Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Mastering Change in Others
What if you could inspire transformation in your loved ones simply by understanding the science of empathy?
Join me as I explore the fascinating world of mirror neurons. Discover how these tiny brain cells play a huge role in your ability subtly change behaviors in others in ways you may never have considered.
As usual, I provide evidence grounded in Islamic teachings.
Mastering the skill of creating change in others is about the delicate art of supporting others' growth by visualizing them as the best version of themselves.
I give you a simple step-wise approach
We then shift gears to discuss the power of positive reinforcement in nurturing change. Consider the profound shift when you let go of emotional baggage, reinforcing small victories, and connecting thei identity to positive changes, all while ensuring personal safety and relationship worthiness.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:A recent anonymous post reminded me how much we want to create change in people from a place of love and respect. When you see your loved ones being their own worst enemy, you can't help but wish really hard that they would just change. But you can't change somebody against their will. You can't even change somebody with their consent. You don't create their change. Change always comes from their own thoughts and experiences. Let's say your husband finally agrees to go to couples therapy. The therapist doesn't create the change your husband does. Or maybe your child needs an intervention. You think the intervention is what created the change, but really it just made it easier for the kid to create the change for themselves from their own nervous system.
Speaker 1:I'm bringing this super delicate distinction into mind because whenever you ask a professional for advice on how to help change your child, your husband or that one family member, you know who I'm talking about. All the professionals tell you the same thing you can't change anyone. Every professional will say you cannot change somebody else, and they are absolutely right. But and there's always a but most modern psychology, psychiatry and psychotherapy trainings don't really take the subconscious mind into consideration. Now, I'm not trying to downplay a psychiatrist or psychologist's training, so take this next part with a grain of salt and reflect on how much of this you've heard before. Chances are you haven't.
Speaker 1:You cannot change people, but you can influence them towards a better version of themselves thanks to something called mirror neurons, types of neurons in a human that replicate the outside world into the inside world without your awareness. It's the whole monkey see, monkey do thing. When children mimic their parent through a process of parental mimicry, they engage in behaviors, gestures and speech patterns through mimicking a function of mirror neurons. This is a part of social learning theory, where people learn within a social context, primarily through observation and imitation. This process is what shapes much of a child's development and socialization. Or let's take, for example, when someone yawns and you catch it, this is also thanks to your mirror neurons. Part of your subconscious mind is constantly scanning the environment, picking up on all sorts of things, and your conscious nervous system doesn't even get the memo. Or another example is of emotional contagion, when you pick up on someone else's emotions and vibes and decide whether a situation feels toxic or healthy without really knowing why, without ever being able to give it language or words. That's your subconscious mind at work, and these mirror neurons are the primary method of how you can influence change in your husband or anybody else really. Mirror neurons get activated both when you perform an action and when you observe somebody else performing the same action. These neurons were first discovered in the 1990s by a team of Italian researchers and they're considered a landmark discovery in neuroscience. The primary function of mirror neurons includes empathy, understanding and learning through imitation, which is what babies do really well without having knowledge of language. If you pretend to cry, they start crying. This is the social and emotional contagion, which is the ability to understand actions and intentions of others before having conscious awareness of it, which is why groupthink is a powerful force. People that crowd together start to think the same.
Speaker 1:Now let me give you some more mind-boggling examples, but this time from the Quran and Hadith Surah An-Na'm 6, ayah 108. Do not insult what they invoke besides Allah, or they will insult Allah out of ignorance. Let's say you're in a heated debate with someone and you're focused on proving your point and to an extent that you start mocking what they believe in, you might think this is harmless or even justified. But what happens next? Out of anger or defensiveness, they also lash out and insult what you hold sacred. This cycle of back and forth insults can spiral and, instead of bringing clarity and understanding, now you've widened the gap between the two of you.
Speaker 1:This is exactly what this ayah from Surah Al-Narm is warning us against. This is because of mirror neurons, part of your brain, that cause you to reflect what you see that other people are doing. When you smile at someone, they instinctively smile back. But the same is true for anger and insult. If you attack what they hold dear, their brain will mirror that insult and they will retaliate back by attacking what you cherish. This ayah is teaching you a powerful psychological truth. By attacking what you cherish, this ayah is teaching you a powerful psychological truth If you're out to share your beliefs, you just have to remember that how you communicate them matters. The moment you start disrespecting the beliefs of others, they will mirror the disrespect towards you and your faith. Again, the basic monkey. See. Monkey do philosophy, and I'm not calling humans monkeys. I'm saying that the role of mirror neurons is extremely primal, very animalistic, very, very simple and rudimentary. As a part of the subconscious mind, these mirror neurons are working to do their job under your awareness. In this sense, I think this phrase is very appropriate.
Speaker 1:Another example comes from a hadith. The Messenger of Allah said Verily, among the major sins is that a man curses his own parents. It was said, o messenger of Allah, how can a man curse his own parents? The Prophet said he insults the father of another man and then that man insults his father and his mother. Reported Sahih Hadith, bukhari and Muslim.
Speaker 1:I took a Fiqh course with Sheikh Abdul Nasir Janga and he was teaching this Hadith in the context of Fiqh. I'm going to tell you how he described this Hadith and how I make the connection related to mirror neurons. The Hadith is basically saying don't curse your own fathers. Well, the companion said who would curse their own mother and father? And the Prophet peace be upon him said if you get into a confrontation or conflict with somebody and it escalates and you start to curse their father, then he's going to turn around and do the same. If you can connect the dots, if you can stop and pause for a moment and use logic, you will see that you started the chain reaction. So you cursed your own father. This was the Sheikh's explanation, but basically you were the originator of the hate that propagated into cursing your own father and mother. So how does that happen? That's the social contagion, mirror neurons, most basic animalistic response of a human being. Okay, enough about that. How do we actually use this social contagion to your benefit? How is this related to you influencing the type of change in people that you want to see? How are you going to use this powerful force in your favor?
Speaker 1:You use this design to help influence change in people that you deem important in your life. Let's say you want your son to go to the mosque more. You want your daughter to not shape her looks based on peer pressure. You want your husband to take out the garbage without leaving a streak of garbage juice trailing behind him every time he takes it out, or something that comes up very often. How do I get my husband help? He is unwilling to go to therapy or doctors. I know of so many resources, but he just does not want change.
Speaker 1:First, a gentle reminder you have to make the call that your relationship with your husband is worth saving, you have to decide to stay in the marriage. This is the absolute first step. If he's cheating, there's emotional blackmail, financial abuse or physical violence and those might be your hard boundaries then you need to come to a conclusion, to keep yourself safe and leave. Those are not the types of situations that I'm asking you to influence change in. First, you have to make sure you're safe and you've decided that your relationship and your marriage is worth saving, and then you get to work on influencing change in the husband through the method I'll describe. And, of course, this method is used to influence change in other people as well Friends, family, co-workers. Random guy in aisle 5 doing groceries but oblivious to his surroundings and blocking the whole aisle up. You can use this to influence change in anyone, but you might not want to influence change in a guy at the grocery store. You might want to conserve your energy there, but I digress Making a conscious decision on who you want to focus your attention and efforts towards and then follow this method.
Speaker 1:Going back to the marriage example, once you've decided it's salvageable, you will have to do the work of dropping all of the baggage you're carrying about him and your relationship, and that is much easier said than done. That's the tough work of your mental state as it is around him or about him. You will have to elevate it to the highest level before this method will work. If you can't do this, you won't be able to influence their change because deep down you'll still be envisioning him as a person who hurt you or who let you down, and your nervous system is going to send those vibes right to their mirror neurons, reinforcing their limitations over and over again. You won't see a change. You'll end up being frustrated, thinking I've tried everything and nothing works. But if you're able to envision him as the version you want him to be, with a certain consistency and you continue to believe it in your body, then you want him to be with a certain consistency and you continue to believe it in your body. Then you can speak to that future version of them. That's where my coaching program is so powerful, because we work together to create a version of you who can see this process through and with coaching it is much easier than doing it alone or even through this podcast. You will have an intellectual understanding, but practically speaking, this method might fail, because you might try it and implement it once or twice, but then give up after that. This is not to underestimate your capacity to create change or to underestimate intellectual change. I love having deep understanding of things, which is why I have this podcast, but practical change is much easier with coaching, walking through the steps with somebody who knows the process.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I'm going to break it down to basic steps. Number one you envision the change you want to see in them. Start with small change first. Number two you believe in your body that they're working towards that goal. Number three you talk to them as if they're working towards that goal. So the first three steps are basically my usual algorithm that I teach you guys, which is thoughts, feelings, actions in order, pretty much the same steps that I've taught you guys to implement anywhere else. Then the next step, number four, is that you reinforce and celebrate every time there's even a small hint of progress. And number five you make it about their identity. So this is how it's going to look, and I'm going to give you a rather uncharged, almost seemingly trivial example. You want him to take the garbage out twice a week, but the best he's done today is hanging up his towel after his shower. This is how the steps will apply. Number one envisioning him consistently taking out the garbage in both your mind and body, and when you see him hanging up the towel, you mentally enlarge that action, seeing it as the first step in a larger habit of cleanliness, organization and persistence in his actions.
Speaker 1:2. You embody the belief that he's progressing. Based on whatever small evidence that you see in front of you, in your own body, you feel the change, like it's already happening. You act as if the transformation is in motion, holding space for that positive growth in your body, language and tone. Number three you speak to him as if he is already embodying the change, rather than nagging or pushing which, thanks to mirror neuron, they will get replicated if you do choose to nag and push out of frustration but instead you simply affirm their effort, no matter how small. I loved seeing the towel hung up, just small words of affirmation like that, acknowledging their progress as if they're already on their way to success. Number four you reinforce and exaggerate every step of the progress, celebrate the small steps.
Speaker 1:Every time he does something that is even remotely aligned with the desired behavior, you point it out and you celebrate, amplifying the change in your mind and his. You can say things like I'm noticing how you're starting to get things done more and more. Magnify the behavior in a positive light. Number five you identify them with their best self. You make it about who they're becoming, tying their identity to these positive habits. You can say things like I'm seeing that you're someone who takes care of things. You're becoming someone who's more organized. This is subtly reshaping how they see themselves, and it will encourage them to do more of the same.
Speaker 1:Okay, so now let me get some objections out of the way. This approach isn't manipulation. It's harnessing the power of mirror neurons and social influence to bring out the best in people. By showing belief in their potential and celebrating their progress, you're guiding their subconscious to lean into that part of their identity. It's about being an active participant in their growth. Just as you are influenced by the habits of those around you, you are becoming a mirror of his best habits, so he can then reflect them back to you.
Speaker 1:And then some might say that it seems you're enabling toddler behavior. You might even say I don't condone this, I can't take responsibility for his change. I'm not his mother. He's an adult. He can do this himself. He should know better by now. Now, if he knew by now and was doing what he should be doing, we wouldn't be having this conversation now, would we? And you are totally welcome to stay exactly where you are. You don't have to listen to anything I'm saying, but I gave a very trivial example to get your gears turning. Only Garbage not being taken out at the same time in a certain way does not harm anyone. But this is just a stepping stone towards a bigger change, helping your loved ones create an identity of a person that they themselves can be proud of, and this goes beyond any benefit that you will gain from this change. This will improve their whole life.
Speaker 1:It is much bigger than fixing a toddler-like behavior. If you think it's manipulation, you can share the whole process with him. It's not fake or shallow like manipulation, because you're believing the best version of them before they can even believe it themselves, and that's something that they couldn't even do for themselves. This process is precious. It's sacred Because it requires work. It requires your energy. That's why I started with a very strong disclaimer that this can only be applied to people that you actually care about, which is why this is a gift that you reserve for people you truly love.
Speaker 1:And the other objection that I usually get, which has to do with insulting a man's intelligence. But it has nothing to do with that. If you think you're insulting his intelligence, then you haven't completed the very first step, which is that you haven't started thinking of him in his highest possibility. If you think it sounds like you're treating your husband as a toddler, or that he should know this or he needs to be smarter than this, then you are still in judgment of him, you haven't successfully dropped your story, and then, of course, this approach will not work, which is fine, it's not for everyone. But then also don't say that this approach doesn't work. You can just choose to say that this is not for me. But I did also tell you guys that this approach is then replicated for serious issues like selfish, self-sabotaging or unhealthy behavior that hurts the marriage.
Speaker 1:What's fascinating to me is that you can totally allow yourself to be neurosynced to somebody else's level who is more evolved, more successful than you. I personally allow myself to get mirror-neuroned into all kinds of good habits and I consciously allow that. I allow myself to sync with the group when my company and my sohba passes the vibe check. I allow myself to ride this wave of neural looping that my subconscious mind creates and hooks itself into the positive, and I'm here for all of it. This is an extremely effective neural hack because it's an excellent use of your subconscious mind that has made social contagion so easy and so effortless, so why not use it in your favor? When you're doing this for the people that you love, you're shifting your narrative about them and you're inviting them to do the same.
Speaker 1:Mirror neurons are a tool. They are used for both good and bad. Influencing change in another human being based on your highest, most loving and respectful intentions is the best use of mirror neurons. Again, this is much easier said than done, because the first conscious thought after the first setback when you start applying this method will be back to anger, hate or frustration, which is most likely. Whatever I'm teaching, you will fail. So please get coaching. Your mind will probably start out with he's the most disorganized person alive, a walking chaos factory. He never listens, unless I'm on his case 24-7.
Speaker 1:If you use this method with coaching, you will walk the path of envisioning him as the best version of himself. That itself will repair your relationship, even if everything else fails, because Allah created every human being in the pure light of soul. That light of the pure soul just gets veiled through the effects of the world. So why not be the first one to see him beyond his misgivings? Why not you be the first one to unveil that light? That's more love that you're giving him, that they are able to give themselves. This is the highest level of relationship there is.
Speaker 1:I, alhamdulillah, have such utter and complete belief in my clients that they will cause their success and it is because of this complete belief that it radiates out of me. I have such love and acceptance and honor for my clients and when you're my client it creates a very strong emotional contagion and your mirror neurons do the rest of the work of your change. I do not cause your change, I just facilitate it by believing what you're truly capable of, and you're capable of a lot. If you're doing this method yourself, you will have to at least be, at the very minimum, be in neutrality about the people you're trying to influence change in. If I had a dollar for every time, I was asked the question husband doesn't want coaching, doesn't want therapy, doesn't take care of his health, is into bad habits how can I change that? If I had a dollar for every time I was asked that question. I would have a lot of dollars, but now you know where to start.
Speaker 1:You have to remember that every natural law is Allah's creation. The complex design of human behavior based on mirror neurons is a natural law. How you use it to help yourself and others is up to you. Change always comes from within them. Your role is to prime your subconscious mind for the best possible outcome, and the emotional contagion of their mind will follow suit. When you see them as their improved, potential-filled self, you're subtly influencing their mind to believe in a version of themselves that they may not have thought was ever possible. You're not creating something new. You're simply revealing what was already there, inviting them to meet you at a higher level, and the most fascinating and beautiful thing is that most people will gladly rise to that occasion because they love who they become around you, Because around you, they become someone who no longer lets their insecurity or self-doubt limit their possibilities. By you doing the work of seeing their best potential, you show them a clear path forward, and no one walks away from a chance of becoming a better version of themselves, especially if it's made so easy for them.
Speaker 1:You never cause anyone's change. If that was possible, you would be held responsible for their actions on the day of judgment. If that was possible, you would be held responsible for their actions on the day of judgment. You can only influence change, and that is a conscious responsibility that you take on for certain special people in your life. If you're doing that work and change still doesn't happen, then you can at least say that I tried my best. And the best part is this process feels so good in your body. Because what's not to enjoy? Because your only primary responsibility in this process is to hold them in the light of compassion, gratitude, admiration, affection, empathy, kindness, warmth, devotion, appreciation, fondness, reverence, caring, loyalty, and all of that feels awesome, awesome. They get to evolve as a human and you get to feel good. It's a win-win-win situation.
Speaker 1:With that, I pray to allah, subhanahu ta'ala. Ya allah, guide me to see the best in those I love. Help me envision their highest potential and grant me the wisdom to nurture within them that is, love, patient and kind. Remove the veils of doubt and insecurity from their hearts and allow them to see themselves as you created them full of beauty, strength and goodness. Ya Rab, let my words and actions. Be a light that inspires growth. Fill our hearts with compassion so we can all walk together in the path of becoming our best selves, always striving for your pleasure alone. Ameen Ya Rabbul Aalameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.