There are people out there that teach you to hide your emotional pain under religious teachings. This is Spiritual bypassing.
My own encounter with this profound misconception opened a path to deeper understanding, which I'm thrilled to share with you. This episode uncovers the often-overlooked concept of spiritual bypassing within the Islamic faith. I walk you through personal stories and those of my clients, as we confront how uninformed individuals can use our faith against our wellbeing.
Faith in Allah is the HALLMARK of authentic growth and emotional repair.
This heartfelt dialogue underscores the necessity of a nuanced approach to personal development, steering clear of the pitfalls of spiritual bypassing that lead us astray, even under the noble guise of religious teachings.
As our conversation draws to a close, we reaffirm our conscious commitment to Islam, not as an escape but as a foundation of support through life's trials.
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If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
There are people out there that teach you to hide your emotional pain under religious teachings. This is Spiritual bypassing.
My own encounter with this profound misconception opened a path to deeper understanding, which I'm thrilled to share with you. This episode uncovers the often-overlooked concept of spiritual bypassing within the Islamic faith. I walk you through personal stories and those of my clients, as we confront how uninformed individuals can use our faith against our wellbeing.
Faith in Allah is the HALLMARK of authentic growth and emotional repair.
This heartfelt dialogue underscores the necessity of a nuanced approach to personal development, steering clear of the pitfalls of spiritual bypassing that lead us astray, even under the noble guise of religious teachings.
As our conversation draws to a close, we reaffirm our conscious commitment to Islam, not as an escape but as a foundation of support through life's trials.
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If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Alhamdulillah, I find myself humbly grateful for the opportunity to see the deeper connections between Islam, psychology and neurobiology. Through this synthesis of knowledge, I'm able to approach complex issues and create simple perspectives on them. Today's podcast happens to be one of those topics, and when I started implementing the understanding of spiritual bypassing in my life, it had profound effects. The explanations I've created around spiritual bypassing allows me to challenge and correct the misconceptions that cloud your understanding of mental health and spiritual well-being, and, as I share this knowledge, I'm going to constantly be learning from my experiences and insights of my listeners, and it's an ongoing process. But what is particularly gratifying to me is the ability to provide my listeners with the language and techniques that you guys need to empower yourselves. So, if it hasn't come across already, this topic is near and dear to my heart, because I absolutely was a victim of this. So I'm very passionate about the proper understanding of this term and what is being used appropriately and when is it being used to distance you from your religion. I am all about empowerment, which is not just about imparting my knowledge onto you, but rather it's about enabling you to apply these insights into your daily lives. So let's imagine you are a self-help enthusiast and you're trying to find ways to help yourself to feel better, to accomplish your goals, to go out in the world, and you find some cheap or free resources that claim to do exactly all of that. What I want you to be extra careful with here is that you will come across resources that will use spiritual bypassing as a concept against you, and this is what creates quite a bit of confusion. So watch out for the resources that claim to help you but increase your frustration and workload.
Speaker 1:So first let's just start with defining spiritual bypassing. It's a term that was coined by John Wellwood in the mid-1980s and it identifies a critical concern, meaning, when used appropriately, this is extremely therapeutic and healing. The definition I found of spiritual bypassing is that it's the use of spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep genuine emotional turmoil or psychological wounds, and I'm going to explain it in different words so it lands differently for you. It's basically saying that it's the inappropriate application of faith based principle to gloss over and almost ignore deep-seated feelings, in other words, forcing yourself to believe a religious dogma without proper healing of the psyche, bypassing your wound, a negative, difficult emotion, and rushing to believe what everyone else in your faith system believes, just to help yourself feel better sooner. When you use spiritual or religious teachings to sidestep your experience, this is when it's being used inappropriately. That's when it turns into spiritual bypassing. You cannot ignore or rush to move past your pain or emotional distress without truly addressing the underlying issue. In cases like this, scriptures and spiritual practices are used more as a cover-up for pain rather than a tool for genuine healing and understanding. Islam and all of its teachings truly hold the capacity for genuine healing, and I'm going to give you guys examples of spiritual bypassing, and then I'll show you how religious teachings can be appropriately used to create healing of emotions and psyche.
Speaker 1:A client once shared a story with me where she was in residency and it was interrupted because of her pregnancy and lack of support at home. Then she finally got into a residency after she had children, and this was a unique circumstance because it's very rare for somebody to interrupt their medical career for that long and then go back to residency and get accepted. So she was very excited and very grateful, but at the same time she was absolutely panicking Because for her now that meant that she can't spend that much time with her kids. Her constant fear was that I'm abandoning my kids. But she also believed that she was made for something more, something different. She believed that she is smart and she's hardworking, but she kept constantly having this dilemma where she kept saying that I am thankful but I'm also afraid. So spiritual bypassing in this example is that of the pain, of panic and fear, when you're not acknowledging this panic, that your schedule will change, your fear that you might not be able to spend as much time with your kids. And when you use religious teachings to try to force gratefulness on yourself just so you don't have to deal with the panic that's coming up. That's a classic example of spiritual bypassing, and that's exactly what she was doing Since she has decided to pursue residency and there might be a change in how much time she is spending with the kids.
Speaker 1:Bypassing here is done with the burden of gratitude. I should be thankful for what I have. Why do I want more? Allah has already blessed me with a family, resources and support. I should be thankful. But yet here I am. I want to pursue a medical career. So on one hand lies her ambition and her unique opportunity to go through residency that she already worked really hard to get into. But when the acceptance letter came, that's when the panic and fear set in, the fear of change of the status quo, and she started using religious teachings of gratitude to bury her panic and fear. So if you're interested in how it turned out in the end, we coached through all of this and, alhamdulillah, in the end she was feeling rather complete and healed, because once she was able to acknowledge the pain of panic and fear, she was able to lean into it and explore it and she found gratitude on the other side of it, because she is now grateful that she has a supportive family, healthy children and a chance to finish her career, alhamdulillah. So much to be grateful for there. So this is how we use spiritual bypassing to hurt ourselves and this is exactly how we can use the same exact religious teachings to advance ourselves.
Speaker 1:Then I had another client who used spiritual bypassing in the setting of her second marriage after a previous divorce. She said I'm really scared to move forward, even though this guy has been nothing but nice to me and my family, but I have faith that whatever Allah has in store for me will happen. Spiritual bypassing is that of the fear that there is a chance that her second marriage also might end up failing. And for her she was doing spiritual bypassing by forcing herself to believe in qadr, meaning if a divorce in the future is meant to happen, it will Not understanding that she might be creating those circumstances by burying her fear deep down inside in spiritual teachings. But even the mere acknowledgement of the fear made her sound ungrateful and in denial of her predestination. So there was so much pain coming from her not acknowledging that fear and when we coached through that, it dissolved immediately because all this time, alhamdulillah, she was in acceptance of the qadr, her predestination, which is that this guy was in her life and wanted to marry her and loved her and adored her and respected her family and had religious values. But what she was doing in her own spiritual bypassing is sidestepping her fear and forcing herself to believe whatever is supposed to happen will happen, when in reality she was overplaying her fear of the worst-case scenario in the future. These are true, real-life examples and sprinkled throughout these episodes are more and more solutions to this.
Speaker 1:What makes spiritual bypassing a particularly loaded idea to me is its potential misuse in the hands of secularly trained mental health professionals. These providers lacking a nuanced understanding of religious teachings and lacking the understanding of role of religion in the personal development of Muslims, they automatically conclude that religious practices are ineffective or even detrimental in mental health scenarios, again, the argument being that the reliance on spiritual teachings is a form of avoidance rather than a pathway of healing. And I've already given you evidence of how that is actually happening, and it is true. But there's plenty more evidence how spirituality can be used for healing, when used appropriately, and should be used for healing, if anything, that needs to be the primary mode of healing. So what is the balanced perspective here? While it's true that spiritual bypassing is a risk, particularly when religious teachings are used to superficially or quickly escape from pain, it does not diminish the profound positive impact that religious teachings have when applied with depth and understanding. Spirituality, when integrated thoughtfully with psychological practices, offers a rich, layered approach to dealing with emotional pain and psychological wounds. And, most importantly, bypassing can be and is used using any belief system, not just with religious beliefs, and I will tell you more about that in a minute.
Speaker 1:Some secularly trained psychologists, psychotherapists, either intentionally or unintentionally use the definition of spiritual bypassing to discredit spiritual and religious practices in mental health contexts, which is a huge disservice. And this is exactly what Muslims are victim to when they go out and try and find a mental health professional for themselves who is not a Muslim. An extreme example of spiritual bypassing is when women are facing abuse but are told to hush hush in the name of religion, keep the ties of kinship In the meanwhile, there's clear physical, financial or emotional abuse. The practice of always constructing others' negative behavior as positive or making numerous excuses for them in the name of religion is a classic example of spiritual bypassing. That is overt spiritual bypassing, meaning something that we can easily recognize, and it's actually a form of spiritual abuse. But there are a lot of covert ways we are engaging in spiritual bypassing.
Speaker 1:When you constantly redirect your thoughts to only see the good in others, regardless of their inappropriate, rude or harsh behavior, you are ignoring your own feelings and needs. This isn't about being forgiving or empathic. It's a denial of your own experience. This is the ultimate form of sidestepping your pain. It's like telling yourself that your feelings don't matter that your perceptions are invalid and that your well-being is secondary, and it comes only after maintaining a facade of harmony and understanding. This is a subtle yet profound form of self-betrayal. By consistently neglecting your own emotions and needs, you diminish your sense of self-worth and self-respect, until that self-worth totally disappears. This leads to a further build-up of unaddressed emotions like resentment, frustration, sadness, which, if all of that is left unchecked, will be harmful to your mental and emotional well-being. All of this keeps you from further learning how to create healthy boundaries, how to have honest communication in your relationships.
Speaker 1:The phenomena of spiritual bypassing in the realm of organized religion can escalate to the point that it constitutes spiritual abuse. So recently I coached a client who is highly effective in her professional life and actively volunteers in the non-profit space. She encountered a challenging individual and for the purposes of this story we will just call her her manager. The manager, according to my client, obstructs this implementation of ideas and she does it for seemingly egotistical reasons. Like if a team collectively decides on an approach, the manager insists on having the final say and gets upset when she's not consulted for approval. And without my understanding of the specific organizational structure of this nonprofit, it's not my place to label this manager as inherently problematic, but the core issue that my client faced is a form of spiritual bypassing, a reluctance to acknowledge difficulty she faces at her volunteer job. She wishes to see the best in her manager to the extent that the sole reason that she came to that appointment was to get my advice on how to gently persuade this person to change her behavior. Newsflash, you can't make anybody change their behavior. That's their right. If the manager is not open to advice, then it doesn't matter how you deliver it, bluntly or gently, she's not going to listen. The manager's behavior isn't the problem. The problem was that my client's inability to recognize this lack of receptiveness from the manager was causing my client stress. She was sidestepping her stress by forcing herself to see the good in her manager.
Speaker 1:The key ingredient here is just acknowledgement, not minimization, especially under the guise of religious values. Accepting that your nervous system is telling you that this is a challenging individual, and not to rush to empathize with their point of view. And this is not about assigning blame or passing judgment. It's not about me asking you to stay in judgment. It's only about understanding your own reactions and emotions. Alhamdulillah, I'm very encouraged by the progress we've made with the Muslim Mental Health Initiative and I'm seeing more and more positive changes.
Speaker 1:But living in a majority non-Muslim country, you have a high chance of coming across mental health professionals like psychologists, psychotherapists or social workers who may use spiritual bypassing as a tool against you. Because of their own inherent biases, they might end up using your religion and your faith against you, and this is particularly evident when such professionals label religious teachings as outdated or archaic or, worse, they make you believe that you might be using faith as a scapegoat for your personal challenges and shortcomings. This is a disturbing trend where the richness and depth of Islamic teachings are not only misunderstood but also misrepresented. When a mental health professional casts doubt on value of your religious beliefs, it will inevitably lead for you to have conflict between your faith and the therapeutic process. This is obviously harmful.
Speaker 1:Faith modalities are monumentally therapeutic, especially as they are taught to us in Islam. There are five necessities of Islam, and they are preservation of religion, life, intellect, lineage and wealth. The main reason behind all of this is to protect a person's well-being. When religion is criticized for enabling spiritual bypassing, it's because there's an element of truth to it. But listen to me carefully here. This phenomenon is not exclusive to religious practices and it's definitely not exclusive just to Islam.
Speaker 1:Any wholesome or constructive activity, any religious activity, if used inappropriately, can serve as a means to spiritual bypassing. Activities that are usually seen as positive and beneficial, such as intense fitness regimens, traveling, cleaning or even organizing. If used compulsively, all of these can become vehicles for avoidance, especially if they are used to sidestep dealing with deeper emotional issues or psychological challenges. Let's take an intense fitness regimen, for example. Exercising is undoubtedly beneficial for your physical and mental health, but if you rely solely on a belief that your body is the ultimate sanctuary, to an extreme, that you worship that vessel, the body can become the source of spiritual bypassing. When you exercise excessively to avoid confronting emotional pain or difficult life situations, this constant redirection of focus on physical fitness will overshadow the need to address underlying emotional distress. This is the very definition of bypassing. When you're traveling, let's say, and you love to travel, but it becomes a means to escape any personal issue that transforms into a kind of spiritual bypassing. The constant change of scenery provides relief relief but ultimately delays the necessary process of facing and resolving internal conflict. Or incessant cleaning, for example, or organization. All of these are other examples. These activities create a sense of order and control, and they can also become a method of avoiding deeper emotional or psychological turmoil.
Speaker 1:Islamic religious teachings are not the only factor used in bypassing. Bypassing is a result of a human being's primal need to quickly get out of pain and find relief, and people escape with all sorts of methods. These days, the key issue with bypassing is not the activity itself, but rather how and why it's being used. Any activity, no matter how positive it is, can become a form of avoidance if it's used to bypass the necessary work of confronting emotional pain. You need to process that at a different level. No amount of avoidance will heal that. There are not enough TV shows, there are not enough travel destinations in the world for you to heal that.
Speaker 1:So don't fall for the secularly sound warning of you might be a victim of spiritual bypassing just because you're a Muslim. Most humans on the planet are engaging in some form of bypassing. They might be using yoga practices, buddhism teachings or even atheism to do it. Bypassing is a shortcoming of a human, not a religion. When someone blames religion for this, it's their attempt to seek easy solutions to complex problems, and in doing so they misuse the religious teachings as an easy scapegoat. Doing so, they misuse the religious teachings as an easy scapegoat and, on top of that, it is also not helpful when the Muslim religious clergy is not that well educated on how to hold space for another human being In that context. What ends up happening is they impart advice on how to believe harder, on how to focus on this ayah rather than that one, focus on this teaching rather than that one. In the meanwhile, the problem remains hidden and unaddressed. Again, the solution to recognizing this dichotomy is the one that I'm teaching you in this podcast Be open to acknowledging any pain that you're creating, because healing only comes after recognition.
Speaker 1:Spiritual bypassing is absolutely real. It happens using the teachings of Islam, just like it happens using the teaching of any religion. It's a product of primal need to escape pain the quickest possible way. People use gadgets, shopping, legal and illegal substances for bypassing all the time. So next time you get a hint that someone's trying to distort the true essence of religious teachings by showing you evidence of spiritual bypassing as it's used in Islam, you're welcome to give them a piece of your mind, like I sometimes do. Or you're welcome to formulate your own understanding from this podcast and show them their bias if they're ready to see it. If not, that's fine. Also, their understanding has no bearing on how you practice your faith. If your mental wellness resources only include non-Muslim professionals, then use them, but just be aware of this entity.
Speaker 1:While spiritual bypassing is a real and serious issue in organized religion, the solution isn't in renouncing the religion, because then some other type of bypassing will start to occupy your psyche. Solution is to address the human need of a quick escape and address it in the most loving and self-compassionate way. Again, bypassing isn't happening because of the teachings of Islam. It's happening because of the human need of escape. So even if you distance yourself from your faith based on other people's warnings and misunderstandings, as they're defining spiritual bypassing, it's not going to solve for your underlying need for escape. You will end up at the crossroads where you will be forced to look at why you are in pain and what can you do about it. And spiritual bypassing takes many forms. It's just a hasty adoption of religious forgiveness practices without genuinely addressing your feelings of hurt or violation.
Speaker 1:Spiritual bypassing is forced and coercive and it's non-healing. It overlooks your injury. And this type of mentality is many times imposed by many external factors, like community expectations, religious leaders or even well-meaning family and friends. You will feel pressured to quote unquote get over your emotions quickly in order to appear more spiritually evolved, in order for you to not cause discomfort to people around you. And the lack of healing and propagation of spiritual bypassing comes from the disconnect between your inner emotional reality and your outward display of spirituality. Some signs that you're engaging in spiritual bypassing is that you will feel like you're pushing yourself to adopt tranquility and forgiveness while ignoring your genuine feelings of pain, anger or grief. This forced positivity or premature forgiveness is deeply harmful. It invalidates your authentic emotional experience and it blocks your natural healing process. I see this time and time again in coaching sessions, where the natural healing process takes over within seconds when clients realize where they've been bypassing their pain and that healing comes with profound and deep attachment to the divine.
Speaker 1:Alhamdulillah, allah SWT says in the Quran. Indeed, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. Surah Ra'd 13, ayah 28. True peace and relief from stress comes from spiritual activities and remembering God. I believe it to my core, but you cannot bypass your humanness, even if it is with a religion.
Speaker 1:My commitment to the organized religion of Islam is a conscious choice, distinct and separate from any inclination towards spiritual bypassing. The elements of my faith offer me a solid grounding, feed me with beliefs and values that are the bedrock of my existence. These teachings, particularly my belief in Allah's mercy, his love for His creation, serve as a foundational pillar that supports me in time of challenge and turmoil. With that I pray to Allah SWT.
Speaker 1:Ya Allah, ya Kareem, ya Raheem, help us avoid the pitfalls of spiritual bypassing, where we might use our faith to escape rather than heal. Guide us to apply our religious teachings with depth and sincerity. Protect us from misusing our faith as a veil for our struggles and instead, o Allah, help us to use it as a means for genuine healing and growth. Grant us the clarity to recognize the truth hidden within our souls and the pain behind it. Give us the courage to confront our own emotional and spiritual challenges. Ya Allah, bless all of those who seek your guidance and make our paths towards you clear and filled with your light. Ameen, ya Rabbul Alameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.