Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Proving Behavior
Can non-verbal cues shape your true identity? It can through "proving behavior", a concept of how actions often speak louder than words.
In this episode we talk about the subtle yet powerful ways our insecurities and self-doubt manifest through overt displays of qualities we wish to embody.
You'll discover how genuine strength, kindness, and confidence don't demand validation from others but are instead naturally radiated through humility and self-assurance.
Through real-life examples and deep insights, learn how to recognize and shift away from proving behaviors, allowing your true inner qualities to shine through effortlessly.
By the end of this episode, you will understand how to transform your non-verbal communication to reflect authenticity, leading to a more successful and fulfilling life.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to be talking about a concept that I named proving behavior. Proving behavior is a part of your non-verbal language and you are communicating more with your non-verbal language at any given moment than you're communicating with your words. My coach said there are millions of bits of information that are leaking outside of you at all times. That is your non-verbal language. With this, what message are you sending to people? If you're trying to prove something in your actions, something that you desperately want, it will show up as desperate in your nonverbal language. Again, for the sake of coaching in this podcast, I've named that concept proving behavior Like you have something to prove that concept proving behavior like you have something to prove.
Speaker 1:If you want to prove to other people that you're strong, you will engage in overt displays of strength, but truly strong people are gentle. Kindness is a sign of strength. A truly strong person knows her strength, so she has nothing to prove. A weak person will make other people feel small through their strength and with their words, and they try to prove others to be weak with their gestures. A weak person's idea of strength is proving her strength to others. A truly strong person's idea of strength is making other people feel protected by their presence. The Messenger of Allah said the strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger. Reported in Sahih al-Bukhari, the real sign of strength is having none to almost none.
Speaker 1:Proving behaviors in your non-verbal language, just like living humbly is a sign of true wealth. Overt display of wealth is a sign that you want to prove to others that you have wealth. Proving behavior comes from not believing that you already have what you want for yourself, not even believing that you can get it. Having a lot of self-doubt and insecurity when you engage in proving behavior, it's because, deep down, you don't really believe that you deserve or possess what you desire. You might want to be seen as successful, loved, competent, but you don't yet believe that you already embody those qualities or have the potential to achieve them. Even Then you'll feel compelled to prove them to others. So the trick here really is that you recognize and address this proving behavior. That way, you will shift your mindset to self-assurance. You start to believe that you already have what it takes to be successful, loved, competent, and that you're on your way to achieving these goals. This belief works to free you from the need to prove yourself and allows you to act from a more confident and authentic place.
Speaker 1:Another example is being comfortable in your skin is a sign of beauty. Otherwise, overt displays of beauty could indicate that you're not really comfortable with how beautiful you are. Same way, intelligent people don't need to prove their intelligence. Their non-verbal behavior proves it to people. Proving behavior is otherwise one-upping other people in a conversation oh, you went to Spain, I went to Spain too. I took my family, I did an Islamic tour, we had the best tour guide, we ate at the best restaurants. So you can see how desperation of proving their traveling competence or their money is leaking out in this person's non-verbal behavior rather than their words. But how do you share your travel to Spain? As a reply, as a conversation carrier, as somebody who's respecting the other person's experience as well as sharing your own? That is going to carry out completely differently if you're improving behavior rather than if you're genuinely connecting with someone over your passion of travel.
Speaker 1:Confident people listen more than they speak. Patience is a true mark of confidence. A truly confident person is secure in their knowledge and their abilities, so they don't need to dominate a conversation. An insecure person will interrupt and talk over others, trying to prove their own worth through words. An insecure person's idea of confidence is being loud and assertive. That's their non-verbal proving behavior. A confident person radiates assurance and puts others at ease just by being present and just like that. Generosity is a sign of true wealth. Being content with simplicity is a sign of inner peace, regardless of how wealthy you are.
Speaker 1:Proving behavior has roots in validation seeking, which is the underlying desire of external approval and recognition, and this approval addiction goes under the radar for many people. This emphasizes the compulsive need of validation from others, and this dependency reflects the reliance on external affirmations to feel secure or valuable. And all of that leads to status assertion, which is the behavior of trying to assert your position or your worth in a social hierarchy. But let me tell you honest people don't need to boast about their integrity. Their transparency is the hallmark of genuine honesty. A truly honest person acts with integrity without needing to announce it or prove it.
Speaker 1:A dishonest person will over-explain, defend and try to prove their honesty over and over again, which is different than if a person is telling the truth but is nervous about not being believed, in which case an honest person will over-justify their actions, but that's a different topic. A dishonest person of idea of honesty is persuading others to believe them, trying to control others where they don't have any control. An honest person will create trust through consistent actions, not words. Similarly, a truly wise person does not need to flaunt her wisdom. Humility is a sign of wisdom. A truly wise woman will share her knowledge when needed.
Speaker 1:Without the seeking of recognition, the recognition just naturally follows. Without the seeking of recognition, the recognition just naturally follows. An unwise person is the one that will quote others, shows off facts trying to prove their wisdom. Being peaceful and confident within yourself is a sign of true wisdom and a generous person. She doesn't need to publicize the charity. Discretion is the mark of true generosity for her. A truly generous person gives freely, without the seeking of the praise. A stingy person will make a show of their charity trying to prove the generosity. Being considerate is a sign of true generosity without proving behavior.
Speaker 1:Anyone who's pursuing proving behavior without their knowledge is craving for recognition, especially when their own self-justification falls short. So then their worthiness has to be exhibited, since they've been unable to validate it internally. So it is very important that you take this job seriously, which is the job of self-validation. That way you wouldn't need to prove what you desperately want, because then you can start to see what you want a part of it you might actually have, or you might actually have what you want in some other shape or form. Proving behavior moves you further away from what you want. An insecure person will constantly seek praise. A secure person will celebrate other people's successes. A confident person will lift others up, because true confidence is supportive and empowering. An insecure person will put others down. These are all methods of someone trying to create safety for their nervous system. That's all. Proving behavior is when you engage in that.
Speaker 1:It's because you believe that being safe means being rich, smart, beautiful, socially acceptable, otherwise desirable, and the list goes on. You might think that if you can just prove these things to yourself and others, you will finally feel secure and accepted and you will belong. And this mindset is what drives you to constantly seek validation and affirmation, because you've equated your worth and safety with external approval, but true safety really comes from inside. It is never about proving to others that you possess these qualities. It is never about proving to others that you possess these qualities. It's about embracing and recognizing these qualities in yourself. When you truly start to recognize and learn that safety is not dependent on external factors, but it is your state of being, you start to understand that you don't need to prove anything to anyone. You already have the potential to be rich and spiritual, smart, beautiful, socially connected. These qualities are inherent within you, and believing in them starts with self-acceptance and self-love.
Speaker 1:Creating a self of belonging should not come from trying to prove your worth. Instead, it needs to come from this genuine realization that you are enough as you are. When you stop striving to prove these qualities and actually start embracing them, you begin to appear more authentic and confident, and then people are naturally drawn to this authenticity and this creates a genuine connection, a true sense of belonging. Again, it's starting with being true to yourself. This way, you invite others to do the same and you create mutual respect and understanding rather than a desperate need of validation through proving behavior.
Speaker 1:You already are what you want. You already have what you want. That's just true. You might not already have a hundred percent of what you want, but you have some of it, and focusing on that diverts you away from proving behavior. You are already strong. If you are not strong enough to lift up a couch up a flight of stairs, you are strong enough to lift a baby. You're strong enough to care. You're strong enough for the life you're given. You have strength. You are already strong. You just need to start to see it that way. You are already rich. You are smart, you are beautiful. If you have believed that the opposite of any of these things is true, then you will be engaging in non-verbal proving behavior that will take you away further from any of these goals.
Speaker 1:Major energy fuel behind proving behavior is fear, and the biggest fear is the fear of rejection. So I want you to start creating belonging other ways, and I have a whole other podcast on how you create your own belonging podcast, number 185. So, needless to say, proving behavior takes you away from belonging and proves your fear of rejection true, because no one wants to be around insecurity and desperation. You are most likely not making the decision of proving behavior consciously, you're not choosing it, but you are probably doing it somewhere. Start to work to identify it, not so that you can judge yourself because of it or shame yourself for it. Not so that you can judge yourself because of it or shame yourself for it, but so that you can identify what your nervous system regards as a measure of safety for yourself. And then you can start to see that you already have it, or components of it at least. That will put your nervous system at ease and from that place you can work to improve on that talent, that habit, that bank balance or whatever it is. That is a form of safety for your nervous system. You don't do it by trying to overexert your nervous system and attempting to prove yourself.
Speaker 1:The inner conversation behind proving behavior is if I can be certain that I'm resourceful enough, spiritual enough, rich enough, funny enough, smart enough, then that means I'm useful to be around and other people would like to be around me, so that way I can belong. It puts your belonging and safety in other people's hands. You can be the most beautiful, successful person and people can still reject you. You can be the most spiritual person, but not be spiritual enough for somebody out there. The foundational belief behind proving behavior is a lie, because the foundational belief is that you can control other people's opinions about you. Other people's beliefs do not create your position in the social hierarchy, only your beliefs do so.
Speaker 1:Inshallah, all of these concepts have been fruitful to you, and the way I'm going to summarize it is that proving behavior is when you feel the need to demonstrate your worth, abilities or qualities to others, and that is driven by your desire of validation and approval. That comes from the lack of self-belief or self-confidence because you have been unable to fulfill your own validation. Confidence because you have been unable to fulfill your own validation. This way, you will find yourself constantly showcasing your success, intelligence, beauty, all of your social connections and networks. Just to feel secure and accepted, you will seek praise, highlight your achievements, exaggerate the stories of gain and recognition, and this level of need of external validation only creates anxiety and stress, which further distances you from genuine self-acceptance and acceptance by others, and it steals your inner peace. True safety and belonging always only comes from within, through self-acceptance, recognizing your inner worth, seeing your capabilities, instead of trying to prove this to others. Focus on believing in yourself, in your own value and potential, no matter where your starting point is when you embrace your qualities, you will appear more authentic and confident, naturally attracting positive and meaningful connections.
Speaker 1:This week, I want to invite you to ask this question what is your nonverbal language saying? With that, I pray to Allah SWT. O Allah, grant me the strength to see my own worth and feel secure in my heart. Help me to recognize the richness, the intelligence, the beauty and everything within myself that you've gifted me, everything that you've blessed me with. Let me find peace in the knowing that my value is not determined by anyone else. Guide me, o Allah, to build genuine connections. Let my interactions be free from the need to prove myself. Help me find true belonging through your love and mercy towards me and towards the rest of the ummah. Help us create bonds that are meaningful and lasting. Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.