Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Managing Conflicting Parenting Styles
What if embracing flexibility in parenting could turn everyday disagreements into powerful lessons for your children, and your yourself?
Tune in to discover how conflicting parenting can be both enlightening and transformative. We explore the art of adapting your parenting approach, showing that it's not about sticking rigidly to roles but about using the right tools to fit your family’s unique dynamic. By embracing the natural conflicts that arise, you can turn these moments into valuable teaching experiences for handling difficult conversations with respect and maturity.
This way, conflicts actually bring parents closer together!
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aksar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to be talking about parenting styles and how to manage conflicting parenting styles among spouses. One thing, right off the bat, that I want to offer you is start to think of parenting styles as flexible tools, not strict roles that you have to play. You don't have to squeeze yourself into a single style, like the authoritarian or gentle parenting style that are popular. You don't have to do that to be a great parent. You can pick and choose what works best for you and your family, and you might be a mix firm when it matters and gentle when you see the need, and the goal of that is to create a style that actually fits your family rather than forcing everyone into another label.
Speaker 1:But parenting comes with a very specific situation where you have to coordinate your efforts with another human being your spouse, and, as evident by any relationship, when you're dealing with another human being, there's conflict, there's differences of opinion, and when you're in a heated moment with your partner about a parenting decision, and when you're in a heated moment with your partner about a parenting decision, all you have to do is remember that the conflict itself isn't the enemy. Actually, difference in parenting approaches is like a lesson for your kids, teaching them how to handle tough conversations with respect and maturity. Because we all intellectually know that conflicts in an adult relationship are inevitable, but yet we avoid them like a plague. Or when conflicts do arise, we become so dysregulated just at the presence of the conflict, like it shouldn't be there. The conflict itself is not the problem. How you deal with it is what makes or breaks it.
Speaker 1:Another advantage of having conflicts is it makes you bring your values to the forefront. If your values as a parent are not talked about and they're not agreed upon and they're not front and center, maybe it's your kids health or cultural pride or spiritual growth, religious identity, whatever it is as parents that you value in your children. If you have not previously agreed upon them, then of course conflicts will be unavoidable. So if you see more and more disagreements coming up, it's your invite to agree on basic values of how you want to raise your children. These values become your compass. They guide you through even the messiest disagreements and the most powerful truth about this method is that it shows your children how to handle conflict with love and respect, which is going to give them a lifelong edge over others in emotional matters. They will be far more emotionally intelligent and advanced than 99% of the population. If this is one thing you can model for them correctly.
Speaker 1:Another thing I want to bring your attention to when it comes to managing conflicting parenting styles is there's such a thing called state-dependent memory. You ever notice how you keep having the same argument over and over again. It's like hitting replay. That's partly because of something called state-dependent memory. As a human being, you have a functional programming where your body has a capacity to hold on to an emotional state, like having a memory of previous emotions when it comes to past arguments. Each time you're in a similar situation, the body remembers the previous state and it pulls you back into the same reactions. It brings back the same tension. Think of it like muscle memory, except this time, instead of helping you play tennis, it's keeping you in the cycle of frustration, and by recognizing this pattern alone, you can start to break it. Instead of reacting from a tense old memory in the moment, you can redirect yourself to create a new, calm way of responding which will lead to completely different outcomes, because state-dependent memory is just when your body and mind remembers a particular emotional and physical state. At the body's level, your body especially has a very exquisite memory of high stress situations, things that are emotionally charged and intense, and this is because we're created with a survival response, with a tendency to remember the danger better. But in this case, it's not just your mind that remembers, it's your whole body.
Speaker 1:Let's say, for example, you're in the kitchen wrapping up the day and a simple conversation about children's bedtime escalates into an argument. If you notice yourself getting tense, your heart rate rising, if you notice your voice shifting, this isn't just happening in the present moment. It's also happening because of your reaction to your body's stored emotional state, all from past conflicts. Your body remembers the frustration from previous arguments and brings it to the surface, sometimes even before you're even fully aware of it, which fuels the argument even more. And our brains have an incredible capacity to respond to emotions in our body. This is what makes us human. We are experiential beings. When you feel angry, frustrated, your body and mind work together to access that memory store tied to the same emotional state, which is why you might find yourself bringing up unrelated issues or old grievances, because your brain is pulling from other stored memories of other events. It's like you're opening up a filing cabinet labeled arguments, where every past frustration is stored, ready to flood back into your mind and you're ready to take a stance on it.
Speaker 1:And the point I'm trying to make is that this memory recall isn't just a mental reaction. It isn't just a logical exercise. It's deeply physical. You'll notice tension in your shoulders, tightness in your chest, even clenched fists or tight jaw. No matter what your physical response is, it's going to be your body's way of saying I know this feeling and I remember this, and this is how I've reacted before. So, in a sense, your body has memorized how to be in conflict and again, without realizing it, you end up repeating the same arguments without ever reaching a solution To break this cycle of state-dependent memory. You just recognize that you're stuck in that pattern because this cycle isn't a fixed life sentence. Just like you create a cycle through repeated brain and body or memory patterns, you can break them with redirection.
Speaker 1:The next time you find yourself in a familiar conflict, just take a moment to check in with your body. Where are you holding tension? Is it your shoulders? Do you feel your heart racing? All you're doing is taking a pause to be responsive to your physical cues rather than being reactive to them. By noticing these physical symptoms, you're starting to break the automatic connection between the state of your body and the way your mind responds to that state. The state your body goes in might not be in your control in the beginning, but how you respond to that state is where you start this work. Instead of letting state-dependent memory and the same old thought patterns take the wheel, just acknowledge what's happening physically, take a deep breath, breathe into the tension. Relax your shoulders all in an effort to imagine that you're resetting your body. Relax your shoulders all in an effort to imagine that you're resetting your body, letting it know that everything is safe and it does not have to bring up the same old stored experiences.
Speaker 1:When you interrupt the cycle with awareness, you're creating a memory of a different body state, a different emotional memory. This can potentially mean that each moment of argument carries potential of change, of creating a new future. So, then, the biggest point of solution here is, if you're thinking of each conflict as a chance to retrain your body's memory, then this is your opportunity to actively choose a different, calmer physical response each time you're in a conflicting situation. In this case, you're creating new memories tied to these situations and, over time, when similar issues come up, your body will remember these moments of calmness and patience instead of automatically responding with frustration. So, instead of seeing your partner's disagreement as a trigger to your old grievances, try and approach it from a place of curiosity. When you feel your body start to tense, ask a simple question why does this matter so much to me? Why does it matter so much to them? Just curiosity about new perspectives? Because curiosity is a completely new emotional state and the same process that created a state-dependent memory of frustration, upset, anger that fuels the fight, the very same process will create a state-dependent memory of curiosity that can lead to having interest in other people's opinion and engaging conversation rather than reactivity, which has a much higher chance of reaching a solution to the conflict. The more often you choose to approach conflicts with this new perspective, the quicker will it be for your body to start associating these situations with calm, thoughtful responses. That's when you get to realize what your underlying values are, why your partner is doing what they're doing and why you are approaching things the way you are approaching them. Over time, this gives you enough time. It gives your body enough time to begin to support you in handling disagreements without the usual automatic stress response. And what's amazing about this practice is that it extends far beyond your married life. It extends into your everyday life. You can use this process in any situation where emotional states seem to take over, based on body habit. It could be stress at work, frustration with kids, anxiety about an upcoming project or a task that you've been avoiding. Openly recognizing your body's stored emotional state and then redirecting it to something helpful. It empowers you to respond to yourself in a new, healthier manner.
Speaker 1:Okay, so the next thing I want to bring your attention to has to do with binary thinking. When you're in a disagreement, there's a strong pull to see things in black and white. One person is right and the other person is wrong, and you get caught into this binary thinking as if the argument has a winner and a loser. But the reality is that seeing disagreements this way will only create more distance rather than resolution In relationships, especially the one as close as your marriage. While winning in the conflict might feel like success in the beginning when you're in a mutual, highly reciprocal relationship like a marriage, when one party wins and the other party loses, you both lose Because the other party is now sitting in resentment, frustration, and that eats away at the connection of the relationship. And this gives rise to more and more underlying issues that haven't been talked about and haven't been addressed. They remain untouched in a way that doesn't bring you both closer together.
Speaker 1:At the heart of healthy conflict resolution lies exploring the gray area between the black and white, between the binary thinking. This gray area is the middle space where it's not about you winning or them winning. It's about understanding each other on a deeper level, understanding what other person's motivations, priorities and values are, and letting your priorities known to the other person as well. So, simply speaking, binary thinking is a natural tendency to split everything into right and wrong, good and bad, yes and no, winning or losing. It's quick, it's decisive and it offers a quick fix. It seems like it's going to be helpful to think this way, but in personal relationships this is highly damaging. When you box everything in one of the two categories, you miss out on the nuanced middle ground where true connection happens.
Speaker 1:Let's say you and your partner have conflicting opinions about letting your child attend a late night event. But what if there's more to this situation than a simple yes or no? What if your husband's concern isn't about the event itself but about safety? And what if your perspective is about trusting your child's growing independence? By labeling one view as right and the other one as wrong, you miss the chance to uncover the layers behind each stance, behind each opinion, and ultimately, you lose the opportunity for deeper understanding. So what does it look like to operate in the gray area? And that starts with accepting that the goal isn't to be right. It's not to win, but to understand why the other person feels the way they do. Why do they carry the opinion that they have?
Speaker 1:When you approach disagreements with curiosity instead of certainty in your opinion, when you approach disagreements with curiosity instead of certainty in your opinion, you're opening a door to a conversation, not a contest. You're saying help me understand what's important to you in this, why is it important to you in this? And you're revealing the same layers to your husband. This requires some self-reflection, this requires some awareness, and this is the mindset that transforms your conflict in an opportunity to learn, and not an opportunity to learn just about the issue at hand, but about each other as a human being, about each other's values, concerns, dreams, and this gray area is where you'll find that there's more to a disagreement than meets the eye, because the more you explore, the more you come to realize that your partner's perspective isn't so different than yours Most of the time, no matter how conflicting the opinion seems, it's built on a shared foundation. You both want what's best for your child, your family or each other. You just have different ideas on how to get there. Your family or each other, you just have different ideas on how to get there.
Speaker 1:The power behind discovering this nuance is the real game changer behind conflict. When you start to see beyond binary thinking, you make room for solutions that truly work for both of you. Let's say you're talking about finances and you both have strong opinions on spending versus saving. If one of you wins and the other loses, no one's going to be fully satisfied in the long run. But by exploring the gray area, you might uncover that one person's focus on saving seems to stem from a desire for long-term security, where the other person's interest in spending relates to creating a joyful family experience in the present. When you're acknowledging both perspectives, you can co-create the plan that respects each other's priorities without one side feeling sacrificed. So when you're exploring the gray area, start with curiosity, share your values, acknowledge the validity behind both views, peel layers, have conversations in different times and contexts, continue to explore until you reach a meeting point.
Speaker 1:Embracing the gray teaches your children that life isn't about right and wrong. It's not about black and white. It's about finding ways to work together and respect each other. When they see you and your husband navigate disagreements this way, they will learn an invaluable skill skill of empathy, respect for others, being able to take other people's point of view and hold it with some regard, and this will give them the ability to find common grounds Again. This will set them the ability to find common grounds Again. This will set them up at an emotional intelligence tier that will be much higher than anybody in their group.
Speaker 1:While binary thinking feels comfortable, it feels right. Growth lives in the gray. It is a natural instinct for you to want clear answers, especially in the moment of disagreement, and binary thinking will provide you that. It will provide you safety and efficiency. It will provide you with a shortcut to resolve the tension. But relationships, especially marriage, by definition do not thrive on shortcuts. They thrive on the time you spend in investing and in truly understanding each other. The gray area conversations might take longer, I will admit that, but they will leave you both feeling respected and valued, creating a foundation of a partnership.
Speaker 1:By giving up binary thinking, you're choosing connection over winning, and who would have thought a conflict would actually lead to a connection? Because the methods that I've shared with you in this podcast do exactly that. When you're talking about managing conflicting parenting styles, what comes to mind is how can I manage other people's opinion, how can I help change their mind, when that's not what managing conflict is about? It's about getting over your state-dependent memory of the old and stale. That doesn't serve you. It's about creating new emotional states during a conflict. That in itself will set you on a path of incredible self-growth, but then disagreements with parenting take you beyond the conflict. They take you into connection. If you explore the gray, if you explore the unexposed, if you're willing to see what is not so obvious and behind this power of discovering nuance and managing your reaction to your body's memory is where you'll create the most incredible connection with your husband, even while having differing parenting styles.
Speaker 1:With that, I pray to Allah SWT. O Allah, grant us the wisdom and the patience having differing parenting styles. With that, I pray to Allah SWT. O Allah, grant us the wisdom and the patience as we navigate the journey of parenting together. Help us approach our differences with understanding, with ihsan, as we learn to see each other's intentions with kindness and clarity. O Allah, fill our hearts with compassion so that we may model respect and unity for our children. Ya Allah, guide us to create a home filled with love, empathy and shared values. Allow our disagreements to strengthen our bonds and for us to grow together in mercy and mutual support. Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.