Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Best Expectations in Relationships
Are you ready to revolutionize your relationships? Join me as we challenge the traditional relationship norms and reveal the concept of "clean expectations." We're going to unravel the reasons behind our inherent expectations and why attaching our emotions to them leads to disappointment. Together, we will learn how to set clean expectations, understanding that our happiness is solely our responsibility and not someone else's. It's time we take a step back, trust ourselves, and believe that we are enough.
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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognisably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Uthar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:As always, my real invitation to you is to apply this practice each week after the release of an episode and create real-time practical change, and today's podcast is yet another episode that will invite you to create change in your blind spots. To begin, I want to mention that some of the topics I'm going to discuss today have already been discussed in episode number 32, where I talk about something called manuals. That's when we expect people to make us happy. That's when their actions make us upset or angry. These are the most common type of expectations in our relationship, because that's what was taught to us when we were little girls. These are the expectations that we attach our emotional well-being to, expectations being a fundamental part of our reality that we bring into relationships because the extensive relationship training that we get as children within our families. We're told that it's all about finding what other person can give you to make you happy. Setting yourself happy in a relationship is nobody else's job but yours. That is always your job Today, what I want to focus on is something called clean expectations, and of course that's better than the other one where the keys of our well-being lie on other people's actions.
Speaker 1:If you find yourself attaching emotions to other people's actions because of certain expectations, you're setting yourself up for disappointment If they do not meet these expectations and it leads to emotional messiness. These are not clean expectations, because your happiness is tied to the actions of another person. These not-so-clean expectations are like hoping your best friend would come to the party just because that's what's expected. She's your best friend, you invited her, you went to her previous party and if she doesn't come, you'd feel disappointed. That's a not-so-clean expectation because your feeling disappointed is tied to your friend's action. You can see why this can be unsettling when you base your emotional health on the actions of others, even with the best of their intentions, even if they want to show up in a true loving way in your relationship with you, they're still humans. They'll inevitably fall short of your expectations, maybe not out of malice or bad intent of their heart, but because they have their own things to take care of. Can you expect somebody to be performative in a relationship so that you can give yourself permission to feel happy. This is a mindset that will brew a feeling of powerlessness, but this powerlessness is rather subconscious. What shows up in the conscious mind is anger or judgment for the friend who didn't show up for the party the party that you put your heart and soul into, that you were so excited about Having not-so-clean expectations.
Speaker 1:Giving your emotional control away to other people's behaviors makes your relationships extremely emotionally tolling. When learning to set clean expectations, we will make ourselves the source of contentment. Relationships are just there for us to love people and in circumstances where they do follow through the expectations and they exceed expectations, they're showering you with love, gifts, touch, whatever your love language is. It is good to just understand that your nervous system is still creating these feelings. They are not making you feel loved. You are feeling loved because of your nervous system, because what you're thinking about their actions and what you're making it mean, and this level of managing expectations will feel like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands as a novice. It's tricky, but it's not impossible. Expectations are everywhere, sneaking into every corner of your relationships, and while they are natural, if handled with a bit of finesse, they are very rewarding.
Speaker 1:Growing up, I witnessed my parents coming to their relationship based on their mutual expectations, like many of us do. This is what they witnessed, and this was basically our relationship school, where we all got our relationship training, usually teaching us that having expectations is normal. But what they were also doing, which is detrimental here is attaching their emotions to these expectations. Clean expectations are great, but it's actually harmful when you tie your feelings to whether or not the other person meets these expectations. It's like expecting to be sunny every day. You cannot control the weather, but yet we get trained to control the other person. This is an undue burden we place on another person and definitely strains the relationship. Let's imagine you're starting a relationship and you think this person will be able to fulfill all my dreams of a perfect relationship. Well, that's quite a heavy backpack to hand someone else.
Speaker 1:Just remember the other person is not responsible for your feelings. Just like a painter cannot control how you interpret their art, your interpretation of the relationship is completely independent of their actions. Expectations are just really thoughts about others. Your relationship is built on how you think about the other person. If you come at them through the lens of unmanaged expectations, they will always fall short because of your mismanaged mind. Your mind will always lead you to the option of creating more expectations they haven't yet met. Your expectations of the other person making you happy is actually not their responsibility. You are responsible for your happiness. Again, I will remind you of that reality as many times as I have to. And again, this message is not something we're taught in our traditional relationship schools of childhood.
Speaker 1:Entering adulthood and learning to manage expectations is about believing in yourself, trusting yourself to be enough, right where you are, right as you are, being whole and worthy at all times. Again, easier said than done, but that is your work. This slippery fish falls out of our hands. At all times we fall into unclean expectations. I find myself ruminating over how many times I've been disappointed in others. This rumination eats away at the quality of these relationships. Again, just the work needs to be done on our part, and it's a matter of practice.
Speaker 1:This level of self trust is fundamental to creating clean expectations, where you are considering yourself the source of your emotions and if you forget this dynamic, you're constantly reminding yourself back and pulling yourself up. From this level of self trust, a complete, utter trust in yourself. That's where you start making expectations of others. You can make requests, you can ask them to do things for you, you can voice your wants and desires and even expect other people to fulfill them. But at this level of self realization you're not attaching yourself to if they do or do not follow through with your expectations.
Speaker 1:It takes a whole new level of self trust to have clean expectations. You need to practice believing in yourself. When the other person doesn't come through, you can just rely on yourself to meet the expectation, or you can just release it without resentment. And if you want something really bad, like love and belonging in a relationship, create it for yourself first and then bring it to a relationship as a clean expectation, because when you do find it it will be like a cherry on top. And if you don't, then no problem, because you can create it for yourself. When you are that confident within yourself while making your requests, you will not come off as needy and desperate, and that's what people find a lot more attractive, and people would want to go out of their way to meet your expectations, meaning you have a higher chance of having your expectations met. If you don't cling to others for your happiness, this not only will significantly increase your chances that others will meet your expectations. They will go out of their way because when you exude that level of confidence, then subconsciously they will want to be just like you. The most coaching I get myself is around managing my expectations, and it's super rewarding. It's time consuming, but it's definitely rewarding. Ok, so let's talk about some examples that might clarify these concepts.
Speaker 1:As a Muslim woman, if you are on your journey to start the hijab, but subconsciously you expect the community to praise you, your in-laws to support you, when you haven't done either of that for yourself, then you are coming to these relationships with unclean expectations. You will feel disappointed and hurt when you don't get that support. You will second guess your decisions, feeling unsure of yourself because the validation you were expecting never came. You have to give yourself that validation. If it comes from your community and your in-laws, that is great. If it doesn't, it doesn't have to mean disappointment for you. If you strengthen your decision to dress more modestly compared to the people that are closest to you, then what anyone else thinks or says to discourage you from this goal will become irrelevant. If you haven't fortified your intentions behind your decisions, then these expectations of support and validation from others will carry a huge toll on your relationships, but when you make a decision from unshakable intentions, then people will follow you. They will support you regardless. They will eventually come around, and if they don't, it doesn't matter to you, because you've got your own back. There's no downside to believing in yourself.
Speaker 1:The emotional attachment to expectations is a hefty price that many Muslim women pay throughout their lives. Cultural norms often instill in us a dependence on others, and they make it mean that this is for our own well-being. This creates an expectation of being cared for. If you're fortunate enough to have this support unconditionally and you have such a system in place and your close family members are always there for you, you are in a wonderful position, and this conversation might not directly apply to you. However, if you have aspirations that your family doesn't support, if you have dreams that are so far unfulfilled because you're waiting for somebody's support, this does not have to mean that you self-sacrifice to the point of emotional exhaustion. It just means that you need to harness your own power and demonstrate to your family the possibilities that lie ahead once you start to make your own choices. You can do this while maintaining respect and humility, key values that I know many Muslim sisters hold. By doing both, you're not only fulfilling your personal aspirations, but also contributing to the broader shift in cultural expectations.
Speaker 1:Or let's say you get criticism from others in pursuit of your higher education goals or your lofty spiritual goals, or your decision to delay marriage until you can support yourself, or you decide to get married early, despite of everyone else's objections. Any of these decisions have a potential of meeting criticism and your relationships not meeting the expectations you bring to them. You know you are in clean expectations when you can provide the support to yourself that you were otherwise looking to get from others. And you know you have clean expectations when you follow through with the decisions while fully supporting yourself and having empathy and understanding of why your family or your husband might be coming from a different point of view. You understand why they might be disagreeing with you. Separate your emotions from the outcomes of your expectations.
Speaker 1:Usually, at this stage of understanding, I get questions and concerns like what about a sanity check? How do I know I'm not making a wrong decision? And I have addressed this before. If you want to consider somebody else's opinion, someone that you trust and has your back, then more power to you, but first of all, not everyone has that luxury of having a grounded, trusted confidant in their lives. But be sure you're not relying on this source, because you're always second guessing yourself. What constitutes as a wrong decision is your thoughts about your decision. So by all means you're allowed to rely on trusted people in your life to create a safety net around your decisions. But this safety net, as it shows in my coaching, is almost always related to women's inability to make strong decisions, and that is, again, strong cultural programming.
Speaker 1:Be very careful that you're not taking other people's criticisms and their lack of vision as a sanity check for yourself. Again, like I said, most commonly that women tell me why they're looking for a sanity check is they tell me I will feel bad. I did this to myself. I had no business believing in myself, because setbacks in whatever you try are inevitable. If you haven't learned to be confident within yourselves, you will use your freedom to make decisions against yourself. I will give you one very strong, open question what is the downside of believing in yourself? Think about it, ponder and reflect. What is the downside of meeting your own expectations? Just stay with these questions for the next week and see what comes up In the end, the only ultimate being to attach expectations to is Allah swt, understanding that a lost plan for us may differ from our own.
Speaker 1:If you don't get what you expected, then there's always a higher purpose behind it. The nature of relationships is such that they're like mirrors, reflecting our own thoughts about the other person or the object. As a Muslim woman, when you engage in different roles of your daily lives daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, professionals remember that your thoughts shape each of your relationships. Unclean expectations are the lowest level of thoughts you can bring to a relationship. Clean expectations, where your happiness is not attached to the actions of other mortals that is the highest form of thought you can bring to a relationship. This is the process of Husna al-Dun having good and elevated thoughts about people in our lives and about any outcome, regardless of how undesired it might be, and, when things don't turn like we expected, not making it mean that Allah is punishing us for something. Husna al-Dun is about elevating your thoughts about people that you're in relationships with and, ultimately, elevating your thoughts about Allah swt. Remember all the human beings, like yourself, are a mixed bag of good and bad. They might or might not be able to meet your expectations, despite of their best efforts.
Speaker 1:If you are a woman looking for a spouse, if you are a newlywed, or if you've been married for 20 years, expectations need to be clean. You need to keep control of your emotional buttons at all times. It is much easier to have expectations attached to others, because that's all we've always learned. Unclean expectations have become a huge part of our nervous system, but the outcome and the fulfillment that you feel in relationships after having done this work is unparallel. You expecting your husband to understand what you want based on your nonverbal cues, and getting upset when he doesn't Clean that up. You expect your best friend to dedicate time to you on the phone like she used to, but now she's married and has a child and you're feeling disappointed when she can't spend time on the phone with you, texting or talking. Clean that up. You expect unwavering support from your in-laws or you find yourself in a fit of rage. Clean that up. In each case, other person's actions are holding the key to your emotional well-being. Don't do that to yourself.
Speaker 1:Relationships are not a tool of meeting your expectations. Your thoughts are Learn to love unconditionally, without expectations, in your relationships. This is the most elevated form of your life that you can live, not to mention it's immensely rewarding and feels phenomenal. You carry so much power when you've achieved this level of expectations, so welcome to the challenge of adulthood. You can embrace it or you can hide from it, while the wounds of unclean, unmet expectation eat away at your sanity. The choice is yours.
Speaker 1:If you're one of those who thinks where familial and societal schooling that was supposed to teach you this dynamic fell short of their burden, then just do it yourself. Staying in the past and blaming your parents, your culture, your community is not going to lead you to create clean expectations. There's inevitability of unmet expectations that will create pain, and all you have to do is just remind yourself and do this work again, rather than trying to control others so that you don't stay in pain because others are not in your control. Keep your emotional ownership. If you decide to go to work after having kids, if you decide to stay home after having kids, the primary responsibility to meet your expectations remains on you.
Speaker 1:The one and the only entity to rely on outside of yourself is Allah SWT. Make plentiful Dora to help you fortify your heart and mind in this world. Clean expectations are the best expectations and that's how you show up in relationships. With that, I pray to Allah SWT. O Allah, the most merciful, the most kind, guide us towards developing clean expectations, where our happiness is not tied to others but it's solely rests on you. Help us cultivate Husna, then, and hold good and uplifting thoughts about people in our lives. Help us create the best expectations in relationships. Nurture our hearts into the straight path. O Allah, you are the ultimate source of strength. Provide us strength if we fall off this path, and empower us in controlling our emotional responses. O Allah, you do not burden a soul more than it can bear. Provide us ease in the challenge of adulthood and the responsibility it creates on us. Empower us to embrace the journey and instill in us peace and tranquility. Make our relationships the source of peace for us. Please keep me in your doors. I will talk to you guys next time.