Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Micro-Expressions and Childhood Triggers
Discover the hidden language of micro-expressions and unlock a deeper understanding of your emotions and relationships.
Ever noticed how a simple raised eyebrow or a sigh from someone can stir feelings of inadequacy?
This episode promises to transform your interactions by teaching you to recognize these subtle cues as remnants of childhood conditioning rather than reflections of your self-worth.
By updating your mental software, you'll learn to interpret others' reactions as their own constructs, empowering you to engage with confidence and control.
This episode will inspire you to rise above insecurities and embrace a more secure and resilient emotional life.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you, as I always teach you, guys, that our mind interprets the world and without that interpretation, we would not be able to assign it any meaning. With the meaning we assign, it comes how you feel. The meaning your brain assigns is the language in your mind, and that is immediately followed by a feeling.
Speaker 1:I wanted to remind you of this very important dynamic because the same brain is interpreting other people's micro-expressions as well. All the time, if you think about it, a single raised eyebrow, a tiny sigh or that classic side eye, somebody else gives you any of these microexpressions and quick signs and you feel either your stomach drop or your heart racing, or a nagging voice that starts saying did I mess something up Behind all of these micro-expressions that you see all the time? You might not even know why it bothers you so much, but sometimes it hits you deep before your rational mind can gather what's actually bothering you. Like a pin to a balloon, these little looks, these micro-expressions. They're not a small thing in your life. They're part of the secret language you all pick up as kids, like something hidden of an emotional code that gets embedded in your brain before you even know how to tie your shoes or how to even walk. Your mind is designed to interpret the world and it's designed to connect with others. So, by extension, your mind is constantly interpreting other people's micro-expression.
Speaker 1:A disappointing or disapproving frown from your parent, or that tiny look that said you should know better, even though you really didn't. All of that felt like a judgment, and when you're that young, everything feels huge. So all of these looks, they land in your memory bank like a life lesson you didn't ask for. The idea that stuck with you is if someone looked disappointed, it was probably because you were the problem. So now fast forward to today and there's still this part of you that reacts to all of those cues, like there's still the ultimate and final factual feedback you're getting, like it's the ultimate truth on who you are, when that's actually not the case. If you're in the middle of a serious meeting or just chatting with friends, a single look of disappointment has a potential to feel like a neon sign flashing. You did something wrong. All of those old, unwritten, unspoken rules from childhood are still alive, all of them living rent-free in your mind, making every glance, every micro-expression a potential of scrutiny and a potential to feel like a test that you either aced or failed.
Speaker 1:Now I'm not telling you this to blame the past or point fingers at your upbringing or to blame your parents. I'm telling you this so you understand how your minds learn to respond to the world, especially how they learned to respond to disapproval, which universally feels more intense than you realize. Think of learning to interpret microexpressions as learning an early language in your childhood. Just as you picked up words and phrases from hearing people around you talk, you also picked up emotional cues. When you are young, you don't have the mental quote-unquote firewall to separate what someone else's look of disapproval means for you versus what it means about anything else or maybe what it means about themselves. So if a parent or a teacher or a caregiver had a look that said what were you thinking? Why did you do this?
Speaker 1:Your brain will log it in as I did something wrong, even if that wasn't necessarily the case, and over time, all of these experiences stack up and the brain starts to think okay, let's just always be on guard for this stuff. That's why all of your triggers get accumulated. So when you feel triggered by somebody's disapproving, look today if that's triggering you in that moment. It's not about going back and finding fault with anyone. It's more about recognizing that your brain learned certain patterns for a reason and now it's trying to help you navigate relationships based on those patterns. But the biggest point I'm trying to make and this is where your healing is going to come from those old patterns don't always make sense in your adult life. In your adult life, you have more context, a clearer sense of your self-worth, and then you can rewrite those patterns. And this is very empowering, because once you understand that these triggers are just conditioned responses, you can start to reshape them.
Speaker 1:So at this point, I want you to realize that the code that you've been running on isn't all bad. It might just be a little outdated and instead of feeling at the mercy of every eyebrow raise or a sigh that's been given in your direction, you just start to see them as what they are someone else's reaction. You just start to see them as what they are Someone else's reaction, not necessarily a reflection of your worth or actions. So now, at this point, we start to update your mental software. You're not erasing the past, you're not blaming anyone. You're just giving yourself a new way to interpret those looks, a way that lets you feel secure and in control.
Speaker 1:So now, if you imagine sitting in a meeting or chatting with a friend and they raise their eyebrows or they have a tiny sigh, or they have a barely noticeable eye roll or they look at their watch, before you even know about it, before you realize it with your conscious mind, you might feel a wave of discomfort, a pinch in your chest or this, this weird, uneasy feeling in your gut. Previous to this podcast, your mind might have started to spin, question, wonder what did I do wrong? How did I disappoint them? Was this something funny that I said? Did I offend them? Now, previous to this podcast, your mind will subconsciously start to roll all of these questions out. But now you're starting to learn that, oh, it's one of those moments when all of their expressions are because of their responsibility and because of their thoughts and experiences. It does not have to mean anything about me.
Speaker 1:Your brain is not just randomly setting off alarms. It's reacting based on old bank of memories and patterns that it learned a long time ago. And all of this you don't consciously remember. You don't remember the moments of feeling judged or corrected as a child, but your body remembers that feeling and now in your adult life, you're just being emotionally reflexive to those memory banks. And when your brain gets a whiff of disapproval, it hits the panic button without checking, even if it's a fire. And when your brain gets a whiff of disapproval, it hits the panic button without checking, even if it's a fire, and suddenly you're just not reacting to this person's look. But you've created this whole story of how it worked and why you're feeling heavy and you yourself get loaded with judgment.
Speaker 1:So when you come across any of these micro expressions, when a colleague gives you a neutral look, and suddenly you're back in that mental space of feeling judged, or a family member's slightly bored or annoyed expression If it makes you feel small, what's happened is, without realizing it, you've zoomed back in time, feeling the same discomfort you might have felt as a kid. So from this point forward, all you're doing is replaying the background soundtrack in a different tone, in a different interpretation, and understanding that this does not mean you need to change how people look at you, because good luck with that. That's not going to happen. Instead, you recognize that the reaction is your brain's way of saying I've seen this before and it feels important. But now, as an adult, you have a chance to update the reaction, to remind yourself that a raised eyebrow isn't the whole story. It's definitely not the whole story about you or how you're doing. It's just a moment, not a judgment. Instead of seeing their disapproval and making it mean something about you, rewrite it as an outside opinion If your inner critic shows up front and center, whispering things like you messed up, why did you do this?
Speaker 1:What's wrong with you? Before you begin to start self-criticizing, before you start to judge yourself, create a gap in that moment and understand that you don't need to continue to run on the outdated programming. Behind all of these micro-expressions that trigger you, you might have been holding up a mirror to yourself and seeing only your flaws. You have been internalizing that expression, whether it's real or just something you perceive. That had become a starting point of cascade of self-doubt for you at this point. But from now on, you're not reacting to somebody else's look. You're actively tearing down your old beliefs and learning to treat yourself with respect instead of the disdain that you feel and you're leaving that self-disdain behind that you had feared other people have for you. With that single look or just the idea of somebody looking at you fishy, if it flips your internal switch, you flip it off. You're not piling on the self-criticism anymore, you're actually cleaning all of that up, the self-contempt that you fall into as a result of misinterpreting other people's micro expressions.
Speaker 1:All your life it has felt like self-protection, as if by being extra hard on yourself you're somehow taking control of the situation. But that self-judgment as a part of self-protection is also outdated programming. So what you're doing is getting ahead of the judgment, challenging the idea that something is quote-unquote wrong with you. So think of it as carrying around a disapproval meter inside of you and the moment you sense the needle move whether it's a sigh or a glance or a silence that feels too heavy for you. Instead of you reacting and pushing the needle all the way to the red, beating yourself up before anyone else does think of it as moving that needle in the the way to the red, beating yourself up before anyone else does think of it as moving that needle in the opposite direction, towards the green, towards self-acceptance, towards self-care, towards reminding yourself of your 100% self-worth at all times and rewiring those triggers.
Speaker 1:Because if you don't do this work, once that self-criticism starts in your own mind, it tends to snowball, touching all of the other areas of your life. And suddenly it's not just about that one look, that one comment that might have made you feel small. It becomes a flood of insecurities and it flashes in front of you all of the times. You haven't measured up, because this inner critic does not have a sense of moderation. It goes all in and just one moment of a microexpression that might have triggered you leaves you feeling completely worn down and exhausted. But all we're doing is a quick look inwards. Your power to reinterpret these microexpressions, this slight disapproving look that your mind interprets, does not have to be a full-on self-judgment spiral. You can and will catch yourself in the moment of self-criticism and ask Wait, is this really about me, or am I just reacting to old patterns? It's just a way of pausing, noticing and offering yourself a little bit of compassion at a time, and by doing these small things you will start changing the habit of jumping to self-contempt and instead give yourself room to breathe, to remember that a single look does not define you.
Speaker 1:If your partner's looks have been triggering that seem dismissive or disappointed, and if the reaction you've stirred up so far is almost out of proportion, it has been because in a strange way, your mind links that small look of disapproval with all of the feelings you've had in childhood Same thing with parents and all of these reactions become deeply embedded as the norm of how you gauge your value in the relationship. I'm not saying your triggering emotional reaction is invalid. I'm saying it might not be serving you. It'm not saying your triggering emotional reaction is invalid. I'm saying it might not be serving you. It's not because their look of disdain or disapproval is a confirmation of something lacking in you. It's just that what's happening is your interpretation is through the power of early conditioning.
Speaker 1:Your intensity of reaction is not about them. It's about you and how you learned to interpret those looks of disapproval as a kid and I do this all of the time. If I feel that intense sting from a close person's look, somebody that I admire, somebody that I'm in a close relationship with I take a deep breath and remind myself this is just old programming. I'm not that child anymore. And you don't do this to dismiss their opinion. You do this to keep you from collapsing into self-criticism. They are welcome to keep their opinion, even if that opinion was of disapproval towards you. You've been wearing glasses tinted with the expectations of others' disappointment. So from now on, if you think that somebody's constantly checking their watch because of you being boring, give yourself a pause and maybe it's because they're about to miss a train.
Speaker 1:You're allowed to think that Just because somebody else's look or tone feels like disapproval, it does not mean that it defines you. Other people's impressions, expressions is not a reflection of your character or worth. When you begin to catch these reactions and question them, you give yourself a chance to break this cycle. You acknowledge you're just acknowledging the old patterns without letting them take over, reminding yourself that their expression real or imagined are not the truth about you, about who you are. It's just a signal, not a sentence, definitely not your story.
Speaker 1:Some micro-expressions that might have triggered you up until now and you'd want to be a little more conscious about is the eye roll, the heavy sigh, a raised eyebrow, the side eye smirking, which can be interpreted as a sarcastic or condescending smile, crossed arms that might signal to you defensive or judgmental stance. Looking away in mid-conversation and you interpreting that breaking of the eye contact as I'm boring, I'm not interesting enough, or any of that sort. If somebody raises their chin, you might interpret it as they're looking down towards you, that they're giving you a sense of superiority, that they're giving a sense of superiority over you. Scoffing or snorting you might interpret it as your actions being laughable or ridiculous. Another micro expression is like a tight-lipped smile. You might interpret it as they're forcing a smile just to be courteous towards you. If somebody checks time on their watch or they check their phone, you might be interpreting it as they have better things to do than be here with me. If somebody taps their fingers or feet, you might interpret it as a sign of their impatience, that they just can't wait to finish talking with you.
Speaker 1:A few other micro-expressions are other people shaking their head, or if somebody gives you a double look, quick, once-over glance, and you might have a tendency of interpreting as a judgment about you or your appearance. If somebody leans back and steps back a little bit, you might interpret this as them generating a distance because they have discomfort or resistance towards what you're saying. Or if somebody talks over you, you might interpret it as what you're saying isn't worth listening to. And the biggest trigger is when people avoid or refuse a response, when they don't engage with you. Their silence, their lack of acknowledgement might suggest to you that they're checked out, that they're not interested, and at body's level that gets interpreted as a lack of love and belonging and connection. And all of these are just heightened responses based on old, conditioned programming. I'm not saying that you are wrong for having these responses. I'm saying that you have the authority to not constantly be living in a triggered state.
Speaker 1:With that, I pray to Allah SWT. O Allah, the most merciful, the most compassionate, grant me and all of us peace in our hearts and clarity in our minds. Help me to recognize that the judgments of others do not define me. Help me to recognize that the judgments of others are part of my own interpretation. Help me heal the wounds that my mind creates based on my old, stale interpretations. Help me reshape my insecurities into strengths. Grant me the strength to rise above the whispers of self-doubt that shaitan whispers in my ears. Allah, grant me the courage to assert myself with confidence, love and respect. Allah, may I always remember that the only value that should matter to me is my value in your eyes and that with you, I am enough. Ameen, ya Rabbul A'ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.