Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Dealing with Narssicism Part 1
Discover how understanding the complex nature of narcissism can transform your relationships and strengthen your emotional resilience. This episode promises to equip you with insights into how narcissistic traits manifest in marriages and close relationships, even when they don't meet the threshold for a full diagnosis. We'll unravel the core characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder as outlined in the DSM-5, and explore the survival instincts—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—that underpin these behaviors. By examining why narcissism might be more prevalent in men and considering cultural influences, we encourage an empathetic approach to this topic, validating your own emotional experiences along the way.
As we pivot toward empowerment, learn how to build a fortress of resilience against narcissistic influences. We’ll spotlight the importance of focusing on your inner strength and emotional independence, steering clear of manipulative tactics like gaslighting and more.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to be diving deeper into the theme that we've been touching on for the previous two podcasts, 201 and 202. And over there we explored the topic of mirror neurons and their functions. But today we're going to take it a step further and, specifically, I want to talk to you about narcissism, especially as it relates to your closest relationships, and I know this can be a heavy topic, but I want you to create your emotional safety with the same principles as we have discussed before. Take a break, come back to the topic. If it seems too heavy, then don't listen to it, and always deep and relaxing breathing is at your disposal to help you keep regulated. All the principles I'm going to talk to you about today apply to you navigating narcissistic tendencies at work or with acquaintances and any other daily interaction that you have, but today, specifically, I'm focusing on what happens behind closed doors how you handle narcissism within your closest relationship of marriage.
Speaker 1:So, according to the DSM-5, a narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, an insatiable need for admiration and a profound lack of empathy. How this shows up is with entitlement, exploitative behavior, arrogance, envy. So officially, for anybody to have a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis, five out of nine criteria must be met to diagnose it. But the thing is that not everybody who exhibits narcissistic traits has full-blown disorder. So you can have the traits of narcissism and not have the disorder. But it can't be the other way around. Some people may simply have the narcissistic tendencies, like being highly reactive to feedback, hating being told what to do or hijacking conversations to make them all about themselves. It doesn't matter if they have the full disorder or just the trait. It still is incredibly damaging and you don't have to diagnose them. It's neither your responsibility nor mine. The only thing that matters is this You're here and you're ready to do something about it, and that's what's important. So the basic foundation I want to lay is that I'm not here to trigger you by throwing around labels. My goal is to help you approach this with a clear, conscious mind, not from a place of fear. If you're going to create real change in how to deal with narcissism in your life, you will need to pull the emotional charge out of the word itself. I'm going to give you the tools to distance yourself from the harmful effects of narcissism just long enough to make meaningful, lasting changes in your relationships.
Speaker 1:First of all, at its core, narcissism is usually a defense mechanism. First of all, at its core, narcissism is usually a defense mechanism, a set of behavior that, from when someone is stuck in a fight stage of survival, they continue to grow into adulthood. It is said that hurt people hurt people, and narcissism is just one way that the hurt manifests. We all have our own survival mechanisms, and there are four to be exact, and I've talked about them in detail. They're fight, flight, freeze and fawn. And before you start thinking about how these apply to others, I just want you to start looking at yourself first. Which of these survival mechanisms do you gravitate towards? Which ones have kept you stuck in relationships that originally started out by keeping you safe? That's where you start. So just to revisit these states briefly the fight state, which is a high energy, ready to engage, full of anger and reactivity. Then there's the flight state your instinct to run to escape the situation and remove yourself from whatever the perceived threat is. Then there's the freeze state where you disengage completely emotionally and mentally, and sometimes physically, like the lights are on but no one's at home, type of situation. This is the human equivalent of playing dead, and while you don't look like a possum while doing it because you are a human being, the mechanism is the same because we, as humans, share these survival instincts with animals. And then the last one is the fawn state, where you flatter or appease the person threatening you to get out of harm's way. Each of these survival mechanisms plays out in adulthood, shaping patterns in how we respond to stress. Adulthood shaping patterns in how we respond to stress and narcissism, for example, is what develops when someone is stuck in a fight state from childhood. If your dominant survival mechanism as a child was to fight, whether it was emotional or even too subtle to physically act on, you're more likely to revert to that same fight response as an adult. The fight response when unhealed, is what's going to show up as narcissistic traits.
Speaker 1:This is a very shortcut and oversimplified way of explaining how he actually got here. Since we're talking about narcissism in husbands or any male relative that's close to you. This is a very simple way of explaining how this might have developed in him, and I'm not offering this explanation to make excuses, but I'm doing it to take the emotional charge out of the word narcissism for you, so you can begin to really listen to the solutions I'm going to discuss with you today. By understanding why narcissism is formed, you might feel some empathy. And if you don't if the hurt is too fresh or too deep, that's completely okay. This is not an invitation for you to sympathize with narcissistic behavior. This is just an explanation and nothing more. However you respond to, this information is absolutely valid. My hope is that this understanding opens a small enough window in your nervous system, just enough to let some solutions in. We're cracking the door open for receptivity, so the message of change can enter your mind and body.
Speaker 1:Now, why is narcissism more common in men? Well, people-pleasing tends to show up more in women, and it's all mostly because of culture. Fawning, submitting and appeasing to avoid conflict is what grows into people-pleasing, while fighting, responding with anger, evolves into narcissistic tendencies. Both cause damage, but in different ways. Narcissism hurts those around the person, while people-pleasing harms yourself. Yet the generational impact of both of these is devastating. At large, it develops a nation unable to heal Self-sacrifice at the level that people-pleasers endure causes just as much damage as narcissism. And how would that be, you might ask, which? This might be a topic for another day. But in short, when you're spent from constantly giving, you have nothing left to contribute, and people pleasers are the ones that become perfect targets for narcissists.
Speaker 1:We'll explore this dynamic a little more, and I might have to create a part two for this, but for now, let's just start to shift from understanding into action. A narcissistic dominant personality is someone who takes the responsibility and freedom given to men in Islam and twists it, using it to control and oppress women. But also, let's just be clear Islam itself does not do that. Unhealed people do so. Then how do you actually deal with narcissism? How to take this understanding and put it into action? The truth is, you actually don't. You don't give narcissistic behavior a second of your attention. That's how you deal with it. Instead, you focus entirely on developing yourself. That is the main secret.
Speaker 1:The majority of the information out there about narcissism probably around 90% of it, is centered around understanding the narcissist, and that's useful. And, you might notice, that's where I began this podcast too Breaking down what narcissism is, where it comes from, how to recognize it, because without this foundation you can't understand what you're up against. But here's where my perspective is drastically different. Once you've learned all of that, once you've learned the roots of narcissistic behavior, the signs, the patterns, once you're confident in identifying it, put that information in the background, let it sit in the archives of your mind, because from this point forward, the focus needs to shift. To you, what matters most is how you respond when faced with narcissism.
Speaker 1:Once you recognize it in real life, forget how you got to that conclusion. Don't waste your mental energy replaying how you came to that conclusion, what the message of this podcast was, or that TikTok video or any self-help book that spelled out all of these signs to you. Even if you feel proud for identifying the narcissism, no-transcript. But what will actually protect you and safeguard you from the damaging effects of the narcissistic trait is your inner strength. Your response to it. The energy you put into refining your reaction is what will deflect the narcissism. You can do that until you can either remove yourself from the situation, distance yourself from that person, or until they change, but although, let's be honest, that's the last option and it's never in your control. So, yes, I'm all about learning about narcissism, understanding it deeply, but then shift your focus to building the resilience within yourself. That is where your true power lies.
Speaker 1:One of the most effective ways to de-escalate narcissistic behavior around you is by doing exactly what I've already told you Ignore it. I know that sounds simple, but let me paint you a picture of what it looks like in real life. He says that's not what I said. You're imagining things Classic narcissistic gaslighting, trying to make you question your own reality, and in that case your first natural instinct is going to be to doubt yourself. Maybe I am imagining it. Maybe he didn't say that this self-doubt is exactly what narcissistic traits feed on. Or even if you're certain of what he said, you might feel the urge to argue, to defend yourself, to fight it. But the thing is that that reaction will only fuel the narcissism more. Let me explain how that happens.
Speaker 1:Narcissism is born out of an individual's inability to look inward. They can't hold themselves in high regard and deep down, they've internalized the belief that their worth is diminished because of their past mistakes or because of their childhood. When you peel back the layers, what research is finding is that narcissism is actually rooted in extremely low self-esteem. This constant internal struggle creates a storm of mental trauma in the narcissistic mind. And to avoid facing that pain, they manipulate and they control everyone around them just to make themselves feel better, just to fill the void that they can never fill themselves. To me, it's actually a sad reality, really.
Speaker 1:Narcissism is a result of a fragile ego, a broken sense of self. These individuals believe that they deserved the mistreatment they experienced as a child, which is extremely heartbreaking. Like, I personally feel pity for them. This belief is what keeps them from ever questioning themselves, because looking inward will expose all of the broken parts that they've been hiding from. But the most important part for an outsider to recognize is that their fear of brokenness doesn't actually mean that they're broken. It doesn't mean that their past traumas make them unworthy In their minds, though. That's the story they've been living by and mostly unaware of it, and this is what disconnects them from themselves, their own bodies, their emotions. They become so out of touch with their own feelings that when you ask them to connect emotionally, they might say I don't have emotions, I don't feel any feelings. But their disconnection from their own emotions doesn't stop them from reading your emotions, and that's a very important distinction.
Speaker 1:Narcissists are very highly skilled at picking up on other people's emotions because it's something that they do logically and intellectually, not necessarily emotionally. So if you're working to become a stronger person in the presence of a narcissistic personality, they will immediately sense it. And if you're trying to fake that strength, they will also immediately sense that. This means that when you first start to stand up for yourself especially if you've never done it before you might stumble. That does not mean that you're failing or that you should stop. It means that you're on the right path. When a narcissist feels your effort to gain strength, they'll likely double down on their attempts to tear you down, but that's a sign that what you're doing is working. So keep focusing on yourself. Keep building your confidence. So keep focusing on yourself. Keep building your confidence. Even if you have proof, like a video recording, of him saying exactly what you remember, he will deny it and he'll do so with complete conviction and complete belief.
Speaker 1:So my advice is absolutely simple Don't fight that battle. Proving yourself right in front of a narcissist might boost your ego momentarily, but it won't serve you your long-term goals of safety, peace or healing in a relationship. The real victory is your self-growth and your ability to trust yourself and your ability to rise above the need of validation from someone who basically thrives on keeping you uncertain. And then there are other common misconceptions that narcissists choose weak people as their victims. But that's actually not the case. A lot of strong, independent women make far more satisfying targets for a smart narcissist. So if you think you're immune to narcissists effect just because you've gained independence, please watch out for this pitfall.
Speaker 1:Going back to the key concept, and that is to not fight their game directly, but to reduce their significance in your life, and you do that by increasing your significance in your life. That's how you create a distance. You are welcome to grieve the relationship you can heal through therapy, through art, through worship. You let it go. Do whatever you need to create that distance. Go to therapy to mourn what could have been, to heal the wounds that led you into a relationship with him in the first place. To heal the wounds that led you into a relationship with him in the first place. Get coaching. You will get stronger and in doing so you will destroy their narcissistic self-image.
Speaker 1:But let me be absolutely clear on two things. I am not talking about destroying the narcissist as a person. You're not out to crush them as a human being. You are there just dismantling their narcissistic qualities. There's a huge difference. In one case you're out to destroy the person and in another case you might or might not be able to save them. This leads me to the second point that I want to be clear about. This is only for relationships that you actually choose to stay in. If you've decided this is too much and it's not safe for you or your loved ones or your children, you are more than welcome to exit the relationship at any point.
Speaker 1:Your attempt to make a narcissist self-aware will not be as fruitful as you think, because they will go to an extreme length to avoid shame that pops up every time they look inwards. They will play the victim, claim the whole world is against them and they will use every tactic denial, deflection, gaslighting, aggression, rage all just to scare you into backing down Again. Your safety is paramount. All of the rest that I'm talking about here comes second. Once you have ensured your safety and once you have decided this is a relationship you want to work on, then the only work you have left to do is to build yourself up non-stop.
Speaker 1:You're told to communicate with a narcissist about how they've hurt you. But do not do that. They will twist it, they will talk in circles and before you know it they'll have convinced you that you are the problem. You will end up apologizing for hurting them and the pain you originally felt will still be there and it will be unresolved. So you'll always be in a state of seeking closure that you never receive. And then, when you try to circle back to find that closure, they'll accuse you of living in the past. So when you're doing this work, don't waste any energy in hopes that some sort of effective communication method will get your message across to the narcissist.
Speaker 1:Do not chase clarity with a narcissist, because they thrive on keeping you in the fog of confusion. Chase clarity within yourself. Let's take another common example. Let's say a narcissistic husband says you talk a lot but you don't do much. The self-doubt you feel is because your mirror neurons have translated his doubt into your own doubt. Then you turn to your girlfriends and say my husband is so mean he never says anything nice about me. But this is a very ineffective way to handle narcissism, because you're fueling narcissism in a different circle with your girlfriends and you're letting this criticism get to you. All of this will feed the narcissism.
Speaker 1:The more you believe the story they're telling you, the more you're caught in the emotional contagion. You're letting the most primitive part of your brain take control. But the power you have is that you can override the message, the message of the self-doubt your mirror neurons are creating through your conscious thoughts. You can override it by self-work, strengthening your mind, strengthen your response. You are not here to fix another person. You are here to reclaim yourself, and that's the only way you can deal with narcissism.
Speaker 1:A few episodes ago, I shared how I let positive emotional contagion influence me all the time. I feel uplifted by other people's growth and evolution, and it's almost effortless for me, especially when I'm in a crowd like that. I simply absorb that energy and let my mirror neurons do that work. And this effect of mirror neurons is something you don't have to change or fight against. This is natural and incredibly efficient and, not to mention, very beneficial for you. Your mirror neurons are great at their job, so you don't need to consciously override every message they send.
Speaker 1:Just focus on overriding the messages that create problems in your life, and those are usually messages coming from your narcissistic relative. No one's going to come up to you and ask you why are you only adopting positive energy from your environment and leaving the rest behind? The answer is very simple You're doing it because you can. You can take the messages that help you and leave the ones that don't. The same thing happens with me. If you spend enough time with me, I'll brainwash you into absolutely believing in yourself, and that's the power of emotional contagion. Because I believe in you, I use your mirror neurons all the time to influence your belief in yourself, just because of this emotional contagion.
Speaker 1:Here's where things shift, though, because when you're dealing with narcissistic behavior, it's not easy to avoid the negative emotional contagion. Narcissists use their energy to plant seeds of doubt in you, feeding your insecurities and making you question your worth, and this is exactly why strengthening yourself in the face of narcissism is absolutely fundamental. You need to consciously reject the negative message their behavior sends you and focus on building the resilience to stand strong, to trust yourself, no matter what emotional tactics they throw at you. The real work is learning to override all of the harmful messages, fortifying your own self-belief and becoming unshakable in the presence of narcissism. In the next episode, I'll talk more about exactly how to do that and how to empower yourself, so their behavior is no longer defining your emotional reality.
Speaker 1:With that, I pray to Allah SWT. Ya Allah, I seek refuge in you from the harm of those who are consumed by arrogance and lack of empathy. O Allah, grant me the wisdom to recognize a harmful action without letting it affect my heart. Strengthen my resolve to focus on my own growth, my healing and my relationship with you. Ya Allah, allow me to remain patient, resilient, allow me to ignore what does not serve my peace, and protect me from becoming entangled in manipulations. Peace and protect me from becoming entangled in manipulations. Ya Allah, guide me to build inner strength and to always trust in your justice and mercy. Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.