Have you ever felt a sting sharper than a bee's when someone's words cut deep?
In today's podcast I talk about rejection sensitivity, particularly as it manifests in the lives of Muslim women. The journey through the biological and psychological roots of our need for belonging, the spectrum of sensitivity in neurodiverse individuals, and the nuanced ways our culture and faith intersect with these experiences. The "Balance" between honoring your emotions, cultural expectations and creating self-compassion. In this episode I talk about how how heightened emotional attunement is not a sign of weakness, but rather a profound depth of character.
After listening to this episode, you will consider your rejection sensitivity your strength.
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If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Have you ever felt a sting sharper than a bee's when someone's words cut deep?
In today's podcast I talk about rejection sensitivity, particularly as it manifests in the lives of Muslim women. The journey through the biological and psychological roots of our need for belonging, the spectrum of sensitivity in neurodiverse individuals, and the nuanced ways our culture and faith intersect with these experiences. The "Balance" between honoring your emotions, cultural expectations and creating self-compassion. In this episode I talk about how how heightened emotional attunement is not a sign of weakness, but rather a profound depth of character.
After listening to this episode, you will consider your rejection sensitivity your strength.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognisably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Uthar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:Why are women so sensitive? Is that even a factual statement? How many times have you been told to take control of your emotions? Today, I want to describe to you what is happening behind the scenes of these situations, when you are being told you are too emotional.
Speaker 1:There are biological and physiological explanations of why rejection feels threatening to existence for a human being. Biologically speaking, if we were disconnected from a crowd, then it meant death, and this was the time where survival was best with numbers. So a major part of your brain became dedicated to keeping connections and making sure that we are belonging at all times. So our nervous system is scanning for any signs of rejection, like a radar scanning for threatening aircraft. But here's the interesting part, though Although we understand why we all act this way, why we have sensitivities to rejection, we do not take into account different people having different levels of sensitivities. It is on the spectrum for a human being to respond to criticism or any negative feedback. Some people will let it roll off their backs and it doesn't affect them at all, and for some others it's completely devastating. Extreme rejection sensitivity can actually be a sign of newer diversity, as in a diagnosis of autism or ADHD. There are other diagnosable conditions that are associated with it. But a diagnosis does not mean abnormal, it just means differently normal. So how does that relate to women in Islam and your rejection sensitivity? Or when you are being told you are being too emotional? What are women in Islam being uncultured to believe?
Speaker 1:Rejection or criticism for anyone with a beginner's mind is a difficult experience, but for Muslim women it carries an extra, additional layer of complexity and weight. A Muslim woman who is already trying to balance between personal aspirations, communal expectations. When she faces criticism, it's not just words. To her it's almost like a threat, uprooting a sense of belonging and identity, because she has dedicated her life to serving, and now that dedication comes under threat. Each word of rejection isn't just a comment, because a lot of people start out their criticism so casually. I should just let you know like it's not a big deal, but Sarah said that you don't respond to the emails in time. If I was you, I would be more proud with my responses.
Speaker 1:This feedback or criticism, while imparted on you so casually, has a potential of a spectrum of reactions from you, and if you are more sensitive than others to such criticisms, then it will land completely differently for you. So what is too sensitive? And if you do regard yourself as somebody who is frequently disturbed by other people's input, then what can you do about it? Usually, people sensitive to other people's comments have a strong sense of empathy and they feel other people's pain. If that level of empathy is encroaching on your well-being, then you might want to do something about that. And if you do choose to do something about it, what is it that you can do?
Speaker 1:Consider in a professional setting, a muslims-women idea is dismissed or criticized. This isn't just merely a colleague disagreeing with her. It's a moment that might trigger deep-seated fears of not fitting in, her fears coming true, of her contributions being undervalued, not just because of their merit, but because of her cultural and religious identity. It's a feeling of standing out when all you want to do is belong, feeling of having to fight twice as hard to prove your worth. Or maybe in a social scenario where your lifestyle choices are criticized. This isn't just a passing judgement. It can be a piercing question to your very sense of self, where you might feel the pressure of representing your faith and culture, constantly being under the microscope, battling stereotypes. This constant reminder of you walking that tightrope is bound to make anyone sensitive. So it's totally understandable and totally normal, and in these moments the emotional impact is profound. It's a mixture of self-doubt, fear and the burden of representation, possibility that you don't belong, that maybe your voice isn't valued. But here's where the understanding of neuropsychological aspect is so important. These reactions are from deeply rooted brains, response to perceived threats. Not a threat like a tiger jumping at you or somebody coming at you with an axe, but the subliminal perceived threat of not belonging. Finding out is a much better option for the brain than accepting that you don't belong.
Speaker 1:So how do you overcome that? Let's first start with when you face rejection or criticism, just remember that your feelings are valid. Whatever your spectrum of sensitivity is, your feelings are always valid. They are your response to your environment, natural or not, normal by somebody's standard or not, defined in a textbook as too sensitive or not. That is not your concern. What your concern is what you're making your feelings mean. What does it mean about yourself? How are you interpreting it for yourself? Is it a strength? Is it a weakness? Are you agreeing that you're being too sensitive? Doesn't matter if your emotional response lasts seconds to minutes, days, weeks or months. If that's how your emotional response is, then that is normal for you. Creating that level of non-judgmental self-acceptance is the first step, because then maybe you'll be able to see is that your emotional response was something you chose. If you want to shorten your rumination time that you're having because of the judgment of your sensitivity, it can only come from a non-judgmental space.
Speaker 1:Your rejection, sensitivity, the magnitude of your emotional response does not define your worth. This heightened or lowered emotional reaction isn't a sign of weakness or over sensitivity. It's a sign of depth, of your mind's engagement with the world around you. Your nervous system is highly attuned. It picks up things that others do not see, and the heightened threat response might just be the price you've been paying up until now for this level of attunement. To all of my friends listening to this podcast if you're called too sensitive, your brain is wired to create deep meaning, feel deeply.
Speaker 1:Someone who can let negative feedback roll off their back thinks about it once, but for you, you replay it with your memory, recreating an ever-present awareness of the event, all fed by your cultural identity. Women are programmed to believe that their worth comes from what they provide the world. Boys that turn into men are programmed to believe that they're worthy just for existing. Then, of course, when a criticism is received, it makes sense for a woman to find it threatening, way out of proportion to what it actually means, as perceived as a threat to her existence.
Speaker 1:If a Muslim woman's opinions are dismissed in a community meeting, it's not just a moment of personal setback. It's reliving of every time she's had to fight harder to make her voice heard, for every instance that she's had to walk the balance of asserting herself and adhering to the communal norms that she deeply respects. Her brain doesn't just perceive a rejection. Her experience is a storm, stirring up feelings, isolation, self-doubt, and it's an exhausting uphill battle, a struggle to reconcile her individuality with the collective narrative. And, just like that in personal relationships, when she faces any criticism, it's a deep emotional response. How does she align her personal choices with the religious and cultural expectations? It's not just a disagreement, it's a questioning of her entire balancing act, a moment that brings forth her fears, the struggle and the silent battles she fights every day.
Speaker 1:Understanding this neurocognitive sensitivity is crucial, because that is a call to recognize the strength of what you might be misconstruing as fragility. It's just a simple misunderstanding. It's about seeing the depth of your emotional world, not as a vulnerability but as a profound capacity to experience the world and all of its complexity. It's about acknowledging that these intense emotional responses are not overreactions but a reflection of a deeply interconnected self, where faith, culture, personal identity and all aspects of your life come together. So, my dear Muslim sisters, your heightened emotional response to rejection is a reflection of your deep engagement with the world, a sign of your intricate, beautiful complexity. While cultural programming and neurotypical people will explain it as abnormal, it will always be typical for you.
Speaker 1:While self-scrutiny often stems from the layers of expectation that are barriers of our culture, sometimes draped in family honor, the choice of how you want to respond to each of this incident of rejection is always up to you. Do you want that rejection to turn into self-criticism or do you want to learn to be less sensitive to it? Is that self-criticism occasional or is it a relentless inner dialogue that scrutinizes and magnifies every real or perceived flaw? If each external criticism is not merely a comment or a suggestion, but rather it becomes an echo of your internal critic, amplifying the negative self-talk. This is a symptom of an untrained mind. The brain's neural pathway that handle criticism and self-evaluation are constantly firing, becoming more sensitive and more prone to the triggering intense emotional reaction each time. But here's the silver lining, and there is one Just having an understanding of this pattern is the first step towards breaking it. So, subhanallah, you are already well on your way by listening to this podcast and recognizing that this intense self-criticism or sensitivity to others' judgments is not an inherent flaw, but a conditioned response. Just that understanding in itself is empowering. It opens up the possibility of rewiring those neural pathways, of changing that inner dialogue from one of criticism to one of compassion and resilience.
Speaker 1:Understanding these behaviors from a neuropsychological perspective helps us realize that these are not just conscious choices, but often driven by deeper subconscious needs and fears. For example, avoiding conflict might not just be about keeping the peace which you might be telling yourself at the surface level. It might be about a deep-seated fear of disapproval or rejection, possibly stemming from early experiences. Or, again, cultural norms that emphasize harmony and community over any individual expression, regardless of how halal an Islamically acceptable. Individual expression is Just like that. People-pleasing isn't about just being nice. It's, many times about the intense need of acceptance, fear of being marginalized and misunderstood. So for the moment, in Islam, grappling with this internal critic, know that your self-criticism is a testament to your commitment to being the best version you can be, but it should not be your downfall. Your journey is not about just recognizing the external expectations. It's about nurturing your inner voice that supports you, that understands your complexities, honors all of your experiences and guides you with kindness and wisdom.
Speaker 1:When you, as a Muslim woman, start to understand these behaviors, it's going to be like you've been given a key to a locked door. Your patterns of your life will start to make more sense. You will realize that your tendencies aren't your weaknesses or failures. They have never been. They're just adaptive responses to your environment and experiences. They aren't even maladaptive, as otherwise labeled, and what you might have seemed to be maladaptive all of a sudden becomes healthy. It shifts your perspective from self-blame to self-understanding. But the real power lies in what comes next. With this newfound understanding, you can start to navigate these behaviors more consciously. You can begin to question the fears and the beliefs that drive you to extreme emotional responses, and when all of the dust of that mind drama finally settles, you can start to envision a life where you can express your needs and opinions openly, you can set healthy boundaries, make choices that align with your true self, not just the expectations of others. This is where this self-compassion truly starts to serve you well.
Speaker 1:The journey of this level of understanding isn't about just changing behaviors. It's about transforming the very wiring of your brain. With each new choice, each act of self-expression and self-compassion, each boundary that you set successfully, you will gradually paint a new picture of who you really are and who you can actually be. All you have to do is understand the roots of your behavior, and it is always your beliefs. That is the first step towards the life of greater authenticity and fulfillment, because it is a journey of not changing what you do, not changing who you are, because your essence cannot be changed. It is always pure, it is always 100% worthy. Your essence is a soul that witnessed Allah SWT. But it is actually about transforming how you see yourself and how you engage in the world, using the exact nervous system, that beautiful nervous system that Allah SWT gave you. It is just about rewriting the entire story, but doing it one insight, one choice and one act of courage at a time, but also a reality check, knowing this design is not going to make your rejection sensitivity disappear overnight.
Speaker 1:Awareness, however, is an absolute, essential map that you need to navigate this. The map does not remove the trees from the jungle, but it provides a path. Considering. If you were somebody who always had to feel an overwhelming wave of emotion whenever you were faced with rejection or criticism, before understanding the roots of these feelings, you might have felt lost in your emotional world, wondering why you couldn't just shake things off like others seem to be able to do. Each wave of emotion might have felt like a personal failure, adding yet another layer of isolation and confusion. But with this awareness, with understanding that you, your brain, is wired to feel these emotions more intensely. Your mind is highly perceptual, gifted and attuned. The whole experience changes. Now, when that wave of emotion comes, you can say to yourself this is my brain's heightened response. It's intense, but it's a known path. This self-talk doesn't stop the emotions, but it provides a lifeline, a way to hold on to your sense of self during the storm. This knowledge also empowers you to develop strategies that are tailored to help your unique emotional experience.
Speaker 1:You can recognize the early signs of emotional wave and implement coping strategies before it actually overwhelms you. This might involve specific breathing exercises, stepping away from the triggering situation or using pre-practiced affirmations that remind you of your strengths and values. This awareness allows you to communicate your needs more effectively to those around you. If you choose to, you can explain why certain comments or situations affect you differently than others. You can work closer with some people, like your loved ones, and not really bother to explain yourself to others, somebody who are just your acquaintances, or you can be as open about this as you can at a community level and create more supportive environment.
Speaker 1:This isn't just about managing your emotions. It's about creating a space where your sensitivity is understood and respected, not a source of shame and frustration for yourself or anybody else. If you resonate with anything I've said in this podcast, the most important person to rely on for support is yourself. Your community will surface around you. When you show even a little bit of support for yourself, the communal support will reveal itself. You can work on educating everyone involved cousins, neighbors, spouse, colleagues from the closest friend to the farthest connection to the person you passed on the street. Expand your reach as far or as little as possible, and people will show up in your support. If you show yourself support, invest in yourself. At that level, that investment can look like support from family members, friends, professionals like therapists or coaches. Supporting yourself allows you to create a more nuanced experience for yourself, including getting the level of help you actually need.
Speaker 1:Identifying and understanding your own heightened emotional response is like a sailor understanding the sea, just as the sailor learns to recognize a sign of upcoming storms and they know how to navigate through it. For you, as a Muslim woman with heightened sensitivity to rejection, to criticism, learning to recognize your emotional response and learning how to navigate through them is just like the story of that sailor. This awareness is not just about self-knowledge. It's about empowerment and transformation. This understanding is a call to action. It's an invitation for you to seek out resources, communities, professionals who acknowledge and understand the unique interplay of culture, faith and neurology. It's about building a personal toolkit of strategies that resonate with your experiences, things that support you and your emotional well-being, and this might involve traditional therapeutic methods, spiritual practices or community support, or it might include coaching. It was my highest intention behind developing Islamic life-force school, and that was to be the answer to your du'as. Inshallah, you might just find the answers in coaching with me.
Speaker 1:Understanding your neurological makeup without judgment is profoundly liberating. It shifts your perspective from one to self-blame, to self-understanding, and you can see your reactions not as overreactions, but natural responses of your brain's perceived threat. This understanding does not make the pain go away, but it provides context, a reason that goes beyond a personal feeling or a lack of emotional control. After all, there is no such thing as too sensitive. It's an expression of a society of patriarchy, when culture doesn't understand the strength of a woman's capacity and whatever is misunderstood is always mislabeled, and that label sometimes comes as too sensitive. It was not too long ago that women were literally institutionalized for expressing too many emotions. Subhanallah, we are living in a world of new understanding and new strengths.
Speaker 1:With that I pray to Allah, swa'an-u-dhalla. O Allah the most merciful, grant me the clarity to embrace the unique way you've crafted my mind and emotions as I recognize my feelings and the intense waves. Let this understanding be my anchor. Remind me that my heightened response or not, sensitivity or not, is all a part of your divine design. Empower me with wisdom to recognize and manage emotions proactively and guide a supportive community to me, where my sensitivity becomes my strength. O Allah, the all-knowing, instill in me the courage to invest in my well-being, turning my journey into self-discovery and into a life of Irsan, constant striving in your submission alone. Amin yara'bul alameen, please keep me in your du'az. I'll talk to you guys next time.