powerful reminder of how thoughts alone have the capacity to create deep, meaningful connections will help you get over a relationship void. So far, we've established that the size of a relationship folder correlates directly with its emotional weight. When a relationship is healthy and fulfilling, the folder is filled with joy of positive emotions and memories. But when there's a restrained relationship, the folder is heavy, carrying unresolved burdens, unfulfilled expectations and just a lot of general heaviness.
Speaker 1:Both thick folders. You're spending a lot of time having thoughts about the individual, but what about when you're going through a connection withdrawal, when you're in relationship deficit? This is when a relationship ends or is fading away, and this will have the potential to create a noticeable void in your mind. This void, this relationship deficit, occurs because the folder you've built for the person no longer has the same function the thoughts, memories, emotions stored in that folder still exist, but the flow is no longer the same. The content stops because now there's a new reference that your mind has this person is no longer serving that role that they did In the relationship void. You're going to be left with a folder that feels heavy, unresolved and even painful, especially in instances of a deceased loved one. So the size of void, the withdrawal you're going to experience, is going to be directly related to the thickness of that folder.
Speaker 1:For someone you barely knew, the deficit is going to be completely negligible. Maybe a passing thought about why you don't see them anymore or you miss them and you might want to get in touch with them. But for someone who played a significant role in your life, especially if you can't get back in touch with them, this deficit is what needs to be managed, because without proper mind management it will get overwhelming. Think about it this way the energy you once dedicated to thinking about them now has nowhere to go. Now you have to recreate those thoughts in a different context altogether, while your brain might be used to thinking about them in a certain way. And this withdrawal is especially challenging when the end of a relationship isn't mutual, if one person decides to disengage while you might still hold on to that connection, and this imbalance will intensify the deficit and the person who remains invested into the relationship will continue to add to their folder with their thoughts of longing, confusion, regret, while the other person's folder has likely been closed or reduced in significance.
Speaker 1:So the heaviness of this relationship void, the mismatch that it creates, the emotional turmoil is your responsibility to manage, and it's natural for the brain to struggle to adjust to this new reality. New neural pathways need to form because the old ones that are associated with the relationship, they've been strengthened by repeated thoughts and emotions. Because of this efficiency, memories will resurface uninvited, and this is why the pain of the withdrawal is intermittent. A lot of times come quickly as a reminder, and there's always a lot of times associated with physical pain, which is a manifestation of emotional pain. So, technically, what I'm trying to say is this is not a sign of obsession or dysfunction. It's just simply the brain doing what it's designed to do, replaying familiar patterns until it has had a chance to learn a new way forward. Understanding this dynamic does not erase the pain, but it does help you make sense of why the withdrawal feels so profound.
Speaker 1:When the relationship ends, depending on how much hope, how many expectations you had attached to that, the neural pathways are going to be just as deep. And these neural pathways that I'm using the metaphorical example of folders for they don't just disappear, they remain active, which leaves your mind habitually searching for the same connection that no longer exists, to be able to deal with it masterfully. This is why I want you guys to start defining the end of a relationship as a relationship void. The brain craves what it knows, and when that familiarity is gone, it resists a change. No need to shame yourself for being stuck in the past. Give your brain as much time as it needs to create new neural pathways.
Speaker 1:Just like breaking any habit, healing from the pain of ending a relationship involves rewiring those neural pathways. At no point does it involve erasing the memory or denying the significance of the relationship. The more deeply you feel the relationship withdrawal, it will tell you that that's how hard it will be to deny its existence. So don't compound the work that you already have to do. Don't shame yourself. Don't deny the relationship's significance. Don't deny the relationship significance. Instead, acknowledge the habit, recognize that your brain is replaying the thoughts about that person because it's familiar, not because you're weak, not because you're failing and then redirect your energy. After you've given that pain, that withdrawal, the full attention, then naturally your body will open up to more activities and goals for the future and practice compassion. This is the most important aspect. Be kind to yourself during this process.
Speaker 1:The pain is not a sign of something being wrong with you. It's a proof that you cared deeply and that's it. It's a sign that you had a thick folder that you're now having to rewrite, and the thicker the folder, the longer it might take, but over time the good news is that the brain adapts. All of the pathways of the brain that once lit up at a single thought about that person will fade as you will form new connections and patterns and the void will feel less overwhelming and the pain will transform into a quieter acknowledgement of the relationship's place in your life. With this intentional effort is how you create new habits that nurture your growth. This is what allows the pain to become a stepping stone towards healing and resilience.
Speaker 1:So now that I've told you guys the neurophysiology in very simple terms, it might be time for you to fill the void with constructive thoughts and instead of attempting to distract yourself with busyness or suppressing difficult emotions. The healthier, more productive approach is to intentionally fill this void with constructive and meaningful thoughts. Maybe you have old goals that you want to revisit. Maybe you have other relationships that you want to strengthen that were otherwise going ignored. Maybe there are more hobbies, skills that you want to pick up. Maybe you want to focus on yourself and your personal development. This intentionality alone will transform this void into a fertile ground for growth, because now you have all of this mental capacity that was otherwise going towards this relationship that no longer exists. You can use this mental capacity towards the goal of your choice.
Speaker 1:But this redirection of growth takes effort. It absolutely requires your active engagement. Effort. It absolutely requires your active engagement. Otherwise, your default pathway will only have you spiraling down. Maybe the best form of elevated thoughts in this case for you are might be to connect with Allah on a deeper level. Thank Allah for the lessons learned. Maybe it's available for you to acknowledge how it has helped you shift as a person.
Speaker 1:Choose curiosity over resentment if nothing else is available to you. How was the end of this relationship for me? How can I make it for my benefit? Curiosity for me always has the benefit of softening the edges of pain. When you hear, time heals all wounds. What you're doing is healing through thought replacement. You've had enough of a chance to fill that folder with different thoughts, replacing the painful ones with the ones that promote your well-being. But you have to remember time alone isn't enough. It's your intentional effort and choice that's going to replace these negative thoughts with constructive ones. This has been why it's important to remember that every relationship exists as a mental construct defined by your thoughts, your mental images that you associate with another person. The amount of thoughts you carry create a relationship folder which grows thicker with time and when and if that relationship ends.
Speaker 1:The void left behind is originating from your cognitive function. But since every thought creates an emotion, it also leaves a void within your body as an emotional emptiness. And to that, as your brain adjusts, to the absence of familiar patterns, that time is for you to give yourself the highest level of self-compassion. You will for sure notice negative thoughts like blame, resentment, and you're welcome to choose thoughts like this. But then also don't be surprised when you don't have a sense of emotional well-being. The ending of the relationship is not causing it. The person who left is not causing it. The person who is no longer there is not causing your emotional discomfort. It's your thoughts about them and in cases like a deceased loved one, it is natural to keep thoughts like I miss them, I wish they were around, and going through the grief at your own pace. There's no rush to change thoughts around just to get out of emotional pain. That in itself will create toxic positivity, which is very, very harmful. But when you are ready to step out of that discomfort, you know how to fill that relationship void, to gain a healthy sense of self back, and from there you can transform this void into a space of growth and resilience.
Speaker 1:Healing is a conscious effort. If left to its own devices, by default, the brain will only usually create pain. Ultimately, turning any loss of a relationship into an opportunity is up to you. With that, I pray to Allah SWT. Grant me the strength to endure pain of a loss of a relationship with patience. Grant us all the wisdom to see our life lessons. O Allah, give us the grace to let these opportunities transform us into a better version of ourselves. Ya Allah, fill my heart with gratitude for what was hope for what lies ahead. Replace my sorrow with peace and guide me towards healing and growth. Ameen, ya Rabbul, ameen, Please keep me in your da'as. I will talk to you guys next time.