Can you truly change your spouse, or is there a more profound way to foster growth in your relationship? Discover the transformative power of mastering your emotions and motivations in our latest episode of the Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. By addressing your partner's wiser side and avoiding manipulative tactics, you can create a relationship more to your liking
From handling embarrassing social situations to encouraging healthier habits, learn how to communicate effectively and ensure your motivations align with mutual growth.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
Can you truly change your spouse, or is there a more profound way to foster growth in your relationship? Discover the transformative power of mastering your emotions and motivations in our latest episode of the Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. By addressing your partner's wiser side and avoiding manipulative tactics, you can create a relationship more to your liking
From handling embarrassing social situations to encouraging healthier habits, learn how to communicate effectively and ensure your motivations align with mutual growth.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, Dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:
I titled today's podcast how to Change your Husband, but I'm going to profess it by saying that you can't you can't change anyone. Only they can change themselves. But what you can do is make their change more conducive to what you want to see in a spouse, and I don't think it can be done unless you have complete and superb authority over your own emotions at all times and you're completely aware that he is not responsible for your emotions. Only you are. And I feel like this podcast is going to raise more questions, but I'm going to record it anyways because it's a very sought-after coaching topic in my practice and when you're implementing what you learn in this episode and you have more questions, please get in touch with me at islamiclifecoachschool at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:
The disclaimer here is that unless you have done this work on yourself, where you care for your emotional well-being, that you are in complete awareness state, you are in touch with how to handle yourself and you do it as an evolved human being, then, and only then, can this method work. Otherwise it will backfire. And please do not come after me when it backfires because you have can this method work? Otherwise it will backfire. And please do not come after me when it backfires because you have not done your own work. If you're living under even a hint of anxiety, self-pity, victimization by your circumstances, this method will have grave consequences when you are not completely and utterly in charge of your inner state. If you're blaming him or any other circumstance for how you feel, even if you're doing it only at 1%, then this approach will actually be more harmful. Your relationship will suffer. So consider yourself warned.
Speaker 1:
The reason all of this happens is because when this approach is applied, if you don't control your own emotional state, it turns into a manipulation tactic, and nobody wants to be manipulated, no matter how much you think you're smart, and he won't pick up on your ideas. All of that is a lie. If you want to change him because after he changes you will feel better about your relationship or about yourself, you've stepped into manipulation and that will erode your relationship. Clarify to yourself why do you want to bring about change in him? What is your motivation behind his change? Is it because so you don't feel frustrated anymore and he doesn't forget your plans that you made all the time? Or so that he doesn't look at other women, so you don't feel jealous? Are you trying to change him so that he chews with his mouth closed, so you're not annoyed when he is eating? And if those are the reasons, this approach will fail Because in each of these reasons, your emotions are tied to his actions. When your emotional state jealousy, frustration, annoyance is dependent on your husband's behavior, it creates a dynamic where you seek control of his actions to feel better.
Speaker 1:
This approach will fail because it doesn't address the root cause of your emotions, which are your own thoughts. It attempts to change the external circumstances to manage your internal feelings. What you have to start with is introspection about your true motivations. This is an absolute must before you try and change your spouse. Are you seeking to change to avoid your own negative emotions without taking ownership of them? Or are you aiming to improve the quality of your relationship and are you trying to support your spouse in his own growth? Are you trying to support yourself in your growth? You have to sort out the reasons why you want to do this. Any unevolved reason is a recipe for disaster, and it will become more clear what an unevolved reason is through this episode.
Speaker 1:
The entire approach of quote-unquote bringing about change in someone is based on one universal principle, and this is the basis of this whole podcast, and this principle is that every human being has a foolish side and a wise side inside of them. You might have heard of the dual nature theory in particle physics. The dual nature of matter refers to a phenomenon when, in a particular circumstance, matter behaves like a wave, and sometimes it appears like a particle. Depending on your observation of it, it will turn into a particle and when you stop to observe it, it will act like a wave. It's so fascinating. But this podcast is not about quantum physics, and luckily. Simply enough, this design is true for human behavior as well. Human beings also have a dual nature concept that every person has both a wise and a foolish side, and whatever you observe will come forward.
Speaker 1:
An effective change is facilitated by addressing their evolved wise self. This duality means that each person can exhibit both intelligence, mature behavior and foolish, dysregulated and immature behavior, depending on how they address their circumstances. In every person there is a selfish side, a self-sabotaging nincompoop. In the same person there's a luminary, a trailblazer, a strategist, a visionary, a grounded human being. Whoever you speak to will come out in your interaction and this is the whole basis of you bringing about change in your husband. This, along with doing it for selfless reasons. So the whole point here is that recognizing and engaging with the wise, evolved size of your spouse, that's how you facilitate effective and positive change, Key word being facilitate. You cannot create their change. They create their own change. The moment you've started to slip into thinking that you are creating their change, you're assuming control that you don't have. So, just like light can behave both like a wave and a particle, depending on how it's engaged, people will behave one way or another based on how they are engaged. No human is ever fixed in their behavior. They shift between their higher and primal self, and effective, long-term change happens when you address their evolved, wise self as a person. This means speaking to their better nature, the part of them that is capable of thoughtful, mature actions. When you engage with this side, you encourage it to come forward and become more dominant in the interaction, Because whichever side you speak to will become more prominent and that will get strengthened If you treat someone as capable and wise, they are more likely to respond with wisdom.
Speaker 1:
Again, the goal is not to manipulate someone into changing for selfish reasons, but to deepen your connection with them. Selfless reasons for change might just be educating someone because they love to learn new things, helping them grow, but not from a place that you know better, or trying to improve the quality of your relationship and life together. This approach is about creating a mutual benefit together. This approach is about creating a mutual benefit, enhancing the relationship, not about getting your way. If you want to bring the best part out in your husband, you consistently speak to that best part. You help it become more dominant, and for you to do that, you have to be able to see it. If your aim is to change people for your own benefit, you risk forgetting this framework and creating a dynamic of manipulation. Manipulation is harmful to your relationship because it focuses on controlling others for personal gain rather than focusing on a deep connection.
Speaker 1:
Some other appropriate reasons for change might be that you're trying to do it for their own emotional needs. You know when men say I love being around her because she brings out the best in me. This dual nature theory is what they're talking about. When you talk to their best self, it comes out more Something they might not even be aware of. Now I'm going to give you some real life examples and I will give you a loose script of what you might say in these situations. But what you say and how you act towards your husband does not matter as much as who you are being when you are trying to connect to his higher self. You're welcome to use these exact words that I'm going to use for your situations, but they will only work if you are not in manipulative energy Energy behind the words matter Words not so much.
Speaker 1:
If you're trying to improve communication during arguments and your husband tends to raise his voice or shut down during disagreements, you might want to say I really value our conversation and your perspective. Can we find a way to discuss things calmly so that we both feel heard? Your insights are important to me and I believe we can resolve this together. Why it works is that this approach acknowledges his capacity of thoughtful dialogue and shows respect for both of your opinions, especially his. Or let's say, you're trying to have him engage more responsibly towards household chores and he frequently forgets or neglects his shares how you want to speak to his higher side is I know you care about our home and I want to make it a comfortable place for both of us. It means a lot to me when we share responsibility. I want to see how setting up a routine will work for both of us. Why it works is, again, it's highlighting his role as a harmonious homemaker and respecting his ability to contribute.
Speaker 1:
If you have disagreements about financial decisions and your husband makes spontaneous purchases that impact your budget, speaking to his evolved side might sound like. I appreciate how you enjoy the things we have and the experiences we share. Can we work together on planning a budget so that we can accommodate the purchases that are coming up? I value your ideas on how we can manage our finances, but I also want to make sure that we're not managing our stress by impulsive purchases. These words and the energy you carry frames financial planning as a joint effort, a long-term enjoyment and security plan. You're appealing to his capacity of having foresight.
Speaker 1:
If your husband makes comments in social gatherings that embarrass you, it's very easy to be snippy about that and sometimes that also works. But if you want to try and speak to his evolved side, you might want to say. I know you have a sense of humor and you love making people laugh, but it makes me feel comfortable when you make jokes like this. I want to talk about how we can both feel good in social gatherings and have fun. This approach shows that you respect his ability to be considerate and you acknowledge his positive trait. You're not shutting him down for being funny in a gathering, but you are showing him that you're creating respectful boundaries. Or let's say he struggles with maintaining a healthy diet or exercise routine. You might want to say that how his hard work at the office impresses you, but you really want him to be healthy and fit for your family. Again, speaking to his hardworking ethics and creating a shared goal for long-term well-being. If you want him to engage more in family events but he more often skips them than attends them you can start to say I understand you value your time and sometimes need your space, but it would mean a lot more to me if we can attend family events together. We can keep them short and we can attend a fewer invites, but I would like to attend them together. You can take as many breaks as you want during the event and it will start with immediate family.
Speaker 1:
First. Again, you're respecting his need for personal time and space, without threatening him for doing something wrong. You're continually accommodating his needs while letting your preferences known. Let's say you notice that your husband is always backing out from a challenging project. You might want to say I believe in your abilities and I think you know more than you give yourself credit for. I want you to pursue what you're passionate about, but don't let a challenge stop you. You're showing confidence in his capabilities. You're showing encouragement. You're showing partnership and assurance, Rather than bickering and complaining about him being cowardly and always backing out. The side you speak to is what comes out. Same thing if he has stress management problems or if you have differences in parenting approaches. All you have to do is see what the higher side of a human being would act like in that situation and speak to that person. The major key takeaways and the basic points is you're acknowledging positive traits. You're speaking to strengths. You're offering support. You're understanding their perspective, you're future focused. You're recognizing efforts, you're exploring their needs and feelings and you're doing it for selfless reasons.
Speaker 1:
An unevolved reason for wanting for a spouse to change is rooted in a belief that their change will directly make you comfortable or improve your emotional state. This is problematic because it places the responsibility of your happiness on your spouse rather than yourself. It disregards your own role in managing your emotional well-being. When you believe that your partner's change will make your life easier, you're omitting ownership of your inner experience. You are neglecting your responsibility to understand and manage your own emotions through your thoughts. It is always a hundred percent only your responsibility to do that. It is a lie that we are fed that our relationships and our husbands are supposed to make us happy. They do sometimes make us happy when we think happy thoughts about them. They do sometimes make us happy when we think happy thoughts about them, but it is not their responsibility. Being unwilling to do this work, to create your own change, to take control of your own emotional responses, and then trying to change your husband through speaking to his higher self, is going to come off as manipulative and it's not going to work.
Speaker 1:
One true and only way to change how you feel and how you experience life comes from altering your own thoughts. It is about recognizing how you perceive and how you think about events, rather than trying to change the events themselves, which means that, regardless of how much your husband aligns their actions with your expectations, they will never dictate your inner experience. Your emotions are always dictated by your interpretations and your thoughts. This independence of inner experience from your partner's actions is extremely liberating. So, just to summarize, you're applying the dual nature theory, where you identify traits recognizing both the foolish and the wise side of your husband and yourself or any other human being for that matter you communicate wisely, using language and actions that speak to your spouse's evolved, wise self.
Speaker 1:
You only begin this process after you've reflected on your intentions, where you regularly assess your motives to ensure that they're aligned with creating mutual growth and connection, and not selfish reasons of making you feel better, while you take no responsibility in that process. If you do that, this method will not work. Responsibility in that process If you do that, this method will not work. And then, very importantly, you can always model the behavior you want. Seen, you demonstrate the qualities of your own evolved self, Serve as an example.
Speaker 1:
If you seek to change your husband for reasons that are primarily emotional or selfish, you will put your relationship at risk. But I have full faith that you guys will start to practice this method, as I'm recommending it. Inshallah, when you help someone change. That's a journey that begins with you. You master your emotions and approach your husband with respect. You can help bring out the best in them and you build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. All of this requires patience, self-awareness, commitment, but, inshallah, you already have those qualities or you're working to grow them. So I think you'll create a huge change in your relationship for the better through these methods.
Speaker 1:
With that, I pray to Allah. Subhanahu wa ta'ala. O Allah, the most wise and the most merciful, grant all of us the wisdom to speak to the best in each other. Help us to engage with patience, understanding and love. Guide us to nurture the goodness within us. O Allah, put it in all of our hearts to speak to each other's highest self, the one that is closest to you. O Allah, May we always support one another in growth and in creating relationships that reflect your peace and blessings. Ameen, Ya Rabbul Ameen, Please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.
