Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
How to Forgive
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Forgiveness is a liberating experience when done right.
But what is the right way to forgive someone? Listen to this episode to find out.
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The Importance of Forgiveness in Islam
Speaker 1Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast . Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful . Now your host , dr Kamal Aftar . Hello , hello , hello everyone . Peace and blessings be upon all of you .
Speaker 1Today , we're going to be talking about the topic of forgiveness Cool , isn't it ? Well , for some of you , it might be described as a cool experience . For others not so much . For others it might be heavy , but I promise you , with the concepts you will learn in today's podcast , you will find them totally awesome , even life-changing , inshallah . So , according to Google , forgiveness is defined as a verb .
Speaker 1Means to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense , flaw or mistake . Ha , right off the bat , we know that our feelings are in our control through our thoughts , so this should be super easy . All we have to do is to stop feeling angry and resentful towards someone in order to be able to forgive them . Sounds easy enough . Well , in theory and conceptually it might sound easy , when in reality , it's not that easy to do with actions . When you're feeling angry or bitter towards someone , you are the one experiencing these difficult emotions but , at the same time , hoping that the other person is being punished for what they did . A very common way this is described is that you're drinking the poison and hoping someone else gets hurt Again , a very good and dandy explanation when described in words . But how to actually practically apply it . When described in words , but how to actually practically apply it .
Speaker 1I have told you guys that stress hormones and neurotransmitters cause the difficult emotions that are felt as sensations in our body , like resentment and bitterness . Like in the case that you would experience these emotions where you're unable to forgive somebody over the long run . These stress hormones and neurotransmitters are actually unhealthy for you . Most stress hormones are categorized under something called catecholamines and they're cortisol , epinephrine and norepinephrine . So just remember , while you're feeling extremely justified in your anger , feeling your anger , offense , insult only hurts you . The other person does not feel the effects of your negative emotion , no matter how strongly you feel it towards them . If you continue in this state over the long term , the neurochemicals responsible for these emotions are causing your body actual harm . We know catecholamines are associated with increased risk for hypertension , heart disease , diabetes , weight gain , and the list goes on with all of the non-healthy stuff . So maybe one thought you can borrow when you're trying to forgive someone is that you're not doing it for them , you're doing it for yourself . The longer you let these emotions linger , the longer your internal neurochemical state remains to be unhealthy , causing you measurable damage , not to mention taking a toll on your psyche , social and emotional life . Mention taking a toll on your psyche , social and emotional life .
Speaker 1So why is it that some people can forgive easily and not others ? And why is it that for us , as human beings , it's easy to forgive one person compared to another ? Why is it that we're unable to forgive somebody , despite knowing that holding these grudges is unhealthy for us ? And it is very well described in the tradition of Islam that forgiveness is the preferred way to deal with someone who has caused you harm . So why is it that we can't do it ? But first I want to clarify that I'm not saying that you must forgive someone . I'm saying you can forgive them if you choose to do so , and these are the methods you can apply in your journey of forgiveness . I personally don't know what you should and should not be doing , and this podcast is not about how you must forgive someone and everyone in your life . This podcast is on how to forgive someone if you choose to do so , even with our mind intellectually understanding why we should forgive .
Speaker 1Sometimes it's difficult to do so , and no matter what your reason is . It could be that you want your psychological , emotional and physical health back . It could be that you want your social life back . No matter what your reason behind choosing to forgive someone is one universal reason . Why forgiveness becomes difficult is because we attempt to do it by negating and undermining our own experience .
Speaker 1While you try to forgive someone while obliterating and erasing your own feelings , you will simply not be able to do it . Not only that , if you continue to forcefully insist on forgiving in the name of teachings of Islam , then you will turn it into a toxic trait , meaning it will actually become a detriment to your physical health . And that , unfortunately , is the reality for so many of my clients that come to me and tell me they are told they should be forgiving , but they just can't get themselves to do it . In the meanwhile , they're getting buried under the avalanche of their own experience that's going unnoticed and unacknowledged . My shame coach once said you cannot forgive from a place of erasing your own experience . You have to grieve your damage first .
Speaker 1If forgiveness feels forceful , even if your reasoning is on the basis of teachings of Islam . If it feels like you're pushing it , then just understand . Somewhere along the way you've smothered your own feelings and that you're fighting them . In the meanwhile , your own feelings are trying to get some air , some acknowledgement . You might be doing all of this , thinking that you're doing yourself a favor by not acknowledging your difficult experience . You might tell yourself I'm trying to forgive , so why dig up old wounds ? Your brain will justify not recognizing your emotions in all sorts of creative ways . But you're not doing yourself a favor . You're actually doing quite the opposite . You're making these negative emotions really big by suppressing them . That is the natural course of any physical sensation . The more you try and avoid and ignore it , the bigger and more intense it gets . The more you resist it , the more pressure it will create . But when you move into it , when you allow it , when you acknowledge your experience of hurt , anger , isolation , the more room it will have to vibrate through and it will create less pressure . Surprise , surprise .
Speaker 1The secret to forgiving others is in the acknowledgement of your own self to the fullest and maximum capacity . Every person , before they can build a pure relationship with Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , they have to face the truth about themselves . You can't get to where you need to be if you don't face the truth about where you are now . So do not attempt forgiveness at the expense of your own inner truth , and that truth might be that you're not ready to forgive yet , that you're angry or that you're grieving Now . This comes with a warning . When I say face your inner truth , I'm not asking you to linger in negative emotions . I'm asking you to process them . I'm asking you to face the truth , not become the victim of the truth . There's a big difference .
Speaker 1Forgiveness is often overused as a scapegoat to justify erasing your own experience , and if you use it for that reason , it will become toxic . It will wound you and you will use it to hurt other people . When you try to bury it , it will inevitably come out sideways on your children , on your elderly parents , on your colleagues or your spouse . And a lot of times , people suggesting forgiveness have a vested interest . Culturally , especially , women suggest that other women be more forgiving because the crime they're trying other women to forgive is still happening . Maybe it's misogyny , maybe it's the wage gap , maybe it's inability for a woman to be in the masjid board or , even worse , the inability for a woman to even access the masjid because there's no area for her to pray . If whatever injustice you're trying to forgive is still happening , people will have a tendency to tell you to forgive and forget it only because they don't know how to fix the underlying problem , and it will feel forceful because it is a problem and you feel strongly against all of these injustices .
Speaker 1Now , if you're an ambitious woman , then the work of forgiveness you have to do will be more . When the social messaging is that women are made to bear children , keep a clean home , stay home and cook , this will create a lot of work of forgiveness for you because you are naturally inquisitive , adventurous and ambitious person . Adventurous and ambitious person versus if you have a long-term desire to be a homemaker . In this case , any societal messaging of being a stay-at-home mom and enjoy motherhood will be congruent with your values , in which case you have nothing to forgive . But in this case , if you have a desire to be a stay-at-home mom and the society tells you , or your husband or your parent or somebody close to you tells you , that women should be going out and financially contributing to the household income and proving their worth by providing and proving themselves in the workplace , your work of forgiveness will increase Either way . In any case scenario , the work will still be yours , not anyone else's , and in either case , your work will be different , especially if any type of incongruent messaging is coming from your husband or somebody that you're close to , versus your neighbor's cousin telling you that I mean the closer you are to a person , the higher the work of forgiveness . It will be more time and energy consuming in some cases than others , and that is the challenge of being in this life .
Self-Coaching for Forgiveness and Healing
Speaker 1Forgiveness is not hard because there is something wrong with you or that you're just built to forgive . With the right amount of mental work , you can forgive if you choose to . Like we just described , your work of forgiveness will be more in some cases and less in others . It will be more in the cases of trauma with a big T , with harm to the body , and might be less in the cases of trauma with a little T , although if you don't deal with the trauma with a little t , although if you don't deal with the trauma with a little t long enough , it will turn into a trauma with a big t .
Speaker 1When I'm working with people to refine their process of self-coaching , I help them notice that initially clients will have a tendency to answer from their prefrontal cortex and give more refined answers , while in reality the problems they're coming to coaching with are being created by their lower brain . That are some deep-seated thoughts . At that point we make room for everything that comes up and eventually we get to more painful parts of the story . But sometimes it takes some time to get there . So a lot of times when my clients do self-coaching they don't understand why they can't see the problem , and it's because the brain keeps deflecting the reality of the painful story in the name of self-protection .
Speaker 1When it comes to the work of forgiveness , you have to write the painful parts of the story so that when the full picture has revealed itself , you can actually work to change it . My recommendation to anyone who engages in the practice of self-coaching is , whenever you sit down to do it , just notice when the brain is playing the deflection game . If you find it hard to write the difficult parts , just hold yourself in compassion and let the ugliness of the thoughts come out Because , like I said , if you're forcing yourself to forgive without acknowledging the ugliness , without recognizing your own pain , it will be toxic and a source of great stress for you , Not to mention you will not be able to forgive , and this happens to me in live group coaching all the time , where clients will start with a problem , but in the initial stages it will be all about how nothing is actually a problem , how they're grateful that they have money , but the coaching is actually about a husband who gives them $100 a month in allowance . Brain deflects the pain of feeling like they have to beg him for money . It deflects the pain of feeling like they have to beg him for money . It deflects the pain of this dependence that's created for them , Because they always start out by saying my husband is really good to me , he is a really good father , as if they told me about their pain , I will tell them to leave their marriage . That is not my call , that is your call as a client . But because of this deflection that the brain creates , it takes so much longer to get to the problem . I don't mind , I take the time to peel the layers , but I mention this because this deflection bit is probably what's happening if you tried self-coaching and it doesn't work , especially when it comes to your work of forgiveness .
Speaker 1So , just as a review , self-coaching is a process where we use our higher observational part of the brain to reflect on our lives . What results are we creating and what thinking are we engaging in ? This is a written exercise because self-reflection done in the mind is difficult to observe . You are thinking in the mind and you're trying to observe your thoughts in the mind . This is very hard to do , especially as a beginner , because the brain will present everything as a fact and you will feel you're just observing the facts . My method of self-coaching is in the free pdf on my website , which I will link in the show notes . I highly , highly recommend that you do this process because it is truly life-changing . So in the self-coaching , write things down , observe them on paper .
Speaker 1Don't avoid the painful parts . Acknowledging your hurt doesn't actually hurt you , but keep burying it and ignoring it will hurt you . At least come to this work with this basic understanding . If you feel the process of healing is unsafe and it feels scary , the process of keeping it in is more unsafe . A basic test of if you have forgiven someone or not is , for me personally , it becomes very clear if I've completely forgiven someone by the extent of du'as I'm able to make for them . This is a great litmus test for me to see if I'm holding any resentment or grudges . When I sit down to make heartfelt Dara and I see that I'm unable to do it for a certain person , then I know I have some forgiveness work to do . And again , making heartfelt Dara for other people does not have to be forceful because , like anything else , if you don't believe what you're saying , it will turn into toxicity .
Speaker 1Sometimes I'm able to seek abundance and riches for the other person . Sometimes all I can muster up is may Allah guide them , and not like in a teeth-clenching way , but in a genuine , meaningful way . Notice , if you're making dua with resignation Alright , I made dua , now , leave me alone . Or if you're doing it from fortitude I'm not quite able to forgive them now , but I'm trying my best . I'm trying to get there . May Allah give me guidance , courage and the means to be able to make genuine and heartful dua for this person in the future , this person who has hurt me .
Speaker 1You know very well at the somatic level what is true to you . Whatever level of Dua you are able to make , just keep checking in with your body when you feel open and spacious at the visceral level . That is the Dua you want to keep making . It doesn't matter if , at the intellectual level , you think your Dua is inconsequential , if it has the energy of your heart behind it , it will be more powerful than if you're making a dua that you don't quite believe and do not under any circumstance forgive someone at the expense of your own feelings . That way , you will have to deal with two levels of injury One that is caused by the person you're trying to forgive and the other one that is caused by you .
Speaker 1Be creative in your thinking along your journey of forgiveness . Things like I'm trying to find ways to forgive I acknowledge that I have not forgiven yet . I am thinking I'm unable to forgive , with emphasis on the understanding that forgiveness and non-forgiveness are thoughts that you're having , rather than identifying too closely as a person who cannot forgive . Also , thoughts like I believe I will be a better person , liberated from my own bitterness , when I'm able to find forgiveness . I firmly believe Allah SWT will make this path of forgiveness easy for me .
Speaker 1On a personal level , I truly believe anyone we're trying to forgive was sent as a curriculum so that we could discover our personal method of forgiveness , because our evolution through that journey makes us the person that we are today . Through this curriculum , we can learn to be successful at anything , because it is a meta skill that we learn . And don't think there's something wrong if your sole intention behind forgiveness is to improve your own emotional state . That is not selfish . That is actually a very advanced goal . That does not make you selfish . That actually makes you selfless , because when you're feeling better , then you can contribute to other people around you . With that . I pray that may Allah SWT purify our intentions behind our forgiveness . May Allah make this journey easy for all of us and make us firm believers because of this curriculum , because of the people he has strategically placed in our lives . May Allah SWT reward all of you many fold for this work . Please keep me in your adhraas . I will talk to you guys next time .