Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Autonomous Women
Autonomous means having the freedom to govern yourself. But as Muslim women we are very self critical at the outcomes of our decisions. This self criticism eats away at our autonomy.
Can autonomy lead to true success with all the societal and familial pressures? Discover how practicing self-trust and kindness will transform your decision-making process, especially for Muslim women navigating complex life choices.
In this enlightening episode, we explore the power of autonomy, emphasizing its importance in balancing personal goals with family expectations. From managing family responsibilities to contemplating new business ventures, learn practical insights on navigating your choices with confidence and compassion
Is your self sacrifice for the benefit of others an autonomous decision?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Asar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:I come across many instances in my practice where women ask questions that might otherwise seem like common sense to an outsider. Questions like my mom is sick, is it okay if I travel for my studies? Or I have kids and I haven't been able to start a business. Can you give me some advice? Is it okay to avoid a backbiting colleague at work? How do I find the best sleep schedule for myself? Biting colleague at work, how do I find the best sleep schedule for myself?
Speaker 1:When you're facing a problem like this, the brain only presents the problem, which is why, for an outsider, it's easy to give advice to any of the above questions, because their brain is not in the problem. Questions like should I take my board exams before or after getting married? Somebody in the healthcare field will be so quick to answer this based on their experience. They will say get married so that you can take the board exam while you have your husband's support and you're not so distracted by the wedding shenanigans. Somebody else might say take the board exams, get over with it so you can enjoy the wedding. And who's right? So you can enjoy the wedding. And who's right? Both of them, or maybe no one. Who knows? Who can advise on what's the best sleep schedule for you? No one can. Only you have that information. Or people will advise you to avoid the difficult colleague. Others will tell you make friends with them because you want to empathize with them. They're most likely alone and suffering from their own problems. Maybe they tell you that your difficult colleague is being difficult because they want to make friends and they'll be friends with you once you're kind to them. Who is right in this case? Again, both of them, or maybe neither one of them. But who knows? The best answer depends on you, because that's the best answer for you.
Speaker 1:But the purpose of my entire life, and the purpose of this podcast, by extension, is for you to find your answers, and nothing wrong with asking these questions. But have you given up your autonomy? Have you given up your ability to be able to make your own decisions when you're asking these questions? Have you given up on your ability to trust yourself when it comes to making these decisions? Let's say you want to open an online business, but you're stalking endless Reddit threads, asking questions in different Facebook groups, following at least 30 Instagram business influencers, but you are yet to see success in your business. That's because somebody else's answer to your question is not going to be your answer unless you learn to accept it with your own autonomy.
Speaker 1:Autonomy is a way of self-respect where, no matter what decision you make, you respect yourself for it. No matter if the decision you make is because of somebody else's advice or because of your own thoughts and ideas. You simply have your back when you see the results of that decision come through, or you see the lack of results, or you see that the results are opposite of what you expected. The question is will you have your back when that happens? Will you talk to yourself kindly? Will you allow yourself mistakes that other human beings make as well? Or you will tell yourself see, I knew it, I knew I couldn't do it.
Speaker 1:When, as a Muslim woman, you are stuck in a cycle of asking basic questions, answers to which seem like common sense to an outsider, that's because you're doing exactly the opposite of having your back. That's because you're not talking to yourself kindly at the outcome of your decisions and eventually that badgering self-talk leads you to be very scared to make your own decisions or any decisions. Because if you are to make your own decision, then you're locking yourself into an outcome and the only way your brain knows how to deal with that is with negative self-talk, and that becomes very painful. So the brain avoids decision making at all cost and then you don't decide. Instead, you just keep asking questions. Give yourself permission to be gentle to yourself. Allow yourself the courtesy of making human mistakes and I made myself this promise a long time ago I will not hurt myself with my own language. Sometimes that hurtful self-talk goes under my radar and then I'm confused as to why I'm feeling bad, but most of the time I can catch it because of this promise that I made to myself.
Speaker 1:If you're waiting for permission from your husband to spend your money, that's because you've never learned to decide how to spend it yourself. You've always thought to yourself this is the wrong use of my money. Whenever I decide to spend my money, the outcome is wrong. Whatever you choose to do with the money that you earn, you've told yourself I don't know what I'm doing. This is not the right way. There's probably a better something else that I can spend it on. I should just save it, and on and on it goes. Then it becomes nearly impossible for you, as a Muslim woman with this level of mental dialogue, to spend your money confidently on anything, especially on yourself, because you can very easily justify spending your money on your children, your family, sending it back home. But if your nervous system gets dysregulated every time you think about spending it on yourself, then you're definitely not practicing autonomy. Autonomy is making informed decisions and not talking smack to yourself after for having made that decision. In Islam, by the way, you don't have to share your money with your husband. It's considered generosity if you do.
Speaker 1:Most women currently undergo societal programming that interweaves a woman's identity with her male family member, either a father, husband, brother, son. She never learns to practice autonomy because all of her life, all of her decisions, go through the filter of another family member. And then there's this factor of fear of abandonment as little children. One tactic of control that a parent might have used is withholding love, and that might be because of their own trauma upbringing. And that looks like if you don't comply, if you don't follow the rules, if you don't listen to the adult. A very common method of discipline is withholding love, and there's nothing more painful to a growing child's nervous system than the lack of love. Majority of a child's nervous system is dedicated to survival through attachment, and when an adult withholds love or outright punishes the child will take it as a threat to her existence, even though her life might never actually be in danger. But to her the nervous system says you're going to die if you don't comply. So then, starting very early, any notion of autonomy becomes very scary, which then turns a woman into not being able to make her own decisions for the rest of her life.
Speaker 1:Through this explanation, fear of abandonment seems life-threatening to your subconscious. The mind and your nervous system get dysregulated at the mere thought of filtering down to making one decision and practicing autonomy becomes remote. Then, of course, you're not going to do it. You're going to be asking endless questions and it makes complete sense that you've been in indecision. The treatment of that is you start to trust yourself. You start to trust yourself with small goals For your birthday. If you had a travel goal. Start with trusting yourself that you're okay for having that dream. Allow yourself just to envision where you'd like to be with clarity and allow yourself the permission of having this dream and having decided that you'll fulfill it one day, inshallah. Trusting yourself with small, otherwise ordinary decisions is the very first step, because otherwise your brain will start to truncate your decisions before they even start to become reality. Expand your nervous system's capacity to make autonomous decisions by creating safety and belonging for yourself.
Speaker 1:Make small decisions for yourself by yourself, and it needs to start small. It could be as small as you deciding to take the bathroom break right when you need it, rather than having to wait two hours after doing this, that and the other. Take a small decision into your own hands, like wearing sandals instead of sneakers because it's hot outside and your toes sweat and celebrate yourself for that small decision. Acknowledge it to yourself, recognize it. Don't think that these decisions are inconsequential. You are taking an active participation in your life. You are actively deciding. Start noticing these small decisions and give yourself a proverbial tap on your back for having made them. Celebrate small autonomy first, meaning you've made a decision and you didn't allow any self-critical talk about the result of that decision self-critical talk about the result of that decision and then it will naturally happen that you'll start to expand your decision-making capacity towards something that you initially thought you could not decide on your own, like if you wanted to take swimming lessons, but you always thought it's money away from the kids. Now you can start to think I can decide to take these lessons and honor that decision because it's for me, or maybe you get groceries delivered instead of doing your grocery haul.
Speaker 1:Towards the expansion of this decision-making capacity, you will have the next natural question arise, which is I can't take major financial decisions because we make decisions mutually, as a couple or as a family, and I'm never going to ask you to disregard the aspect of your relationship where you make your family decisions together. I'm just asking that you don't disregard yourself completely in the process. What mutual decision making looks like while you're sharing that responsibility with other family members, especially with your spouse? Is you undermining your opinion so far? You disregarding yourself because of somebody else, because they said no, or just because they don't understand your point of view, or they don't understand where you're coming from or what your preferences are? So if you're in a position where the final conduction of that decision is going to be after a mutual agreement with somebody else, that is perfectly fine. I respect that for you. I personally don't make any major financial decisions without my husband being on board.
Speaker 1:But what I'm warning you against is if that decision making is happening after you've completely disregarded yourself during the process, you're compromising because deep down inside you don't believe what you want matters, then I'm sorry you're not making a mutual decision. You're just disregarding yourself and calling it mutual. Are you improvising because you agree with someone else's input and you're more than happy to be flexible on your vision, because the combined version of your decision gives you something more than what you originally thought was possible, or it gives you something different than what you originally thought, and in that case maybe the outcome is beneficial for everyone, or even more. Or are you improvising because you'll hate yourself for making a decision, especially if you had an unwanted outcome and it was your idea all along? Then you'll end up feeling horrible about it.
Speaker 1:This is where I'm trying to create a gap in your nervous system, a safety for yourself. You will only feel horrible if you engage in negative self-talk. That's why I'm emphasizing for you to practice autonomy. It's foundationally based on self-love and self-acceptance. I want you to start creating your own safety with your decisions. Be confident and don't allow for any room of negative self-criticism. Then, and only then, you're allowed to enter a negotiation and shared decision-making.
Speaker 1:Because if you're not coming from that place of confidence in your own needs and your ability to have your back, then all of your vision is going to be washed away in the process of shared decisions and your brain is going to justify it by calling it compromise. Your brain is going to justify it by telling you that you're taking the higher road to keep the peace, to keep the connection, to keep the relationship intact. That goes back to the fear of abandonment, which creates an enmeshed nervous system with the people around you. Maybe it's your husband's nervous system and you can't see him upset, because every time he gets upset, you get upset and you don't want him to get upset. If you're coming from this energy and you compromise by saying that he's the leader of the house, I want to visit my family for two weeks, but he's only allowing me to visit for two days, he knows what's best.
Speaker 1:In the background, resentment's going to be brewing and then you're going to need to revisit your confidence in your decision. You're going to need to separate yourself from your husband's emotions or other language in your head, like if I don't pass my exam, if I don't get into this college, I'm going to disappoint my father. I don't want my kids to misbehave because I don't want my mother to blame me for not being more strict. You, as a human being, don't create anybody else's emotions. You don't create your husband's upset. You don't create your father's disappointment. You don't create your mother's anger. If you've so far believed that that's the case, that's enmeshment. This is you not being able to separate yourself from other people's emotions, and this is very tolling on your mental health. And this is a direct result of fear of abandonment as a child. So now you don't make decisions for your happiness if it goes even a little bit against the grain Like this. Your fear of abandonment will eat away at your autonomy. Create safety for yourself when you feel anxious in your relationships. This is the only way to practice autonomy with respect and love for the people around you.
Speaker 1:Let me give you a generic example from a client. My parents are divorced. My father gives me valuable career advice, but I'm afraid he's going to get married again and forget about me. He told me I need to take this exam in order to be successful in my career, so I'm slaving away, studying 7-8 hours a day. Should I study that much? Now see how profound this question sounds when I give you the context. Should I I study that much? Now see how profound this question sounds when I give you the context. Should I really study that much? I have no clue. Yes, maybe you should or maybe you shouldn't, who knows? Even if you ask a professor and he says, yes, that's the right amount or no, that's too much, the answer does not. Let you practice your autonomy as an independent decision maker. Your fear of abandonment from your father will eat away at your autonomy. The answer is not yes, you should study eight hours. The answer is you decide how much you want to study and have your back.
Speaker 1:When I talk about autonomy, I'm not talking about toxic individuality where nobody else's opinion matters but yourself. I'm talking about a sacred autonomy that Allah gave you. Once you practice that, you'll be able to engage at a higher level with yourself. Engage in other communal relationships, and you'll be able to engage at a higher level with yourself. Engage in other communal relationships and you'll be able to create deep, meaningful connections with your family, intimacy with your husband, respect from your colleagues and other acquaintances, and respect and love for your parents, the community and the ummah in general. So the choice is really yours. Is it going to continue to be enmeshed and self-sacrificing or is going to become more independent, loving and autonomous?
Speaker 1:By the way, you can choose self-sacrifice from autonomy. If you're wanting to eat your favorite meal at a restaurant during a trip, you can choose to sacrifice your priority because it's out of the way and kids are tired and everyone is hungry and cranky. You can make this decision from autonomy by believing that you're not less than any other individual of the family, but because you're doing it for the love and comfort of the family. You see the difference. I'm going to choose this university instead of that, because my father really wishes that I stay close to home. You are an important human being, worthy as anyone else. Just like your father, you have the autonomy to decide whatever, but you're deciding to choose your father's and your mother's wishes and, after all, you tell yourself that it's not going to be that bad. So this level of self-sacrificing autonomy is a lot easier to practice because, again, of the societal programming which praises a woman for being a better person and being self-sacrificing. Again, no judgment if you're choosing that.
Speaker 1:I choose self-sacrifice to that level. Very frequently, where you need work is I really want to eat at a restaurant that's 45 minutes away, but kids are tired. But I'm an important, autonomous member of this family. My likes and dislikes matter, so I'm going to emphasize that we eat there. Kids can sleep in the car. I will incentivize them with extra dessert and we're going to emphasize that we eat there. Kids can sleep in the car. I will incentivize them with extra dessert and we're going to eat halal Mexican or it can look like.
Speaker 1:I've always dreamed about going to that one school. I have worked so hard for it. I'm not going to disregard my priority. The decision I have come to with much deliberation is that I'm going to choose an out-of-state college or a culinary school of arts over med school or whatever you chose. This level of autonomy is much harder to put into practice because now the whole social programming is going against you what you decided as a woman. The aunties, the cousins, they're all going to be talking about how you did this to your family.
Speaker 1:This is where creating safety for your nervous system is really, really important. This is where learning that your actions do not create your parents' disappointment is really important. This is where the concept of birul walidain is really important, because here is where you get to practice unconditional love for your parents, despite of their opinions about you and your decisions and your education. This is where you prioritize supporting them other ways, in ways that you probably wouldn't think of before, because you were so afraid of disappointing them. Maybe you can send them money. Maybe they can move with you. Maybe they can practice living without you. Maybe you FaceTime every day for an hour while doing your work to keep them calm and assured. If your autonomous decision goes against social norms, you will have to work to create your safety for yourself. Then you'll be able to come up with the answers that you're looking for everywhere else.
Speaker 1:If you decide to attend the School of Culinary Arts out of state and your parents are upset you did not cause their upset. Their nervous systems cause their upset, but you do understand where they're coming from and you respect and love their point of view and you want to continue to show them support, create loving self-talk for your decision and then find ways to support them. And this was just one example. You can copy and paste to your real life as you like, but the concepts are pretty much the same. So I'm going to go back to the questions I posed in the beginning of the podcast. Is it okay if I have to travel for my studies? Even my mom is sick, I have kids and I haven't been able to start a business. Can you give me some advice? Is it okay to avoid the backbiting colleague? How do I find my best sleeping schedule? I don't know. Nobody else knows either. They will claim they will know, they will claim they're the experts and they will give you advice on your life. But you only get to accept that advice if you're practicing autonomy.
Speaker 1:Practicing autonomy with an Islamic perspective is a win-win-win situation. You practice your free will because Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala gave it to you, and you practice love for yourself and everyone around you. With that, I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. O Allah, grant me the strength to trust the wisdom you have placed within me. O Allah, grant me the strength to trust the wisdom you have placed within me. Help me to make decisions with confidence and to stand by them with grace. Guide me in honoring the autonomy you've blessed me with, and let my choices reflect both my love for myself and respect for everyone around me. Shield me from self-doubt, empower me to to speak kindly and keep me humble in front of you. May Allah keep us all in his mercy. Please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.