Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Escaping Toxic Energies
In this episode of Escaping Toxic Energy, we dig deep into a powerful, often overlooked truth: simply cutting toxic people out of your life isn’t enough. Sure, escaping negativity and protecting your peace is great, but what happens when you can’t walk away? What if you’re stuck in situations where escape only brings temporary relief?
Join us as we explore the deeper work of building internal resilience. Your nervous system, your inner world—it’s where the real battle lies. We’ll talk about how to use toxic environments as a "gym" to strengthen your mental and emotional defenses, so that you’re no longer at the mercy of someone else’s bad vibes.
If you’ve ever felt exhausted from dodging toxic people and situations, this episode is for you. You’ll walk away with the tools to take charge of your energy, filter out negativity, and strengthen your emotional "firewall" so you can show up powerfully, no matter the situation.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:I love the education in the current culture about being aware of other people's toxic energy. When it's all about escaping toxic energy, protecting yourself from it, removing yourself from such situations, all in the effort of trying to protect yourself from other people's negative vibes, cutting people out who bring you down, keeping your inner peace intact all of these are very helpful ideas culturally, and if we're getting something right, it's the idea of not including toxicity in your life and staying away from toxic people. This message helps you be mindful of who you surround yourself with, but I want to bring your attention to this escaping the, removing yourself from the situation, removing the people from your life that are toxic. With everything else, there's an overemphasis on the escape, overemphasis on changing the external in hopes of changing the internal. And, as usual, when a culture tries to create a good change, it is because there's a need. There's a need for you to protect yourself from toxicity, but also, as usual, it is hard to keep cultural forces in check. When the pendulum starts to swing from negativity to the middle in an effort to correct things, it always swings very far away in the other direction, and it is the extreme of going to always just avoiding the situation or removing yourself or others from the situation which raises the question. Removing yourself or others from the situation which raises the question what about just not internalizing the toxicity? This is where your best course of action lies, because sometimes you don't have the option to escape.
Speaker 1:Sometimes leaving a situation might be more tolling than staying, and sometimes you can't remove people from your life. What do you do then? When the modern culture says I don't have time for toxicity in my life? I admire that. This is great self-awareness, this is great boundary setting, but let's not use the same tool to fix all the problems. That's taking something good to an extreme. Where it stops being good, it stops working. The way I also want you to think about it is to expand your toolbox that you're using to build your life. This is like thinking of toxicity around you as a gym, when you're always escaping the situation. It's like deciding to skip the gym every day because it's too hard, while hoping to stay fit.
Speaker 1:The external world full of toxic vibes is only half the battle. The other half the battle is the inner world, the internal gym, if you will, and this is never done when your trauma or triggers are very raw and real and unhealed. This is only done when you have resourced yourself enough to face the challenge, and that includes your inner resources of self-love, self-assuredness, and external resources of coaching and other therapeutic outlets, and also external resources of other people holding you in high regard. These could be your family, friends, community. If you just quote-unquote escape toxic energy without understanding your own triggers, what you will find is that wherever you go, you will find toxic people and the you will find toxic people and the escape cycle will start all over again. This is because toxicity is coming from your internal triggers, something that switches on around certain people or certain comments or actions. For you to make the best of this gym that is this life, you would want to find out what sets you off so you don't continue to internalize the toxicity wherever you go.
Speaker 1:As a high-functioning professional woman, if you're dealing with co-workers who are always bringing you down, sure you can switch teams or work remotely, but that doesn't address why this colleague's energy gets under your skin. What's really happening is that your internal gym, also known as your triggers, aren't being worked on. If you feel a nagging sense of doubt whenever your co-worker questions your decision, then this is where you need to work, not internalizing the doubt based on the colleague's behavior. And this is exactly where the escape culture misses the beat behavior. And this is exactly where the escape culture misses the beat. It's not about escaping the bad vibes, although when you're not resourced enough to keep yourself safe from further psychological damage, escape is a great option it is actually the preferred option in that case but at some point you would want to hunker down, question your triggers, heal them, because escaping will continue to become exhausting.
Speaker 1:Toxicity around you is about understanding why these bad vibes have a hold on you in the first place. If you're just out there Marie Kondo-ing your relationships and cutting people out left and right cleaning up house, it will feel empowering for a moment. But without diving deeper into why these toxic energies affect you, you'll find yourself constantly dodging the same new toxic situation. The co-worker's energy is not the problem. It's just that you haven't practiced self-confidence enough to be able to let the co-worker's opinion just roll off your back like it doesn't even matter. The part of you that isn't confident in your own decisions is what needs to be worked on. This is the weight in the gym. You've got to unpack that internal baggage because otherwise the next time someone throws any shade you're going to feel just as rattled, no matter how many people you cut off. So the next million dollar question becomes how do you do that? How do you control the nervous system and stay regulated? What is the role of your nervous system in receiving this toxic energy?
Speaker 1:Toxic energy doesn't just zap into you from outside the world. Your nervous system acts as a barrier. It's kind of like your personal Wi-Fi router, which is when your colleagues' bad energies around you. It doesn't just automatically log into your body and wreck your mood. It's filtered through your nervous system, your mind, your thoughts. These are your interpretations, your perceptions. Think of your nervous system as a firewall. If the settings are off, then anything will be able to get through.
Speaker 1:If you've got a big presentation at work and right before you go on, your boss makes a passive, aggressive comment about the quality of your slides, if your nervous system is on autopilot, you might absorb the negative vibe and spiral into self-doubt thinking. Maybe my slides are trash. But when you've got the mental firewall up, you can consciously decide how to interpret the comment. You can choose to acknowledge it for what it is just their opinion, not a fact. And that's the real takeaway.
Speaker 1:Toxic energy doesn't seep in unless you let it. It's like your nervous system is wearing noise-canceling headphones. Some sounds get through, but you have control over which ones you pay attention to. So the next time someone throws something shady at you ask yourself is this really about them or is this about what I'm willing to receive? You might realize that their energy can't reach you unless you lower your mental guard and you let it in. But then does that toxic energy actually seep in from your environment under your radar? Does that toxic energy actually seep in from your environment under your radar? I have given you a clear-cut answer that toxic energy doesn't come into your body without going through your nervous system. But I'm also going to throw loops and I'm all about throwing curveballs after resolving an issue because I want to create a deeper understanding for all of us. So how is it that you quote-unquote absorb toxic energy of us? So how is it that you quote-unquote absorb toxic energy If you can train yourself up to the level of a black belt and always have your mental guard up, then there will still be some times that you'll find yourself being sucked into the negativity when you're around certain people.
Speaker 1:So if anyone's toxic vibrational energy does not reach you unless it goes through your system, which is your antenna for these vibrations, then how do you get sucked into the negativity? And that's because of mirror neurons which are part of your nervous system. There are neurons that have automated the task of translating the outside world into your own emotions, based on the environment you're in, and I've said more on this on my last podcast. There's a hadith of Prophet peace be upon him, about good and bad companions. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said Barely the parable of a good and bad company is that of seller of a musk and blacksmith. The seller of musk will give you perfume and you will buy some, or you will notice a pleasant smell. As for the blacksmith, he will burn your clothes and you will notice a pleasant smell. As for the blacksmith, he will burn your clothes and you will notice a bad smell.
Speaker 1:Sahih Hadith reported in Bukhari and Muslim. This hadith is explained by scholars as the company you keep has an effect on you. When you are to remain of the opinion that I am affected by other people's energy and there is nothing I can do about it, then you're giving all of your authority to the most primitive part of your brain, the most basic, primal, lower-nufs-based quality, because mirror neurons are something that even animals possess. When a chimpanzee mimics a behavior, it's using its mirror neurons. Babies, at the most primal of their stages, possess this quality. They cry when you make a crying face. They copy the way you eat food. They mimic your anger, your empathy. They don't understand the language and the logic of what's happening. They're just internalizing their external world because their mirror neurons make them do so, and this is the most rudimentary survival mechanism. Babies have the most unevolved brains of most human stages. The prefrontal cortex doesn't fully develop until in their 20s. Well, unless you count dementia of old age, in which case you also see people that revert to their primitive responses.
Speaker 1:But let's not go there. I digress. What I'm saying is, yes, you catch emotions from people around you through social and emotional contagion of mirror neurons. In NLP it's somewhat called neurosuption. But to say that the only solution to this negativity is avoidance and escape is you saying that I've laid my arms to my most primitive responses and I will not be taking up choice in the matter? Let's just slow down there, shall we?
Speaker 1:First of all, let's not be surprised that you're falling into other people's vibrational frequencies. That's the normal part of being a human. That's what the hadith is referring to. And no matter how intellectual you are, how high functioning you are, how accomplished, how evolved you are, that primitive part of your brain will always be there Mirror neurons transcribing the outside world into the inner world. This is a part of your primitive brain. You were not born without a primitive brain. You cannot outlearn your way out of the primitive brain.
Speaker 1:So when you're feeling down because your child is sad, or you're irritated at your husband's anger, despite of knowing all of this design, it's because you can never outgrow the primitive part of yourself, in which case you just acknowledge that you caught the emotion under your awareness, but it only comes into your body through your nervous system. In this case, that part of the nervous system is mirror neurons, so that design is always in place. Nothing in your surroundings ever becomes a part of your internal world without crossing the threshold of your nervous system. And collectively. I call it the mind. But what can happen, and what does happen, is that it becomes a part of you without you ever knowing about it.
Speaker 1:The emotions that other people carry towards you, the toxic frequencies that other people are vibrating on that, are judgment, resentment, anger, doubt all of these things that other people are feeling for you, and they're carrying opinions about your abilities. You totally are under the risk of internalizing these frequencies without your awareness. But it also does not matter how strongly other people feel these emotions towards you. It can only affect you until you remain uneducated about this design. When you actually start to wake up to this dynamic, it is just as easy as not believing any of the other person's opinion about you. It is just as easy as not believing any of the other person's opinion about you. It is just as easy as blocking those vibrational frequencies with your own mind and with your own language, taking ownership of your nervous system, healing it, coming out of the shame and judgment for yourself.
Speaker 1:When you are a highly empathic, a highly attuned, highly sensitive person, your mirror neurons are just working overtime. They are able to read and translate all of the energies around you and your primitive brain thinks it's doing you a favor. It thinks it's keeping you safe from danger. It doesn't know that the danger is a dinner invite where you're expected to see your ex. You will feel that if you go to the party then you will feel the negative energy of your ex-husband. And you would be right in your concern, because mirror neurons of the primitive brain are going to be right there. They will translate the toxic energy of the ex-husband and they will do it diligently, right, according to their programming. But if you want to accept the invite both to the party and the bigger invite to the life that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, has designed for you, the life that is waiting for you, then you know that all you have to do is just not believe the message that your primitive brain is sending you, the message of internalizing the toxicity. So I'm going to give you my example, how it shows up for me and inshallah it will make it clearer.
Speaker 1:I will walk into a work meeting and someone will pass a passive-aggressive comment about my hijab, my skin color, or they will say you look so tired when I've actually slept a full eight hours, but they might perceive my skin tone as somebody who looks tired. My mirror neurons have picked up on that energy way. Before they even started talking to me. They pick up the vibe in the room and I can tell something is off. And previously, allegedly I might have believed their opinion. I would have said this is so toxic. People are more interested in how I look rather than my skills, my years of training or my hard work, and it would have totally set my mood off. This is me internalizing their opinion about me. This is me ruining my day based on their negative vibes. This is me believing their internal biases about my appearance and then how it shows up for me for the rest of the day is me acting dysregulated, forgetting all of the prep that I did for the meeting, shuffling pages, not finding my focus, misspeaking and the whole nine yards. My mirror neurons did a great job showing me the danger in the environment, the danger of toxicity, of racism, but I also took a part in it by allowing myself to believe that opinion.
Speaker 1:What your mature, evolved self will do in situations like this is that it will notice that your primitive mind is telling you something. Thank your primitive mind and say I appreciate this information and I accept your warning and I'm here to give a mind-blowing presentation. I'm here to blow them right out of their chairs. I'm going to focus on my acquired talent, my skill, my preparation. I'm going to focus on my acquired talent, my skill, my preparation. I'm going to focus on my confidence. My focus is my right to exist in spaces like this, just as they have a right to exist, and I'm going to take up major space in this room because I was given this opportunity and I'm going to seize it. If I am to believe the current culture, when I step into that meeting room and escape the toxic energy, then I might have missed a lot of opportunity, a lot of chances at progress, at success. But since I'm able to talk to my primitive brain, like a child and a toddler that it is, I'm able to keep it feeling safe. I will not internalize the racism. And this outcome is only possible when I've worked on my own healing, when I've fortified my mind. And this is exactly what I'm inviting you guys to create in your life.
Speaker 1:If somebody you look up to doubts your ability of success, their doubt does not jump from their body into yours. If they're vibrating at a frequency of doubt, their thoughts that you can't do what you say you want to do. They say that you're all about words but not about actions. If these are their doubts about your ability, this vibrational frequency does not transfer into you without going through your filter. This energy is what you receive through your receptacle, through your device that is the nervous system. This negative frequency is something that you're accepting, consciously or subconsciously. If you're accepting it subconsciously, then all you have to do is bring it to your conscious awareness and reject that message. This is your workout at the gym. This is you evolving yourself above your most primitive gym. This is you evolving yourself above your most primitive design. This is you evolving yourself above other people's opinions about you, and it doesn't matter if they're positive or negative opinions. And all of this is so.
Speaker 1:You're not always just escaping the situation. As a child, you were born with the most basic bias the survival mechanism. This is when you start to assign authority of your emotions to your caretakers In adulthood. If you haven't parented yourself, then it starts to look like you are assigning your emotions to your spouse or your mentors or any other person that you look up to. This is just an error on the primal brain part, where it equates survivability with belonging and it fuses the relationship. Your survivability as a child depended on you attaching yourself to an adult. Primal brain in those instances says whatever they feel about me is the universal truth. So if a parent had a doubt in your ability, then you will internalize it as if it was your own. And when you grow up and you create a deep sense of belonging with your spouse or with your immediate family, with your friends, and one of them feels judgment or resentment or doubt towards you, then your primal brain that is unpolished, that is untrained, will accept that subconscious state and it will translate it into your own reality. Because to this primitive brain it means that you can't belong unless you accept their opinion and, by extension, it's making it mean that you can't survive when, as an adult, that's actually not true.
Speaker 1:There are many ways where your nervous system seems to passively accept other people's toxic vibrational frequencies. But in all of this, the best news is that your nervous system is always involved, it is always the recipient, it is always the conduit of translating that toxicity. And the reason I'm emphasizing this point over and over again is because there are a lot of people around you that will talk about escaping toxic situations, cutting off toxic people from your life. And while, like I said, that is a legitimate strategy, I don't want you to think that that is the only strategy, because it is also a valid strategy that sometimes you would want to bring your own thoughts and beliefs into light. You would want to question why have I believed their opinion about me? What have I allowed to go undetected under my radar? Which of their opinions have I been accidentally believing and internalizing? You would want to ask where have I fallen into the trap of accepting toxicity into my life?
Speaker 1:And when you bring all of this into awareness, that's when you actually heal yourself. That is your weight in the gym. You become stronger, you become more resilient, you become more powerful, you become more confident in your existence. And that is when every other toxicity around you starts to just melt away. It starts to lose all of its charge. People that are unhealthy for your mind and your body just don't engage with you anymore. You heal the patterns of your primitive brains, the blatant lies that it has been telling you about yourself. Without doing this, it doesn't matter how many toxic people or situations you escape If you don't teach your brain how to take care of this dynamic, if you don't skillfully direct your brain to accept and reject what serves you, what belief is healthy for you and what is not, then you will escape one toxic situation just to find yourself in another because the unrefined mind is following you around wherever you go.
Speaker 1:You will say to yourself I believe in energetics, so I'm going to remove this person's energy from my life. And sure again, please, by all means, I believe in energetics. I remove myself from toxic situations all the time, but not before I've outlined what part of my brain is translating the situation for me, not before I've isolated what I have to do work on. I never avoid toxic situations or people as an easy escape tactic. If you do find yourself escaping, just be careful and question that it is not your unwillingness to do the hard work of taking control of your energy. Make sure you're not avoiding other people because they affect yours without you ever actively participating in your life.
Speaker 1:There are good and bad uses of mirror neurons. Being a victim of social and emotional contagion and accepting a low opinion about yourself from others this is a bad use of mirror neurons. And then being told to leave the situation over and over again by the culture at large, that becomes an even worse tactic. Mirror neurons are an incredible tool. When your husband comes home from work in a bad mood, muttering under his breath about all of the things, next thing you know you're slamming kitchen drawers and in that moment, if your friend texts how's your day going, you're going to be like ugh. I don't even know. I was in such a good mood, but then my husband came home and everything went south after that. That's the emotional contagion at its best. His bad mood became yours, even though it had nothing to do with you. But the secret that no one has ever told you is that you can override this, just like how you turn the TV off when a show that you don't like comes on, you can consciously decide not to engage with what your mirror neurons are telling you.
Speaker 1:When you notice yourself getting caught up in somebody else's drama or bad mood, take a breath and just ask yourself is this really mine? If not, then let it go. You don't need to carry the emotional baggage that someone else packed. You don't need to adopt someone else's bad day just because you have a brain with a default setting. Don't forget that you also have an evolved brain that can override this default setting.
Speaker 1:Not everyone is attuned to experiencing frequencies and energies from other people, but the people that are attuned to them. This is your work. I invite you to do this work, where I make things easy for you, you take charge quickly and you're not left trying to figure it all out by yourself with trial and error, which, of course, is one way of doing it, but it just takes longer. Get coached and it will become a lot easier and faster, and the change you see is going to be worth way more than any of your investment. I promise you that, inshallah.
Speaker 1:With that, I pray to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. O Allah, the Lord of peace and serenity, guide me and all of us in protecting ourselves from the negative energies that surround us. Help me and all of us be aware of toxic environments and people in our lives. O Allah, give us the wisdom to recognize when our inner world needs attention. Grant me strength to guide my heart and mind, not just by escaping toxicity, but by understanding my own triggers and healing my wounds that allow me to heal deeply. O Allah, help me become resilient so that I do not internalize the doubts of others. Ya Allah, allow my mind and my heart to shield what does not serve me. Let my thoughts and actions be guided by love, confidence and self-assurance. Empower me and all of us to see beyond the surface, to rise above toxicity and to hold steadfast in my peace, also keeping us steadfast in our deen. Ameen ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.