Do you find yourself constantly playing the pleaser, supressing your needs for the sake of others? Have you ever felt drained, both emotionally and physically, due to your incessant need to be nice? Let's uncover these complexities together as we discuss how to maintain personal well-being while being considerate and kind to those around us. We will explore actionable ways to create emotional safety and enhance self-awareness so that you can consciously be nice without losing yourself in the journey.
Our discussion won't just be confined to personal introspection. We will also seek guidance from Allah to navigate this balance between self-care and being there for others. We'll reflect upon how gratitude and mindfulness can help manage expectations, ensuring we do not lose ourselves whilst serving others. We will also touch upon the importance of our actions being beneficial not just to us, but also to those around us.
This episode promises to equip you with the insight and tools to cultivate a conscientiousness that fosters self-growth and helps navigate the fine line between being kind and self-sacrificing.
Tune in, and let's unravel this journey together.
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If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Do you find yourself constantly playing the pleaser, supressing your needs for the sake of others? Have you ever felt drained, both emotionally and physically, due to your incessant need to be nice? Let's uncover these complexities together as we discuss how to maintain personal well-being while being considerate and kind to those around us. We will explore actionable ways to create emotional safety and enhance self-awareness so that you can consciously be nice without losing yourself in the journey.
Our discussion won't just be confined to personal introspection. We will also seek guidance from Allah to navigate this balance between self-care and being there for others. We'll reflect upon how gratitude and mindfulness can help manage expectations, ensuring we do not lose ourselves whilst serving others. We will also touch upon the importance of our actions being beneficial not just to us, but also to those around us.
This episode promises to equip you with the insight and tools to cultivate a conscientiousness that fosters self-growth and helps navigate the fine line between being kind and self-sacrificing.
Tune in, and let's unravel this journey together.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Applying tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognisably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Uffar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:I love doing nice things for people. I love being nice to people. I love that people can rely on me. I just love the whole idea of people being nice to each other. But there was a time when I was doing all of these things and I was doing it at the cost of myself. So it occurred to me, how do I teach people how to be nice without sacrificing yourself? And that's where the idea of this podcast came about.
Speaker 1:Being nice, going with the flow, not causing ripples in the groupthink, all go along with the personality trait of agreeableness, and I have a podcast on that topic called the Agreeableness Factor, which is episode number 119. But I'm going to build on some of the concepts that I talk about in that episode. But all of these concepts hold true in their own unique way and will make sense to you here. What I notice in my coaching practice as the main challenge that a Muslim woman faces is when a client says they've totally given up on the ideology of being nice, because nobody cares for what they do, nobody repays them, everyone criticizes them, regardless of what they do, and all they want is a little appreciation and a little acknowledgement. And just to be clear if you don't want to be nice to anyone, no judgment on that, but I want to choose to be nice and like your reasons. If you decided you're not going to be nice to people, that's perfectly fine as long as you like your reasons. But if you're deciding not to be nice because you're totally spent, then this is where your growth lies. And this is happening because you haven't mastered the art of how to be nice and how to keep it sustainable. So I'm going to outline what you need to keep in mind so that being nice doesn't burn you out, it doesn't come at the cost of your well-being, it does not obliterate you as a person, and it's not only sustainable but refreshing and rejuvenating. And then you can choose if you want to or don't want to be nice.
Speaker 1:I always want you to make your decisions. So however you choose to show up in your life, you do it from a higher, intentional place of awareness. In this podcast, I'm going to be speaking in the first person and I invite you to create your own emotional safety, and I'm going to do the same for you. And if something makes sense, let it sink in and let it create change. But if your body immediately reacts and rejects the notion out of the fear that you've been making these mistakes and it sounds way too familiar, you can do it. I want you to offer yourself some space explore, hold yourself in grace and be curious. So this is my invite to you to create emotional safety.
Speaker 1:Before we dive into this podcast that I mostly talk about in first person, I'm going to be listing some obstacles that get in the way of being nice and how these obstacles create such an expensive toll on your body and personality. Rule number one it arises from playing the role of the pleaser, having the thoughts like I'm doing what I think others expect of me. I don't want to give too much attention to my feelings, because what I feel is unimportant. I just want to quietly mold into shape what I think will fit into spaces that others have left open. I just want to play a part where I don't want to change the script too much, like when I want to be the community leader. I want to serve on the board. I'm eager to just fit in and that is going to be my chance to belong.
Speaker 1:But instead what happens is, instead of finding my own spotlight, I turn myself into an eternal understudy, the one learning the language, the customs, the culture of the workplace. I'm the one who's always there with a reassuring smile, the one who never says no. I'm the one who hears whispers of board positions opening up spaces where I know I could shine. But instead of stepping forward, I shrink back, telling myself that what I want doesn't really matter. If you're being nice with this type of an obstacle, it's not going to be sustainable.
Speaker 1:The second major challenge in an obstacle is I find myself wrestling with this haunting feeling that I'm not enough. Looks like a shadow that follows me, whispering that I need to prove my worth. And in an attempt to silence it, I pour all of my energy into being excessively nice, hoping that each smile, each gesture of kindness will patch up some emptiness I carry inside. I chase this illusion that if I'm just nice enough, I can fill up that void, that somehow my worth will be validated by others' approval. But it's like running on a treadmill no matter how fast I go, I don't move forward, and the gap where I think my value should shine remains unfulfilled. This constant striving leaves me exhausted, feeling less valued than when I originally started. It's a trap, one that makes genuine kindness unsustainable, and I'm learning that this isn't the way to find my true worth.
Speaker 1:Major challenge or obstacle number three, that's the weight of the niceness. Every morning I stare into the mirror, practicing the day's smiles and the nods of agreement. I armor myself with the arsenal of yes and, of course, stepping into the world with one mission to be the embodiment of niceness. At work, I'm the first to volunteer and the last to leave, the never-tiring cheerleader, always ready with a word of praise and a helping hand, that extremely uncomfortable when offered a compliment. And this is the weight of constant niceness being the one that everyone can count on, but being the last one that I can count on, the one who says yes even when everyone else says no, and making it feel like that's a badge of honour. I'm the one who steps up, who does the favour, who never lets anyone down, and this is what gives me a rush, a sense of being indispensable when all of it gets exhausting.
Speaker 1:Not giving myself space to rest, because my identity depends on. It Is as if I have tied a major stone of niceness around my neck and I mistake it for a pendant of virtue. But this pendant of virtue, this badge of honour, is heavy and presses down on me with an unrelenting force. I don't allow myself pauses or the grace of no, for the fear of losing the rush, the sense of the worth that it comes from being the reliable one. In my pursuit of perpetual niceness, I've unwittingly chained myself to an expectation, an expectation of perpetual people pleasing. This niceness that was my joy and pride now becomes a prison.
Speaker 1:Challenge number four there is no balance between external expectations and internal truth. While I'm trying to be everything for everyone, I lose sight of how my own voice matters. There's this inability to create a balance between being nice to others and being nice to myself, and burning out because of this. Is that the real reason that I don't want to be nice? Surely I can learn this balance, because all I have to remember is that I can't let the act of agreeableness overshadow my authentic value of politeness. This balancing act that I'm on tipping the scales always in favor of others comes with the hidden cost of the risk of losing the essence of my kindness. Do I really want my generosity to be the reason I can no longer be nice? Surely I can strike a balance, because I know it's within reach. I can be that person who's kind to others without forgetting to be kind to myself. If I let my own need to be agreeable sink my own ship, then the real value of politeness, the genuine warmth of my actions, will drown with it. It's time to pull back the curtains of constant accommodation and let the line shine through of my own worth, my needs, my voice. It's time to navigate this life with a compass that's all too tuned into my own well-being, this niceness flowing inward as much as it is flowing outwards.
Speaker 1:Challenge number 5. The risk of always chasing. I chase an ideal of niceness. It's a standard that slips through my fingers because it's based on other people's approval which I can't control. It's so interesting that I look for the approval, this stamp in the other people's actions, which is utterly out of my control. The risk of chasing this overwhelming niceness is that it's elusive. It is a moving target with no predictable pattern. I catch myself running after this idea of being the nicest person around like I'm trying to catch a cloud. That's impossible because it's not really up to me. It's sort of funny, but not really how I hunt for that nod of approval that thumbs up from someone else. It's like trying to catch the wind, and the real risk of chasing this kind of niceness is that it's a mirage, always out of reach. It keeps changing, moving and I can never quite predict where it's going to be next. It's exhaustive Challenge number 6.
Speaker 1:I've come to the realization that the affliction of being overly nice is a survival instinct gone haywire. This level of niceness is a survival instinct to belong. That's actually on steroids. It's a monster out of control which was originally created for the purpose to ensure that I have connection and I'm not isolated and I have people in relationships around me. But when left unchecked, it's causing damage. This is so I avoid standing out, smoothing over every situation with a smile, even when I'm frustrated. It is this deep-seated need to be a part of the crowd and, in all fairness, it is a subtle monster, at times hard to detect, where the urge to avoid the conflict or discomfort leads me down a path where my own needs become invisible. I just get to remember in times like this that sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself is to say no, to draw the lion in the sand and to choose health over incessant niceness. And I can say no nicely.
Speaker 1:What I'm noticing now lately, is how my need to be super nice is just like a safety blanket that has outgrown its value. It's now old and tattered. It was meant to keep me snug and secure, to make sure I fit in and I stay warm. It was a sense of safety that tells me that I always had people around, but now it's turned into this beast that's too big to handle. At first it was all about making sure I wasn't alone. Now it's making me blend in like a wallpaper, completely unnoticeable. This monster is tough, it's sneaky and hard to spot. It hides behind good intentions and before I know it, I've lost myself in the crowd and all I have to do is really slow down and ask am I doing the right thing by being unnecessarily kind? Or it's like pouring water out of a cup that's never even been filled and I just remind myself that that's not really kindness, it's self-neglect. I've started to notice that sometimes being truly kind to myself, being standing firm and saying no and also I can still be very sweet when I set my boundaries. It's not unkind to protect my energy. Maybe that's even the nicest thing I can do.
Speaker 1:Level number 7, forcing Optimism. My state of bright smile thumbs up even when the heart is heavy, pushing a little more, believing that things will get better without me changing my ways. This forced optimism of others will change. They will soon start to give me what I want and need. This forced optimism keeps my mental energy locked on others, keeps me distracted from what I want to do and what I need to do to enhance my life.
Speaker 1:Challenge number 9, the Toxic Byproducts of Super Autonomous Self-Sufficiency. I pride myself on being independent, not needing help, but when life gets tough, the self-sufficiency is isolating. There's this idea that I've had that if I just believe hard enough, if I'm just positive enough, then the world will write itself without me having to change anything. But deemed down inside, there's this gnawing realization that maybe, just maybe, I do need to shift my own actions, not just my expectations. The toxic byproduct of this is a lonely kind of resilience. It's standing in a crowd and feeling like an island. It's a stubborn refusal to reach out for help because you're convinced you can swim through the storm alone. But I am slowly learning that sometimes the bravest thing I can do is to admit to myself that I can't do it alone anymore and it's okay for me to ask for a hand to hold. Being self-sufficient doesn't mean being isolated. It means knowing when to be my own hero and when to let others share the cape.
Speaker 1:Challenge number 9. Extreme harmonization and conflict avoidance. I avoid conflict like a plague, always smoothing things over keeping the peace, even if it means not addressing the real issue. It's like when, in an attempt to hide injustice, an abuser tells you make 20 excuses for your brother in Islam. Except this is spiritual abuse itself. This relentless pursuit of harmony, this quest of avoiding conflict, this is where I find myself justifying behaviors in others that shouldn't be excused.
Speaker 1:This is yet another self-neglect level of niceness. This is where I'm perpetually buying into extreme harmonization and making up excuses for others. To an extreme extent, I've been caught up in this web of excessive peacemaking and I keep letting others off the hook. And I'm a diplomat in my own life, but I'm negotiating peace at the cost of my own truths. With all of this knowledge intact, I invite myself to create niceness, to being kind to others, to perpetuate the beauty of actual selflessness, but without the cost of my own well-being.
Speaker 1:I keep these challenges in mind so that I don't slip into these pitfalls and that I can keep making kindness sustainable. With that, I pray to Allah swaandhu-dharlal. O Allah, the knower of the seen and the unseen, you understand the depths of my heart, the hidden trials of my soul. You see the role of assumed of the pleaser, even when I don't see it. You see when I'm only striving to fit into the models the others have shaped.
Speaker 1:If I'm caught into these waves of expectations of others, I ask you, allah, to set me free. I ask you, allah, for the courage to stand for my own well-being so I can serve you constantly, so I can make niceness and kindness sustainable in this world, for myself and for others. Bless me, o Allah, with the understanding that it's not the approval of other people that I seek, but only your acceptance. O Allah, let me not change myself so much out of burnout that I lose my own essence of kindness. O Allah, I thank you for the qualities of conscientiousness, but help me in finding the balance between serving your creation and not losing myself. Help me in finding a balance between being kind to others while also being kind to myself. O Allah, make my actions beneficial for me and for the world, and my presence in this world a source of goodness. Amen, yerbul Alamin, please keep me in your doors. I will talk to you guys next time.