Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Dealing with Narssicism Part 2
Discover the path to reclaiming your self-worth amidst narcissistic relationships. Focus inward to protect your mental energy. We'll explore strategies to maintain confidence and reduce the impact of narcissistic manipulation by celebrating your achievements and setting firm boundaries. Tune in to understand how shifting your emotional responses from anger to empathy can empower your healing journey, allowing you to envision a thriving future beyond the narcissistic influence.
Join us in building resilience through self-love as we emphasize the transformative power of investing in yourself.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Last podcast we talked about what's important to learn about narcissistic traits, how their behaviors are, how they manifest and how narcissism usually stems from a person's inability to escape a fight, survival mode from childhood and as an adult it manifests as anger, entitlement, lack of empathy. But what I want to focus on today is how to actually deal with narcissism. And the answer is that you don't. You don't directly deal with narcissism. To deal with narcissism, you focus on yourself. It's quite simple. Again, a few very sensitive disclaimers. Please create your emotional safety around this topic. This is not meant to trigger you. If it does, that means that your mind and body is telling you that you're not ready for this journey and you might want to try a different approach. And my other disclaimer is this is only for my girls who have opted to stay in these relationships. You get to decide at any point whether this is worth your energy and time or not. So we were educating about narcissism and I'm just going to review a few things.
Speaker 1:Narcissistic behavior is not the same as having narcissistic personality disorder. You can have the traits of narcissism and not have the disorder, but not the other way around. Narcissism usually has a sense of entitlement, manipulative behavior, lack of empathy, where they're unable to or unwilling to understand how to care about other people's feelings. There's a component of being threatened by others, especially feeling threatened about their confidence, their success. The defense mechanism is of contempt, usually putting other people down. It usually arises from a very low and damaged self-esteem.
Speaker 1:What we also learned is that it is not our responsibility to engage in appropriately diagnosing somebody with narcissistic personality disorder. Our responsibility is to focus on how we can actually deal with it, and what we do to deal with it is ignore their behavior, however, and whenever possible. This is one of the most effective strategies, because narcissists thrive on attention. So if you don't give their actions and words any significance, you reduce their power and this de-escalates the situation and it protects your mental energy. So the basic idea is that you ignore that behavior. You ignore the narcissist not as a human, but their narcissistic tendencies, and you do that by building on all of the rest of the ideas I'm going to give you in this podcast. You don't seek validation or clarity from a narcissist, because their job is gaslighting. That's what they're good at making you question your reality. If you seek validation or clarity from them, it will only lead to confusion and self-doubt. Instead, work on trusting your own judgment. Work on trusting your experience rather than relying on their feedback, or any external feedback for that matter.
Speaker 1:Another way you ignore their behavior is you focus on yourself. I'm going to give you a quick example. Let's say you ask him to pick up groceries on his way back from work and he doesn't do that, instead of having open communication about it, that he was too tired, he simply didn't want to, or that he forgot. In that triggered situation, a narcissistically inclined individual will turn the situation around and he will make you feel guilty for asking, and in that moment, your mind's tendency will be to naturally focus on him how he responds, what they think and how unfair it feels and how he shouldn't be acting this way. But this is exactly what does not need to happen, and this is where you reclaim your power. Instead of engaging in their manipulation, even in your mind, turn your attention inward, focus how you can respond without giving away your peace, and you do that by realizing that their behavior does not reflect your worth. You are allowed to prioritize your own well-being. You might have asked them to pick up the groceries because you yourself were tired. That does not mean that you did anything wrong, even though they will try their level best to prove that you are the one that's wrong in this situation. Focusing on yourself, having your back, focusing on yourself, having your back, keeping yourself in grace and holding yourself with love is all the shift that you need in dealing with narcissism, and this shift is transformative. Every time you catch yourself wanting to fix or understand them, you redirect that energy to your own growth. Ask yourself how can I build myself up today? Maybe it's learning something new. Maybe it's setting small goals and achieving them. Maybe it's spending time with people who respect you. Each action builds on your emotional resilience. Make yourself the center of your world, and when you strengthen that center, their ability to harm you diminishes.
Speaker 1:Another way you ignore narcissistic tendencies is that you work on your confidence, because building unshakable confidence is absolutely needed when you deal with narcissism. You may have a tendency to feel small in their presence, especially when they exploit your vulnerability. For example, let's say you've shared an achievement with them a promotion at work, for example and instead of celebrating with you, they belittle you. They belittle your success. They subtly imply that it's not as significant as you think, and then you start to doubt yourself. Maybe they're right, maybe it's not as important and maybe it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it to be. While they can use this tactic to erode your confidence, it is your responsibility to trust yourself in what is worth celebrating and what is not. And if they're not going to join you, you are more than welcome to celebrate yourself. Even if you feel the sting of their words, you stand firm. You did achieve something great at work. A promotion is great. Their inability to recognize it has nothing to do with your worth and your achievement and your ability to celebrate your promotion.
Speaker 1:Over time, when you continuously affirm your strength and stand up for yourself, their attempt to undermine you will lose their impact. It's like you deflated the narcissism out of them, and this happens because you're building on your confidence muscle. Each time you refuse to let them diminish you, that muscle grows stronger and even if you stumble, even if their words still hurt you at times, just understand that this is a part of the journey you keep going. The fact that they push a part of the journey you keep going, the fact that they push back, means that you're on the right path.
Speaker 1:Another way to reduce the effects of narcissism in your life is through your use of selective emotional attachment. So you will know that we've learned through our education narcissism that they're masters at playing the victim. They are excellent at making you feel responsible for their emotions, and this is where you remind yourself that you do not cause their emotions. Their thoughts cause their emotions. Let's say, for example, they accuse you for not caring about them because you didn't cater to one of their demands. The guilt they induce can be overwhelming, but this is where your selective emotional attachment will come into play. You don't attach to every emotional pull they create, but instead you step back and you recognize what is rational, what is actually worth your attention, and you can just simply ask yourself with compassion is this truly my fault or is it them manipulating the situation? By detaching emotionally from their victimhood, you protect your energy, you protect your faculties that will help you find answers in the situation logically. That does not mean that you're cold-hearted or detached from your feelings. It just means that you're simply refusing to let them manipulate or dictate your emotions. Instead, you're taking responsibility to create your own emotions. Stay grounded in what's true for you.
Speaker 1:The next item on this list to ignore and minimize narcissism is developing healthy boundaries. Setting and enforcing boundaries is absolutely fundamental with dealing minimize narcissism is developing healthy boundaries. Setting and enforcing boundaries is absolutely fundamental with dealing in narcissism. Let's say, the boundary you want to create is that you will not tolerate them speaking disrespectfully about you to others. The first time they cross that boundary, they will minimize it, they'll make excuses or they'll just say it's your fault. They'll accuse you of being too sensitive. But what you have to remember here is that enforcing boundaries is not about how they respond to your request. It's about how you respond when they don't follow through with your boundaries, and you respond with the utmost self-respect.
Speaker 1:When you're trying to enforce a boundary, usually you're telling yourself that they don't treat you well, they don't value your peace and your integrity, and you're feeling frustrated, angry, and this is exactly what breaks the system down. You create boundaries not out of frustration for them. You create boundaries because of your utmost self-respect. You do it because of your own sanity and your own love for yourself. When you draw out a boundary, it's an if-then statement. You tell him if you speak to other people about me disrespectfully, then I will never be going out to parties with you, or I will not be choosing to be with you in the company of my friends. And next time he does not respect your boundary, out of complete self-respect, you follow through with that boundary. You follow through with what you said you were going to do. You do not create self-shame for that. You do not take responsibility for making him feel bad when you don't show up to the next party with him. That follow-through action and focus on yourself is absolutely necessary in healthy boundaries. And then one of the most important components is to seek outside help, seek therapy, seek coaching. And this is going to be your lifeline.
Speaker 1:Emotional chaos and the turmoil that comes with dealing with a narcissist sometimes is challenging for beginners. That comes with dealing with a narcissist Sometimes it's challenging for beginners. A lot of times these relationships leave deep wounds that aren't just about their behavior, but it's about your unmet needs and your desires that you brought into the relationship and your expectations that continue to go unmet in the relationship. Coaching offers you a safe space to grieve, to process, to start healing. You really don't have to do this alone. You will learn coping mechanisms, understand the patterns that attracted you to the relationship and, most importantly, heal those patterns. You will start to rebuild your sense of self, because every step you take towards healing will make you stronger. Because, like I've said from the beginning, it's never about fixing the narcissist. It's about rebuilding yourself.
Speaker 1:Next item on the list is use of helpful emotions. When you're facing a narcissist's manipulation, instead of reacting with anger or frustration, choose a different emotional response. Pity is one of the very common emotional responses that can get you into a neutral emotional situation quickly. You can simply shift your energy by recognizing that their behavior is coming from deep insecurity and fear, like if they try to make you doubt your worth or gaslight, you then just reminding yourself that their actions are rooted in their own pain. Feeling pity does not mean you're letting them off the hook. It means you're taking back control of your emotions. Maybe by choosing pity or any other emotion, you move out of a reactive state and into a place where you are no longer under their manipulative effect. This is where you have your compassion available for yourself and you're still protecting yourself.
Speaker 1:And then, very importantly, just understanding a narcissist's limitations. They're operating from a place of deep insecurity and fragility. They're refusing to acknowledge any wrongdoing in the situation because doing that will mean a complete shattering of their self-identity. Instead of trapping them further into this and trying to make them see their fault, just a quick reminder that their behavior as a defense mechanism is going to be enough to pull you out of the trap of proving yourself correct. They have a significant lack in their ability to look inward. They have a significant lack in their ability to look inward because the pain of self-reflection is too much for them to bear.
Speaker 1:Again, not an excuse, just an explanation. You don't understand them and you don't understand this design to condone their behavior. You understand it, so you can stop making their behavior mean something about you. This understanding allows you to let go of the need to fix them. You are not responsible for their healing. When you start to understand more and more that their behavior is a reflection of their own limitations, you will stop trying to change them and automatically start to focus on yourself more and more, which has been the theme all along, and this is what will protect you from further harm and then also allow yourself to grieve the relationship.
Speaker 1:Grieving the loss of what the relationship could have been is an extremely important part of your healing. Most of us will enter a relationship with hope Hope that this person will be a partner, a friend, a supporter. Or, if your relationship with a narcissist is not by choice like they're your family member by birth then allowing yourself to mourn the loss of what this relationship could have been. Allowing yourself the space to grieve, and not only for the relationship you hoped you had, but also for the parts of yourself that were hurt in the process. Because, as you're healing, you'll realize that the person you're now becoming after this experience is much more stronger, wiser and resilient.
Speaker 1:Continue to prioritize your well-being. Focus on long-term emotional strength, because the goal isn't just to survive the narcissist, it's to thrive beyond them. Picture a life where their words and actions no longer hold power over you. You no longer question your worth because of their actions. All of that is possible. When you focus on your long-term emotional strength and well-being, you're building a life centered around your peace, brick by brick. You're not building your life around their chaos. Prioritize your well-being. Engage in activities that make you feel alive and whole. Maybe it's creative expression, maybe it's worship, or maybe it's just simply spending time in nature. Focus on what helps you become a better person. When you aim towards that, you're not only surviving around a narcissist. You're actually creating a life that you can thrive in.
Speaker 1:The narcissist's significance fades as you build a future centered on your happiness, not their approval. The only way to deal with narcissism is to focus on yourself, on the love, the care and the unwavering devotion you will learn to have towards yourself. That's what will save you. When they double down on their efforts to make you doubt who you are, you double down on your effort to love yourself unconditionally. You are the source of your own happiness. And when you find completion and that foundational confidence in your existence, that's when you turn to your creator, allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and find profound meaning in worship, profound meaning behind the life that you're given. This love for yourself is your greatest act of resistance. This is the greatest act of ibrada, the worship that you can do. This is your shield, your power, your freedom. This is you choosing your healing over their validation. When you focus on yourself, you're no longer playing by their rules. You stop seeking approval, stop explaining yourself. Stop trying to make sense of their erratic behavior yourself. Stop trying to make sense of their erratic behavior. Instead, you root yourself in your reality, reality where your needs, your desires and your boundaries come first and you validate all of them.
Speaker 1:This focus on yourself in a narcissistic relationship is absolutely revolutionary. It is not selfish. It's necessary for your survival and your growth. When you take that energy that you once gave to the narcissist and invest it in yourself, you start to see how powerful you truly are. You stop feeling guilty for saying no when something doesn't deserve your attention. You stop apologizing for taking up space, for being successful, for being whole without their input. You begin to see yourself complete through your own eyes.
Speaker 1:This level of self-focus is not selfish because the effects of narcissism on you take you away from your creator. When you're living under the effects of narcissism, you're engaging in questioning the design. Why me Allah? What did I do to deserve this? Why does this happen to me?
Speaker 1:When you avoid compassionate self-acceptance and love because of fear of becoming a narcissist yourself, or fearing that this level of self-love will make you arrogant, or fearing that this will take you away from Allah is completely untrue, because remember what we said, narcissism is created in a deep-seated self-hate and toxic shame, a complete inability to accept themselves. So when you're loving yourself unconditionally, you're actually doing the exact opposite of what creates a narcissist. You're creating an environment where narcissism is impossible to develop. When you love yourself enough, you're creating the exact opposite situation where narcissism can survive. When you build yourself up in the wake of narcissism, it brings you much closer to Allah. You find so much peace and connection in your prayers, in your spirituality. You start to see how Allah swt actually meant for you to see yourself. You start to see that the forces of narcissism were just a curriculum for you to reach this final conclusion of you loving yourself and living your best life.
Speaker 1:It was always a way to teach you an effortless self-love. This was always the plan. Invest in yourself. Invest your attention, your time, your effort, your money in coaching. This is a gift you're giving yourself, your future generations, and it's a gift that will transform your life beyond your wildest imagination. With that I pray to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'alaT. Ya Allah, help me build my emotional resilience to stand firm in the face of narcissism. Help me protect my peace with unwavering resolve. Shield me from seeking validation from anyone but you, o Allah. Empower me to set firm boundaries with honor and dignity. Ya Allah, strengthen my heart so that I may thrive in my own power. Ya Allah, help me understand that my love for myself is not arrogance, but a reflection of the love you have placed within me. It's a reflection of the love that you have for me and for your creation. Ya Allah, allow me to rise above with grace, patience and faith, knowing that through this journey I'm finding my true strength and purpose. Ameen, please keep me in your doors. I will talk to you guys next time.