Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Overcoming Internalized Shame
Discover the power of understanding and healing internalized shame.
In this episode, we talk about the difference between healthy shame, which helps us grow, and internalized shame, which traps us in a cycle of self-doubt and inadequacy. You'll learn where internalized shame stems from and how it manifests as a constant feeling of being unworthy. This is to recognize your harmful patterns and transform your thinking.
By embracing the power of neuroplasticity, you can rewire your brain to foster self-compassion and positive self-talk. Imagine breaking free from the nagging voice of chronic shame. Healing this might even heal long standing anxiety and depression.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you. Everything created by Allah SWT serves a purpose that includes all of the negative emotions.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to be talking about shame. It is a very common emotion that's felt by a Muslim woman, mostly as a result of past traumas childhood neglect, spiritual abuse. But there is a difference in healthy shame and chronic internalized shame. A little bit of shame is necessary to gauge the impact of your actions on others. This healthy shame lets you take corrective action. Internalized shame, on the other hand, is an ever-present sense of identity. It's a habitual pattern of thinking. It's a learned way to respond to the world in a very monovision, unhealthy manner.
Speaker 1:I've been on a healing journey for a while now and I can tell you that internalized shame manifests as constant feeling of inadequacy. For me, it was as if I was always falling short, no matter what I do, always second-guessing myself, questioning every decision and action. This pattern of thinking is not something anyone is born with. It's learned over time, reinforced by negative experiences and messages from others. You might experience internalized shame as a nagging sense of guilt or a pervasive feeling that you're fundamentally flawed, and all of that will make you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself to be accepted. You worry that if people see the real you, they will reject you, and this fear drives you to present a facade, to pretend to be something you're not, just to gain approval and mostly engaging in people-pleasing. In my interactions, internalized shame used to show up as a reluctance to speak up or assert myself, as a constant fear that my opinions are not valuable or that I will be judged harshly for expressing them or having basic human needs is asking too much. This creates a cycle of silence and self-suppression which then turns to more of where I hold back my true thoughts and feelings.
Speaker 1:For you, internalized shame might cause you to avoid taking risks or trying any new things. It whispers ahead of time that you will fail, that you're not capable of success, and this fear of failure becomes paralyzing, keeping you stuck in a safe but a very unfulfilling routine. You start to believe that you're not worthy of pursuing your dreams or achieving your goals. My internalized shame would make me overly critical of myself and others, and it still does that sneakily. Sometimes it is as if I was constantly scanning for flaws and imperfections and my brain had no other job. You can see why this level of critical mindset will erode someone's self-esteem and damage relationships, because when we are in internalized shame, we will project our own insecurities onto others.
Speaker 1:You might also find that internalized shame affects your ability to accept compliments or positive feedback. When someone praises you, you immediately discount their words, thinking they're just being polite or they don't really mean it or it wasn't a big deal. This inability to accept kindness stems from a deep-seated belief that you are unworthy of praise. So this internalized shame has created a barrier of intimacy and connection within your life. It makes you feel unworthy of love and affection, leading you to push people away and you doubt their sincerity, even when they do express care and love. And then you get trapped in a loneliness that's difficult to break from. This level of internalized shame follows you everywhere, influences your thoughts and then, through that, it influences your feelings and actions and the results you're living in your life. Sometimes you're not aware that the results that you're living in your life, the origin lies in internalized shame.
Speaker 1:One remarkable feature of chronic internalized shame when the brain is operating from the same stale, rehearsed thoughts is that you might be experiencing shame rather than anxiety or depression. The approach to learned internalized shame needs to be different than endogenous depression, and I would venture that treating internalized shame will improve your symptoms dramatically, because internalized shame creates a sense of helplessness and disempowerment. It makes you feel like you can't change anything, that no matter what you do, it won't make a difference, and that level of shame makes you feel unsafe in your body. It makes you feel fewer emotions because it causes you to act out more and more from those emotions without being aware of them, and you might even feel a detachment from your body, as I used, to a sense that I wasn't fully present or connected to myself. When you start to heal the chronic internalized shame, you will start to experience more and more emotions within your body, including the positive, joyful, happy emotions. The shame would whisper that I don't deserve comfort, I'm not good enough to be loved or cared for. It might tell you that my desires are wrong, my feelings are too much to handle or the feelings are not important enough in the first place. It makes you start to think that if people knew the real me they wouldn't like me.
Speaker 1:Recently I came across a client in a national consult where she asked a question that was literally mind-blowing to me. She was asking me if her husband has the right to enforce his will and ask her to not see her immediate family. To me, just contemplating this question shows how deeply internalized the shame might be. If your life circumstances make you question your own worth and rights, then it is a very high likelihood that you're living in internalized shame. It tells me that she thinks she is not worthy of maintaining her own relationships or making her own decisions about her own immediate family, and perhaps even that she deserves to be isolated. And no, in Islam the husband has no such right to enforce that will. Needless to say, I have the same insecurities as you do. The only difference is I'm just aware of mine. Internalized shame convinces me that I'm less than others, that I must earn my place by constantly proving my worth, and when this level of internal dialogue happens, I just become vigilant and disregard it. I work to remember my inherent worth. So I had mentioned healthy shame at the beginning of the podcast and it almost sounds like an oxymoron.
Speaker 1:Because how can shame be present, feel borderline, dangerous in the body and be healthy at the same time, and that has to do with the length of time shame is present. It needs to be present just long enough for you to get your attention, like a fire alarm in your house. If it goes off, it gets your attention. You run from the fire or you find out that it was a false alarm. That's the healthy use of an alarm system. But if the fire alarm goes off constantly, that debilitates you because of how constantly loud it is. You can't pay attention to much else because of the intrusive nature of the alarm. That's internalized shame. An alarm going off for no good reason and constantly, or an alarm going off for completely made-up reasons of manufactured inadequacy Internalized shame is the work of shaitan. Constant alert of an alarm is a malfunction. Internalized shame is a malfunction of a healthy alarm system.
Speaker 1:Shame is a very stressful state for the body to be in. If you experience shame, your body reacts as if it's under threat. It triggers releasing of stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, and this response is a part of fight or flight mechanism, which is designed to protect you from danger. But in the case of shame, the mechanism is counterproductive and prolonged Instead of helping you escape the threat. It produces the threat within your body and it keeps the body in state of high alert. And of course that leads to different health issues, including diagnosis of anxiety, depression and then further digestive symptoms or cardiovascular diseases. The physical toll of shame affects your sleep patterns, appetite, overall energy level. When your body is constantly under stress aka, in this case, from shame it struggles to perform any essential function. You might find that it's difficult for you to fall asleep or stay asleep. Having daytime fatigue, weakened immune system and the disruption in your physical health creates a vicious cycle with poor mental health, which exacerbate the feelings of shame. The same stress of shame impacts your brain functioning. It impairs the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that's responsible for decision making, problem solving and emotional regulation. So then you find it harder to concentrate, you find it harder to make decisions or control your emotions, which further gets you consumed by shame.
Speaker 1:I cannot emphasize enough, if I haven't already, how important it is to start to heal your shame, because it is just being created by your thoughts being manufactured chronically, over and over again in a moment-to-moment basis. And you can break those repetitive thought-based patterns by learning to think differently, learning to think new, because shame does not come from events of the past. It comes from thinking about the past in the same shame-provoking way, which are the same learned patterns of behavior of the brain. Every time you think a negative thought about yourself, you reinforce that thought. It deepens the groove in your brain, making it easier for your mind to default to these self-critical patterns. It becomes a well-trodden path in the forest where the grass doesn't grow, a well-trodden path in the forest where the grass doesn't grow because it's been walked on so many times. The chronic nature of these thoughts, however, does not mean that they are unchangeable.
Speaker 1:This is where the concept of neuroplasticity offers great hope, because neuroplasticity is the brain's remarkable ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections all throughout your life, which means that you can essentially rewire your brain to think differently. Just as you've learned to internalize shame, you can unlearn it and replace it with healthier, more positive patterns of thinking, and alhamdulillah for this incredible gift. It changes everything. It creates healing, which means that healing is always within reach, no matter how entrenched your thought patterns may seem. And to harness this power of neuroplasticity, it's important that you engage in consistent, intentional practices and staying persistent with those practices.
Speaker 1:No matter what you choose If it's mindful meditation, cognitive behavioral techniques, journaling pick something, notice an effect and stick with it. You can choose, for instance, to begin each day with a moment of gratitude, just acknowledging the blessings, waking up with counting three blessings in your life and going to bed counting three more blessings. The important point is that we stay persistent. It takes 21 days for a new neural pathway to solidify in your brain. So pick one practice at least. If it makes you feel a little better each day, stick with it for 21 days. And all of this is not about perfection. It's about progress and continuation. It's about making a loving effort to become the best version of yourself.
Speaker 1:And I also want to mention that on the way of healing, you have to realize that the language of early core wounds or trauma isn't describing something that's hardwired into you now. Think of an early attachment wound or childhood neglect or past trauma like a sandcastle. The sandcastle might have been built with great detail and effort throughout your life, forming intricate shapes and structures from the sand, and even though it might seem solid, it's not a permanent part of you, just like a sandcastle is not a permanent part of the beach, the wave of the ocean can wash it over, gradually smoothing it away, making it ready to be shaped into something new. When you explore these early experiences through the current methods of self-psychoeducation, you're directed towards these initial seeds of childhood trauma or attachment wound, not because they're permanent fixtures of who you are, but to understand how they started in the first place. I myself mentioned these in the beginning of the podcast, and I did that because I meant to show you where it all begins, not to imply that these experiences have now become an unchangeable part of your makeup.
Speaker 1:No matter how subtly or prominently your internalized shame began, no matter how habitual it has become now, it is all based on thought. It's like a shadow. It might seem real and imposing, but it doesn't have any substance. There's no physical matter to an attachment wound or an emotional or moral injury that starts you on the path of internalized shame. Whatever core belief or identity crisis you find at the bottom of your internalized shame, whatever triggers it initially, it is still just a thought. It's like a sculpture made of clay malleable, changeable, and it has always been like that. You just need to see it in a different light, and this is the biggest breakthrough that I encountered in my own healing. So, for you to work through this process, remember that the core beliefs are not permanent. They're just as flexible and can be reshaped with time and effort, much like you can reshape a clay sculpture into something new and beautiful.
Speaker 1:An easy way to fix this is to change how you engage with yourself in a dialogue, and for that you will need to monitor that dialogue. And this process begins with developing a heightened sense of self-awareness, particularly regarding your thoughts and inner conversations that occur in your mind. Start by paying attention to your self-talk. Notice when you're being critical, dismissive or harsh with yourself. Catching these moments is the first step towards changing them. Consider keeping a journal where you jot down instances of negative self-talk throughout the day. This practice helps you become more conscious of your internal dialogue patterns and provides a clear starting point for you to make a change.
Speaker 1:Once you have identified the negative self-talk, the next step is to challenge and reframe it. Ask yourself if these thoughts are based on facts or assumptions. The negative things we say to ourselves are exaggerated or entirely unfounded most of the time, like if you catch yourself thinking I always mess things up. Take a moment to reflect on the evidence. Is it really true that you always mess things up, or is it more accurate to say that sometimes things don't go as planned, which is a normal part of life? And by questioning these negative thoughts, you can start to dismantle their power and replace them with more balanced and more realistic perspective, and then, from then, go on to cultivate a more positive self-talk.
Speaker 1:And it doesn't mean forcing yourself to believe an overly optimistic mindset or ignoring any genuine problems. What that means is just focusing on affirming your strengths, acknowledging your achievements so far and just being simply kind to yourself, going from I can't do this I've never been able to do this to this is tough, but I have the skills and resources to handle it. Something that feels a little bit better and is believable to you right now. This is the process that will require the patience and the persistence, and you will notice. The process of healing from internalized shame follows the stages of I am bad to I'm thinking I am bad In this stage, you're able to dissociate from your thinking to the next stage of I'm not inherently bad, to the stage of I am good, and these are the four stages that you're going to go through, in different patterns, when you're trying to heal your internalized shame. All of this to say is that this level of shame is very, very healable.
Speaker 1:With that, I pray to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. Oh Allah, most merciful and compassionate, we turn to you in our journey of healing from internalized shame. Grant us the awareness to recognize the negative self-talk that cloud our minds all the time. Give us the strength to challenge and replace these thoughts with the truth of our worth that is in your eyes. Inshallah, help us to see ourselves as you see us, with love and mercy, full of potential deserving of love and respect. Ya Allah, we ask for you to guide us and support us as we go through transforming our lives from inside out, o Allah, as we change our thoughts and beliefs. Help this journey become that of healing, so it can bring us closer to you. O Allah, fill our hearts with peace and our minds with clarity. Ameen. Ya Rabbul A'ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.