Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Awareness Does Not Matter
How is that awareness is everything, but yet nothing at the same time?
Can awareness alone lead to more suffering? Find out the answers in this episode
If you are practicing awareness without judgment it, it will intensify your stress and negative emotions. It is very important to become non-critical of your internal state.
We also explore the intriguing Islamic concept of Qareen, a companion spirit that influences our negative thoughts and behaviors. By recognizing the Qareen's impact, we can adopt a more compassionate approach to self-awareness and self-improvement.
This episode emphasizes the importance of accepting our imperfections without judgment and utilizing mindfulness, meditation, and other tools to address these issues constructively.
By practicing acceptance, we can reduce internal conflict and enhance well-being,
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:You are for sure going to be surprised at the title of this podcast, because the title of my very last episode was that awareness is everything, but at the same time, it also doesn't matter if not paired with non-judgment, and I'm going to expand on this concept. I love holding different concepts in contrast, because there's always a dichotomy. There's always an exception to whatever knowledge or a piece of information we have. So I'm recording this podcast at the same time as my previous podcast, that released last week, and the reason I'm doing that is because I know awareness is everything, but I also know it doesn't really matter if applied in a different context. So when women come to me for coaching and they start seeing their results, they start to hang on my every word with dear life, so that I have to teach them to listen to what I'm helping them with, but also to unlearn it, because what I tell them might not apply in every situation. What I say is important, but it's also not as important as your own opinion about your own life as it applies to a moment. So the point of this coaching is to be an expert at your own life. It applies to a moment. So the point of this coaching is to be an expert at your own life, not me becoming the expert. So I personally love building belief systems and breaking them down and rebuilding them as it relates to my own well-being, and this is my invite for you to do the same, especially when you have to hold different beliefs in contrast at the same time.
Speaker 1:If you want to learn why awareness is everything, listen to the previous podcast, but if you want to learn why awareness doesn't really matter, then listen on, because this knowledge of this contrast has an incredible healing property Awareness of the internal state does not matter as much as the non-judgment of it. That is the quote that I recently read in a book, and it's so completely true Awareness of the internal state does not matter as much as the non-judgment of it. So then I decided to sit down and expand on it to help you guys understand what my aha moment was, just from this sentence alone. But then I also realized that I have to help you understand why awareness is important in the first place. So that's why I recorded my previous podcast. So this one single sentence awareness of the internal state does not matter as much as your non-judgment of it. This has led me to create 40 minutes of extremely impactful podcast content. So first we talked about why awareness is important and now we're going to talk about why it doesn't really matter if you can't do it without judgment.
Speaker 1:If you've ever been in that energy where you try to keep a journal but you can't keep up with this habit, everyone tells you that keeping up with the diary, writing in a journal, is very therapeutic, is very important, but you sit down to write some things and then you find out all of the garbage that you've been thinking and that you've been a victim of, and then you don't want to continue anymore. So you've never really been able to continue with this habit, to sustain the habit of journaling, and that's because journaling creates an awareness, but immediately after that, your brain creates a judgment of whatever you become aware of. So this awareness of internal state does not matter as much as the non-judgment of it. Why does non-judgment matters more than awareness? Because just awareness leads to suffering if you can't stop judging it. So the non-judgment reduces suffering. Judgment adds an additional layer of stress and negative emotions, because if you're feeling anxious that's one thing, but if you're judging yourself for being anxious, that will intensify the distress. The non-judgment of the awareness of anxiety will break this cycle.
Speaker 1:Non-judgment of your internal environment promotes healing. Non-judgment of your internal environment promotes healing because you're coming at it with an acceptance. When you allow yourself to fully experience your emotions without resistance, you will find that they naturally move and change and resolve over time instead of building up and accumulating in your body, which later on presents itself as diseases. Non-judgment enhances clarity because judgment clouds your perception and this cloudiness in the perception leads to more distorted thinking down the line. The longer we are able to observe ourselves without judgment, the deeper we'll see clearly and understand our true state. Non-judgment encourages growth because when you're able to observe your internal environment safely, it encourages you to explore and understand your experiences deeply. Whatever you're introspecting and finding. The non-judgment of it improves relationships because if you're able to internally hold yourself with acceptance, you can extend the same interaction with others, creating empathy and understanding in your relationships. So this acceptance will trump self-awareness every time, because if you criticize what, you became aware of it will wash away all of its benefits.
Speaker 1:So please go ahead with writing prompts, journaling or whatever method you have to make yourself aware of your own thoughts, but you absolutely have to practice non-judgment, otherwise awareness will become extremely painful, and we're not doing these awareness exercises to traumatize ourselves more. We're doing it to heal. So besides journaling, writing prompts, speaking to a therapist or a coach, there are multiple methods that you can use to observe your thoughts and emotions without an attachment or evaluation of them directly. I'm gonna give you some moment-to-moment, real-life examples of how, as a Muslim woman, you'll be experiencing these and how you can apply these methods in different contexts in your life. So let's say you're at a family dinner and your teenage daughter is upset and snaps at you. Immediately you determine how disrespectful this is and you feel a surge of irritation and hurt rising inside you. So what would awareness with non-judgment look like here? You might react if you haven't learned to slow down in the moment and then you'll create judgment for that reactivity later. Or if you've done this work before, then you might be able to stop yourself from reacting from that irritation.
Speaker 1:But when you become aware of the irritation and the hurt that's bubbling up inside of you. That awareness has a natural tendency to lead you into judgment of being irritated. And this is the level of space I'm asking you guys to hold for yourself, because maybe it's natural for a mother to feel irritated and hurt when her teenage daughter snaps at her, and maybe you're not the worst mother for doing that. So that silent acknowledgement of your feelings and making space for them, saying I feel hurt and annoyed, and then being able to respond calmly, not only to her but to yourself also, this is awareness with non-judgment, because in these moments the non-criticism always outweighs the self-awareness of your inner irritation. Any critique that you might carry for your inner state of hurt, irritation, anger, will first of all result directly in the buildup of these emotions within your body, which then later on spills over in the rest of your life, and, second, you're not going to be able to direct your daughter in a thoughtful parenting manner. So let me give you guys a few more examples, because this awareness of internal state that I'm talking about is extremely nuanced.
Speaker 1:So let's say, a close friend of yours cancels plans last minute not once, not twice, but repeatedly. Your first emotional reaction might be disappointment, irritation, resentment, and if you are in a subtle judgment of feeling that way, then you're going to force yourself to try and justify her behavior before you've had a chance to deal with your own emotions. You have the opportunity in this moment to feel your disappointment and say that's okay. Only when you're able to hold space for yourself then can you go into creating an empathic perspective for your friend where it's possible that she might have something come up. Only after you've given yourself a non-judgmental space for feeling irritation can you move towards empathy for your friend or a level of understanding for canceling over and over again. This gives you more of an empowered stance to respond to her empathically and respectfully.
Speaker 1:What about in a professional example? If your idea was dismissed by a colleague and you feel undervalued, then there's a chance that because of judgment, of this feeling, you'll suppress it. You might even go on as far as justifying why your idea was dismissed because you're not as talented or skilled as the other person. A little bit of curiosity, non-judgment of your feeling of being undervalued is going to open doors for so much more acceptance by your colleagues and by yourself, because you can just start with taking a few deep breaths, continuing to listen to the discussion, but also provide a constructive feedback without letting your initial emotion of being undervalued drive your response. And all of this is only possible if you didn't judge and suppress your emotion, your internal state.
Speaker 1:Or let's say, your husband forgets an important date and you feel hurt and unappreciated. In this moment, you have the option to sit quietly and observe your feelings without labeling them as good or bad, just acknowledging I feel hurt, just acknowledging I feel hurt, and then deciding to communicate these feelings to your husband in a non-confrontational manner or in a confrontational manner. It's up to you. You're going to be able to communicate your needs much better with your husband if you haven't shut them down for having immediate judgment for your hurt. Or let's say, you take pride in cooking dinners for your family but you forget someone's special request and you feel terrible about it. But instead of practicing self-criticism for that guilt or for your initial omission of action, you practice self-compassion, reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes. You might even say it's okay, I did my best, I learned from this, and then move on without really dwelling on the negative feelings.
Speaker 1:Practicing non-judgment involves you integrating mindfulness, self-compassion, journaling, therapy, coaching, moment-to-moment awareness in your daily life so you can navigate all of these complex dynamics by keeping your emotional safety and mental wellness at the forefront, by not making any of these experiences painful for yourself. When I ask you to become aware of your internal state as a coach, I'm not asking you to invite pain in Nobody's asking you to do that. So I'm going to add here that in Islam, the concept of Qareen, which represents an invisible companion, is what the jinn companion is that every human being has. I believe this jinn Qareen is responsible for all of these judgments of your internal state, judgment of all of your thoughts and emotions, and this concept alone solves for the inner struggle that all of us have with our inner flaws and how self-awareness is challenging but extremely beneficial, because who is the entity that doesn't want to be known? It's shaitan. It wants to do its dirty business and stay completely hidden.
Speaker 1:If you are becoming more and more aware of your internal state because you're optimizing your life, you're prioritizing your wellness, then the judgment of this self-awareness is Zakarin's work, because he benefits a lot by you thinking constantly that you're specifically broken, that you have some special case scenario which is why you can't lead a fulfilling life. He benefits a lot from this type of thinking of yours, so he keeps feeding it to you. Like you're a horrible person for feeling frustration, anger. You're a horrible person for letting people criticize you. If you let go of this idea that I am always this way or I'm always supposed to be that way, it becomes much easier to recognize and accept the influence of your qareen on you, because by doing so you're lowering the brain's threshold for self-awareness, making this process less painful and more constructive. Meaning.
Speaker 1:Suppose you see yourself as honest and kind, but if you catch yourself lying or being unkind in any scenario, the discomfort of acknowledging these traits will intensify your self-criticism because your Qareen will amplify this voice and say that you are specifically broken. The Qareen will amplify these negative behaviors. So when I say awareness does not matter without non-judgment of it, I'm asking you to recognize your inner critic's voice, the Kareen, because if you take pride in being patient and compassionate and sometimes you're not always that compassionate then instead of accepting these slip-ups, if you find yourself being impatient with yourself and being extra harsh, then correction from these slip-ups is going to become much tougher and you'll become defensive and start accusing others of criticizing you. You'll become more defensive, which all of this blocks your self-awareness and it keeps you from growing and improving. So the key to dealing with Kareen's influence on yourself is not just awareness but the non-judgment of it, recognizing where you might have slipped into a negative quality without a harsh self-judgment. If you catch yourself being jealous, simply noticing it without condemning yourself for a lifetime of jealousy, allowing yourself to understand it better and why it came about and work on it without the added burden of guilt and shame. Because, let's say, you value yourself for being a generous person, but one time you really wanted your ice cream and didn't share it with your sister and you acted selfishly. Your brain's going to be like now you're broken, you've acted against your value and the Kareen's voice will amplify that judgment. But if you create non-judgment for yourself in that space and say to yourself this is a part of a human experience, this does not reflect a definitive character flaw in me. I have other ways to make up and be generous to my sister. You're more likely to address and rectify the behavior rather than burying it and denying it or projecting it onto others. So through this process of accepting the inner self and the third party theory of shaitan, we accept ourselves as it leads to our inner unity and outer unity, because in the moment when you're experiencing your difficult parts, you can say these parts are no longer defining me, they're not projecting my shortcomings, they're just a fluke, they're just a partial interruption in the flow of my life and you begin to forgive yourself and you begin to incorporate others more and more into your life. You don't constantly fight with yourself for having these qualities, and that way we begin to integrate inner harmony and we start to become a part of the larger family, the Ummah of Islam.
Speaker 1:This Islamic traditional view of the concept of Qareen provides a fascinating lens through which you can view your internal struggles and separate yourself from them. So, while the major concept is that the Qareen is believed to be the companion jinn that's assigned to every individual, whispers negative thoughts and encourages sinful behavior. The most damage it does is create judgment of our self-awareness. So we never get to become better human beings. And the whole point of life on this planet? Why Allah SWT gave us these life circumstances is so that we can become better human beings, to live a life of ihsan and striving. So we use this concept to understand the negative aspect of your psyche, because, if you can understand that, you're having some low moments in your life as a human being.
Speaker 1:Acknowledging the presence of the Qareen will lead you to a greater non-judgmental self-awareness that increases your chances of self-improvement, because instead of constantly badgering yourself, you start to improve yourself. The judgment of your internal state is the Qareen's job. That way, the process of self-awareness that is extremely important to improve your life becomes painful. The Qareen creates this resistance and, instead of observing your internal state, you start to hide from yourself and you start to run away from it. If you ever find yourself as being envious or lazy or greedy, you can understand why. Just the recognition of these qualities will be challenging, because we are extremely quick to judge ourselves. We are very fast in creating discomfort that leads to defensiveness and projection, in creating discomfort that leads to defensiveness and projection. So even if you worked hard all of your life, you found yourself resting and say that this is laziness. Just creating the awareness and acceptance of the lazy moment is going to be nearly impossible, because the acceptance leads to healing.
Speaker 1:The acceptance helps you understand that you are indeed a hardworking person. Maybe you had a moment of laziness or you had a day or two of when you weren't functioning at your optimal level. The acceptance does not mean you endorse your negative feelings or behavior, but just acknowledging the presence and work towards overcoming it, which is much less painful if you accept yourself for having these moments. Which is much less painful if you accept yourself for having these moments. All you're doing is reducing the internal conflict. That makes the path to self-improvement more constructive and less painful.
Speaker 1:You can engage in mindfulness, meditation, self-compassion exercises, journaling, therapy, coaching, any modality that's available to you to become aware of your shortcomings, not so that you can judge them, but so that you can do something about them If you needed to improve them. You can create that acceptance. All of it will improve your well-being. So in my program I teach my clients a method of compassionate self-inquiry and this makes awareness not only painless but very amusing and cleansing, like when I do this process on myself through my self-coaching. Then I'm not hiding away from what I'm going to find. I'm looking for it with amazement and curiosity just so I can plug it out and throw it away so that it doesn't continue to create more problems in my life.
Speaker 1:Like if you receive criticism on a work project and you feel disheartened. That does not mean that you have to stay in self-doubt and criticism for the rest of the time, accepting the feeling of disheartened and doubting your abilities, but also not accepting them as an inherent part of you, but also not accepting them as an inherent part of you. All of that lets you become more capable of learning and improving and using the criticism constructively, without letting yourself diminish your self-worth in the process. If you want to prioritize being attentive to your husband's needs more, but you haven't been able to do so, just the acknowledgement of your shortcomings is going to create more of an improvement in your relationship to your goals rather than constantly self-criticizing. If you want to prioritize looking for a spouse more, but you're stuck in the past, instead of criticizing when you do become aware that you're stuck in the past, give yourself space, give yourself acceptance. Give yourself sentences like of course, the past had a grip on me, but now I'm breaking away from it. Give yourself space, give yourself acceptance. Give yourself sentences like of course the past had a grip on me, but now I'm breaking away from it.
Speaker 1:If your sibling is extremely trigger happy with their reactivity and emotions and you thinking to yourself I feel really angry when my sibling does this If you're frustrated with your sibling, but are unable to find a better way to communicate your needs, create clean boundaries, then that can very well be because of your own judgment, of your frustration and anger that you're feeling. If you're overwhelmed or worried about an upcoming presentation and you write down your fears and your concerns, I'm worried I'll mess up because or I haven't been able to speak in front of people successfully before. Externalizing these worries, writing them down, visualizing them on a piece of paper, only helps if you don't judge yourself for being that human who has not yet mastered the art of presentation, who is not yet a skillful public speaker. Your ongoing criticism of this awareness that you're not yet competent enough to speak in front of public is not going to make public speaking any easier. It's actually going to make it much more painful. Which is why my invite for you guys throughout this podcast has been that awareness does not matter unless it's followed immediately by the non-judgment of that awareness.
Speaker 1:Use any method necessary to become more aware of your internal state, but also practice acceptance of it. Embrace what you find without critique, because the non-criticism is what unlocks the power of awareness. Otherwise, you will never be able to keep up with the habit of journaling because you'll constantly be using whatever you find as a weapon to hurt yourself. I have said it in multiple ways, but I will say it again Acceptance surpasses awareness. With that I pray to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. O Allah, grant me the awareness of my inner workings, my inner self, and grant me the strength to accept it without criticism. Help me embrace my flaws and my strengths with understanding and compassion, so I can improve on what needs to be improved and I can be grateful for the strengths that I have. O Allah, guide me towards growth and guide me towards yourself through this religion of Islam, and make the path to my mental and emotional wellness easy for me. Ameen, ya Rabbul Alameen, keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.