Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Expecting Apologies
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How often do we find ourselves trapped in the cycle of seeking apologies?
What is the impact of constantly seeking apologies on our mental well-being.?
We'll discover how a lack of self-validation leads to a futile search for apologies, causing frustration and disappointment.
We'll explore shifting perspectives, learning to see beyond the black and white, and creating trust in our own judgment, ultimately emphasizing the power of self-validation.
Now, imagine a place where societal norms fade, and you find validation in a higher power. What is it like to seek validation from Allah (swt) alone, and how this faith in our own perceptions can transform our lives.
Listen in, shift your mindset, and empower your life.
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Inside, you learn how to support your child’s development in a way that builds independence, confidence, and long-term success... without losing yourself in the process.
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Self-Validation, Letting Go, Expecting Apologies
Speaker 1Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast . Applying tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognisably successful . Now your host , dr Kamal Uthar . Hello , hello , hello everyone . Peace and blessings be upon all of you .
Speaker 1A lot of us have people in our lives that we're expecting apologies from , like if your friend paid for your dinner and you promised you were going to pay them back . You forgot and in the turn , she blew up . You did eventually pay them back , but you're still expecting an apology for their behavior , which is not coming . You're still sitting there waiting for her to apologize for her reaction . When you've admitted your mistake , you're willing to pay or you paid them , but that apology doesn't come . In this podcast , I will explain to you why your brain has such a strong hold on seeking an apology from others and what can you do about it to regain a sense of your mental wellness , especially when that apology is nowhere to be found .
Speaker 1First point I want to make is that you're seeking validation through apologies . Meaning the expectation of an apology arises from a deep-seated need for validation . When someone wrongs us , we naturally want them to acknowledge their mistake , which will then validate our feeling and perspective . This need of an apology is essentially a need for somebody who's done you wrong , to affirm that your heart or anger is justified . But this reliance on external validation is problematic because it places your emotional well-being in the hands of others and it leads to frustration and disappointment when the apology doesn't come . Recognize that seeking validation in this way is unproductive and emotionally draining . When I expect an apology from someone , it reveals a deep need within me for validation . I'm seeking that confirmation that they acknowledge their mistake and , by extension , they prove that I was right all along . But let's pause and ask yourself If you already know that they are wrong , why do you crave their validation ? This need of their apology is actually a reflection of your own lack of self-validation . In my case , it's my inability to provide my own self-validation . Waiting for apology is as if I'm waiting for their stamp of approval to affirm my perspective . The truth is , no one in the universe will offer that stamp of approval . It's only necessary for me to validate my own experiences and belief . Their apology , while desirable and even morally required , isn't necessary for me to know what I already know to be true , which is that my experience is valid and I am hurt or angered at their actions .
Speaker 1Many of us wait for apologies that , to be frank , may never come . Apologizing is encouraged in Islam and it is the more admirable thing to do . It's about owning your mistake and seeking forgiveness . But just if it's only because of your expectation , the other's reality might be completely different and they might not share this point of view . By clinging to the hope of receiving an apology that never materializes , I'm trying to control something that is beyond my control . It's like trying to change the course of wind . It's not going to work . It's only going to drain your energy .
Speaker 1All you need to understand is that expecting an apology and not receiving it and then harboring frustration is an exercise in futility . It's a waste of your mental and emotional resources . Again , the key here lies with self-reliance and internal validation , because when I can provide that for myself , the strong need of other person's apology diminishes . It loses its control on us . This way , it's not just empowering for us , but also a step towards emotional independence and maturity . This need of when they will apologize , they will prove to you that they have accepted defeat . They have accepted that their way of thinking and acting was not appropriate . Therefore , validating your stance , this entire requirement , this prerequisite , disappears as long as you can validate your own thinking With this idea that situations are purely black and white with a clear right and wrong , it's very much an oversimplification .
Speaker 1The expectation of apology is rooted in this binary thinking where you see yourself as entirely right and the other person is completely wrong . But most conflicts and interactions are on a spectrum and perspectives vary depending on individual . You have the option of acknowledging this complexity . You start by understanding that insisting on an apology based on your point of view alone might not always be reasonable , and it might help you to consider that what other people's interpretations are in this case , what their understandings are of the same situation . In my journey of understanding and self growth , I've come to realize that expecting an apology often traps me in a very narrow mindset where I firmly declare that I'm right and they're wrong . But life in its variety of shades does not fit in these binary categories .
Speaker 1What if the truth is a mixture of what both of us are thinking ? If you are able to see things from their perspective and if it's available to you that how their actions might be justified in their mind , this realization can offer a profound moment of self-awareness and very much echoes the teaching of Husna l'an or having a good opinion of others , and I'm not saying have the best opinion of them , but just maybe taking their perspective , how they might think they're justified in not ever offering you an apology . It's about giving room to different viewpoints and acknowledging that your perspective isn't the truth . It's not even the only truth . Growing up , our views were validated by our family members . Their agreement has shaped our expectation that if I think something is wrong then they're there to validate that for me . But when you step in adulthood you understand that you are that adult giving yourself that validation . It's not about seeking approval from others to confirm your feelings and perspectives . Instead , it's about trusting your own experience and not hyper-focusing on an apology .
Speaker 1Why not expecting apologies ? I'm learning to be an adult in my relationship with myself . It's a journey of acknowledgement and respecting my feelings without needing somebody else's apology to give them legitimacy . This shift in mindset empowers me to trust my judgment . I trust when I tell myself I'm not wrong in feeling hurt or upset . While I can expect an apology , I don't need to hang on it with my dear life just to be able to affirm my own reality . If you're waiting for an apology , to give yourself permission to believe in your own perception . Just this awareness alone is going to help you create a lot of release , because overburdening yourself with the demand of an apology overshadows the importance of self-reflection and personal accountability . And whatever I mentioned so far does not mean that you don't tell somebody else when they are wrong , and they should be apologizing when someone has actually caused you genuine harm , clearly transgressed any societal , religious or moral standards , and yet they refuse to apologize . Through this framework , all you have to do is remind yourself that there is a greater judgment to come .
Speaker 1In Islam , we believe in the day of judgment , where the ultimate reckoning , where every action , big or small , is accounted for . But I want you to rely on this belief to be able to release yourself from the trap of needing an apology , not so you can feel self-righteous and continue to judge the other person . Judgment only belongs to Allah and , at the same token , just a reminder that judgment is not only for others . It applies to me too . I must introspect and acknowledge that if I am the one in error , the same divine justice will await me . May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala save us from the severity of any questioning and guide us to recognize our faults in this life .
Speaker 1But what if , deep down , you harbor doubts about your own righteousness in a conflict ? What if a part of you wonders if you overreacted or contributed to an escalation ? In that case , your work includes taking responsibility of your own actions , seeking forgiveness , recognizing and striving for personal growth . That's it . This self-accountability is not just an Islamic principle , but a universal one , and these values of fairness and integrity are noticed by every human being , regardless of their belief and religion . Through this curriculum of self-validation . It's a critical step in developing mature , healthy relationships with others .
Speaker 1The cycle involves acknowledging your own feelings and experiences as legitimate , without needing anybody else to confirm them , especially with their apology . It also includes setting appropriate boundaries and not allowing your emotional well-being to be dependent on others' actions or acknowledgments . This will give you the confidence that you need to navigate personal relationships with less reliance on external approval . What I'm trying to tell you is you don't need to second-guess your need of an apology from another party . You can totally expect an apology , but you don't rely on it with your dear life .
Speaker 1If you believe it's necessary for someone to realize their mistakes and apologize for it , it's completely reasonable to express your feelings and ask for an apology , but don't let your mental well-being hinge on their response After you've made your request . Whether or not they choose to apologize is out of your hands . Your emotional health can't be dependent on their acknowledgement of a mistake . For example , your friend said that they were going to pick you up from the airport , but they didn't show up . Or your husband said they were going to book a hotel on the trip , but they didn't , and at the last minute you have to book whatever is available for you . If you're expecting apologies , please by all means Don't consider these case scenarios trivial , but also don't come to the situation from the lens of validating your judgment of their actions . Just by learning to validate your own feelings of anger and frustration or upset , you empower yourself . This keeps you from doubting your own perceptions and builds a stronger relationship with yourself .
Speaker 1What if you're expecting an apology from someone who is in an authority position over you ? And this self-validating perspective continues to hold true especially in this dynamic , because people in authority positions are constantly telling their subordinates how they're responsible , how they're wrong , how actually things need to be done and what things need to look like . And a lot of times , younger individuals or people in subordinate positions need this guidance from their supervisors , just so they don't reinvent the wheel and continue to complicate things by learning from their mistakes when somebody is obviously there to guide them . A lot of times , your supervisors , your older siblings , your parents , have already navigated these life situations and they're trying to save you from that level of trouble . While this is very well intended , especially as a parenting tactic , all of this inadvertently teaches you that you can never , ever , rely on yourself alone to know what the right thing to do is , and for women , it translates into expecting that validation from their spouses , children , best friends . Women are always crowdsourcing at least one other opinion , just so when they know that one person agrees with them , they can feel good about themselves and finally accept their thinking .
Speaker 1Same thing with apologies . Once they apologize , we will feel like we are allowed to believe that we are perceiving things correctly . Here is the most liberating truth from this podcast their apology is not a prerequisite for you to trust your judgment . You have the inherent ability to believe in your own perspective , with or without their acknowledgement . The moment you detach from the incessant need of an apology , a profound transformation begins . You find yourself entering a peaceful , more expansive state , free from chains and burdens . Self-doubt does not have to be your default state . When you choose to trust your own judgments , you break free from reliance on other people's apologies . And when you give up that reliance on outcome of an apology , that's when people will finally start to see that they might have been wrong . That increases their chances of actually apologizing to you , because you've empowered yourself with confidence and peace and a level of self-approval that's unshakable and totally void from need of external approval . The work here for you might lie in releasing yourself from the grip of strong expectation of apology , and this is to just continue to give yourself a validation .
Speaker 1Your stronghold of a need of an apology will release itself once you build a relationship with yourself , and this has nothing to do with your experience being objectively , universally true . It has to do with you accepting that your experiences are yours and , regardless of what other people agree with it or not , they are true to you . This is extremely important in abusive situations , where women never completely accept the belief that how they're being treated is not acceptable . They're always gaslighting themselves with thoughts like it's not that bad and , by extension , they're letting their relatives and friends gaslight them and how they make them believe that it's actually not that bad . Nothing else needs to be said .
Speaker 1If your nervous system is deciding how you are being treated or how you were treated is inappropriate , and if it brings up anger , resentment or upset , for you , this is a valid experience . You are the one holding it in your body . Nobody else can quantify or qualify for it to be correct for you . When you're expecting people to apologize for their unfair treatment towards you , it's like you're expecting a panel of Olympic judges to hold up signs of number 10 all across the board that your experience is valid . And now , since the other person's apologized , you have experts , judges , telling you that it is valid .
Speaker 1If you are taking this to mean at any level that I don't want you to ask for an apology ever , especially from somebody that you think owes you an apology , that's yet another form of gaslighting that you're doing to yourself . You're just using my words for that , and that's not my intention here at all . You can totally expect an apology , but I'm just asking you to set yourself free from the chains of the burden of external validation in case that apology doesn't happen . If you're waiting for somebody to apologize so you can let yourself feel the way you feel you might be waiting for a long time . An extreme need of an apology comes from subconsciously doubting your own perception . If you're waiting for that certified letter , it's never going to come . But if it does come and somebody apologizes , then at least you haven't held up your life all along . There is no black and white , but a whole lot of gray . Only work for you to consider . Here is where have you been hinging on apologies so much that you've abrupted living your life
Seeking Validation From Allah and Self
Speaker 1With that ?
Speaker 1I pray to Allah swt , the knower of all truths . Grant me and all of us the strength to seek validation only from you , or Rab . Give us the strength to validate ourselves not from self-righteous norms , but from the norms that you deemed to be correct for us . O Allah , forgive us if we are in need of apologizing to others . Give us the strength to forgive others who might have wronged us from a place of self-empowerment . You are the most forgiving . Teach us to trust our own judgment and perception and fill our hearts with peace and self-assurance . Ameen , ya Rabbul Arameen , please keep me in your Dharaz . I will talk to you guys next time .